AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

I don't actually disagree with anything you've said, but I would add that there is surely a difference between casually chatting in the pub to a group of friends where they could be overheard or end up in 'friend of a friend' jigsaw territory, versus speaking to a trusted couple in their home about a stressful situation that was affecting her personal wellbeing.

I am not advocating for the binning of privacy law. The vast majority of confidential information that crosses my desk stays there. But we trust each other, as husband and wife, with occasional details as she share our successes and frustrations. And maybe not every couple does that, but many will speak to a trusted friend, mentor or confidante.

I agree with you.
I think it is wrong to share other people's information without their permission, except if there is a safety issue.

I don't grant my husband an exemption from my obligation to respect other people's right to privacy.

For example, a friend of ours told me something personal many years ago. A big something. I have never told my husband. I believe that if she wanted him to know, she would tell him.

She perhaps has told him tbh. I don't know because luckily he feels the same way as I do about what a privilege it is to be confided in and the duty you have not to abuse that.

I don’t either. It would never occur to me to tell mine anything a friend has confided in me and I certainly don’t expect him to betray his friends’ confidences either.

If this is genuinely how enmeshed and non individual you and your husband are, fine, that's your relationship, but then you need to be explicit about it with your friends. You can't just assume people know "oh we're just that couple", you actually have to say out loud "hey just so you know, I'm not someone you can tell things to in confidence, it all goes straight to my husband." Because right now you're just letting people assume you're a normal friend and finding out the hard way that you're not.

Also, @Makebelieveanotherlife Your idea of what a healthy partnership has to look like is honestly a bit warped, and pretty isolating if I'm honest. Please don't be teaching young girls or anyone else that this is what "properly together" couples do, because it isn't, it's just one version of it, and not even a particularly great one.Also, venting to a friend about your partner, or sharing grievances when things aren't great, doesn't make someone a bad partner, which you're very much implying here with that little dig about friends who keep "a bit of a separate life" or are willing to talk about their relationship. People vary massively in how much they share, and that's normal, it doesn't mean the friendship or the marriage is somehow lesser. Not sharing literally everything with your partner isn't a red flag, it's just called having your own inner life, and being open with a friend about arguments or hard patches doesn't make you some kind of bad partner either, if anything it's just called having a support system. What you're implying, that anything less than total merged transparency means the relationship is weaker, is honestly a strange and slightly worrying way to see things.
But back to the actual point. You're describing yourself as a bad friend here, someone who only really values their partner and treats their friends' privacy as optional. Whether or not your husband is a good, trustworthy person isn't the point and was never yours to decide on someone else's behalf that they should be privy to their information without explicit consent. That's not your secret to hand over. Feeling betrayed by that is completely valid, and yeah, I'd call that being a shit friend.

What was her point then? Because I don't see the logic that someone who is discreet about any issues in their own relationship should automatically be assumed to be indiscreet with other people's information. Quite the contrary, in fact.

Whether or not professionals do break confidentiality, and some will certainly do so, doesn't make it right. It is generally accepted that colleagues be able to discuss sensitive information between each other, especially in stressful professions, but it's not acceptable for them to discuss it socially.

Just to clarify for you, a doctor can absolutely be struck off for sharing anonymised anecdotes about patients, lots of information can be very identifying, it's called the jigsaw identification trap, please look it up.

The fact that she is the child's teacher/support worker is identifying information, any specifics about the child's behavioural problems or even taking about specific dates..."you'll never believe what happened in class yesterday..." are identifying details. All it would take is for someone she discusses that child with to gossip to their spouse one evening who then goes on to tell his friend who coincidentally happens to be the cousin through marriage of the mother of the child she is talking about.

There is also the consideration of where her chats take place, is there a possibility they could be overheard? Her behaviour is highly unprofessional.

With the greatest respect, you do not come across as someone that takes confidentiality particularly seriously.

I don't think that is quite the point pp was making.

If that is exactly what you were trying to say, then you are making lots of unreasonable assumptions about what others will read into your relationship.

The pp seems to think that, because she doesn't complain about her husband and they seem to be happy together, others will automatically assume that they gossip about other people's personal information. That's a pretty huge leap to make.

Telling your spouse about other people's confidential information is not a reflection of how close you and your spouse are. It is more a reflection of how little respect you have for your friends' privacy.

I would never tell DH anything a friend had told me in confidence. I really don’t understand why anyone would?

Yes I agree with this.

Actually I think the opposite. If someone is a loose lipped gossip to me, I'd assume they were the exact same about me. If my partner regaled me with his best mates secrets I'd have to wonder what his mate knew about mine. Because a person is either a gossip, or they are respectful of privacy.

This is exactly what I was trying to say, but you've explained it much better.

I've made this point numerous times, but as you and @Wingwalkask it again, I'll repeat that we openly acknowledge to friends that (a) we mentioned something they told us to the other person, and (b) what the other person said. And, occasionally, (c) they are curious and ask us first if we have insights to share.

So, yes, I have probably assumed that's what most people are comfortable with. And, yes, I will be mindful that assumption could be dead wrong. But, also, it's established amongst our friendship group and demonstrably not an issue.

I am perfectly content to accept other people would not like this. It seems to be those on the other side of this debate who are unable or unwilling to accept that others are entirely fine with it and operate similarly.

I would probably tell dh because I trust him not to say anything and because I may want to offload/discuss it. I wouldnt tell him if it relates to one of our mutual friends as I wouldn’t want to put him in an awkward position. I also wouldn’t say anything if asked not to.

So your friends don’t know you’re gossiping with your husband about their private affairs? At least make them aware you won’t keep their confidence then they can decide if they want to tell you anything sensitive going forward.

sorry this was to Ty78910

If you told her up front that this piece of information was just between the two of you then she was 100% wrong to tell her husband. If you're just assuming that she should have know not to tell anyone, that's more of a grey area. It sounds like she didn't warn her husband that the information was private or sensitive, since he said it in front of you, so I would suspect she just has different ideas about what's private than you do, which explains her not thinking she's done anything wrong. If you ever tell her anything sensitive again you should tell her up front it's for her ears only and give her the chance to say she doesn't want to hear it because she can't keep a secret.

Of course you shouldn't betray a confidence, not to anyone. I can't believe people think it's ok because it's really not.

How are issues in someone else’s life a secret you’re keeping though? Why does he even care?

This makes no sense to me. Someone who exercises no discretion with regard to their own private matters is less likely to be trustworthy in relation to the private matters of others. I would be more likely to assume that someone who respects their spouse's privacy would respect mine as well. But you seem to think that discretion about your own private matters is evidence of the fact that you gossip with your husband about everyone else. I would not assume that your friends know this.

That's not so. It's not always predominantly among others in the profession, but even if it was, it would remain anonymised yet technically confidential information. That the person they're speaking to has the same job title and access to unrelated, if similar, information is irrelevant.

I genuinely don't understand, your view on our teacher friend. We have absolutely no way of finding out who the child she teaches is, even if we wanted to. What possible detriment would it be to anyone for her to seek support from friends?

This particular friend is single, so she has no partner to confide in. Although, if she did, this thread would suggest she was unreasonable in doing so.

For the record, I didn't say anything about it being important to a loving relationship, just that it's a feature of ours. I don't actually have an opinion of people who have different levels of communication in their relationships.

YANBU!

I feel like I’m reading the same story from both sides with a few details changed 😂
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5571559-colleague-has-overshared-and-is-now-embarrassed?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I would tell my DH, because he knows not to let on to my friends that he knows - he understands the assignment. Like a best friend off his own accord.

I think you are mistaken. It wouldn't ever even occur to me that a friend who seemed to be in a happy relationship would think it was normal to gossip with her partner/husband about my personal information without my consent.

You originally said that your friends know that you tell your DH everything, but you have now clarified that you just assume that they know. Not the same thing at all.

Yanbu.
I wouldn't dream of telling my husband a confidence a friend told me.
Never share another thing with them again.
Not trustworthy IMO.