AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

So if a friend tells you their problem you decide that it is now your problem and you are okay to discuss it with your DH? That is childish. Not everything is about you.

I've been married for decades.
We've been through all the ups and downs of life together but at no point have either of us felt the need to spread gossip about someone else's secrets, which is what this thread is about.
It isn't about me secretly gambling or him secretly cross dressing. This is about each of our ability to keep confidential information confidential. A friend of his talking to him about doubts or worries in his life is obviously none of my business unless that person themself chooses to talk to me about it. Just as if any of my friends choose to share something confidential with me, that is nothing to do with my dh so it is not for me to make the decision to tell him about it. If my friend wanted him to know, she'd either speak to him herself or say to me 'Can you ask / tell dh about....'.

Love, honour and promise to tell you all my friends private worries.

lovely.

This. I’d always keep a confidence if someone asked me not to tell anyone, but if not I’d assume everyone tells their partner the kind of things that they’d been talking about with their friends. Her DH was a dick to make it obvious though.

It is very obvious that he doesn't need to know her friends' secrets. I presume that they just like to gossip.

Maybe they have nothing else to talk about?

You are a shit friend with no respect for other people's privacy then.

Not having secrets about your own lives is good. Failing to respect the confidence of other people is not good. No matter how much you enjoy gossiping about people with your husband.

Being married has fuck all to do with it.

Yes I tell me DH everything. Yes I know it’s wrong and I know it makes me a bad friend. But he is also my best friend. So maybe if I had a closer friend than him I’d feel more inclined to keep the secret.

But why does he need to know your friend’s secrets?

YABVU. We’re married, we don’t have secrets.

I tell my husband absolutely everything, and no, I’m not going to stop.

.

walrushurricane
I agree with you OP. I find it a bit childish and naive when women tell their partners everything including their friends private business. Men don't usually do the same time.

I think a lot of men would ask their wives for advice on or talk about eg men they know having mh or health issues or friends’ break ups etc. I also think women tell men because they need to vent/ reason etc, I wouldn’t do it myself but I don’t think it’s childish- they’re the person you go to when you have a problem so it stands to reason that if a friends’ problem becomes yours, you might feel the need to talk about it

Same.

My closest friend did this to me when we were in our early/mid 20’s. And I found out because he asked me about the situation. The situation which was an extremely personal matter that I had not previously discussed with him.
i didn’t confront her because at that age I had no confidence to do so but it completely changed my relationship with both of them. And others too, it opened my eyes to the fact that I really couldn’t trust anyone.

So, plenty of people saying it = important
Lots of people in a poll = popularity doesn't matter

My friends would say exactly the same in a voice note to me as they would with both of us in the room. That's a fact. I am the same with them. Your friendship group might operate differently, and that's okay.

People who have different dynamics to you aren't shitty. I may have made an assumption it would be okay in the first instance, but that doesn't change the fact that it is.

Judgemental, snide remarks about my character based on a different dyanmic to what you would prefer is the height of arrogance. If my circle are content our way, and yours is content your way, then nobody is being disrespected. There are different, equally valid views on this topic and debating them has been interesting. The breathtaking superiority, not so much.

There is absolutely no reason to tell your other half sensitive information about a friend if it doesn't affect them.

The only reason anyone would do this is just pure gossip mongering.

The thing is my friends would do the same - we all know this. If it was explicitly said ‘do not tell DH’ then it’s a different story, but I also can’t think of a situation where this would occur. And we have been in some wild phases in our lifetimes.

I’m really surprised that so many people would pass freinds secrets on to their husbands. I would have thought it would go without saying that confidences are kept. Would you all tell your freinds your husbands secrets too. Shocking.

Wow. So not only do you blab to your DH, you don’t have the basic decency and integrity to let your friends know that you’re going to tell him and thus give them the choice about him knowing. What an utterly shit friend you are.

Edited for typo

I’ve been married for 10 years and together for 12 and no way do I go blabbing about my friends to DH. We’ve plenty of other things to talk about and I’m not a gossip. I found out one of my oldest friends had told her partner something I’d told her in confidence about my DH that I was unhappy about and she let slip a comment her partner had made about it so it was obvious she’d told him. If she asks me about that issue now I tell her it’s all fine and I won’t be telling her anything else I don’t want other people to know about. Me and DH are two separate people not one connected consciousness and I wouldn’t expect DH to break confidence with his friends by telling me their secrets either

I think it’s difficult to say for certain without knowing what it is, but something personal about a friend that they have asked you to keep secret should usually be kept secret even from your husband. I guess the exception would be if you were very worried about the friend/she was at risk etc and you weren’t sure what to do.
It definitely is ok for married couples to keep something a secret if it’s about someone else

If that's genuinely how you want to live, crack on, and I hope your friends really do know exactly how untrustworthy you are with their business and are genuinely fine with it, not just fine with it because they don't know any different.
It's honestly sad that you don't value other people's privacy or seem to respect anyone in your life the way you respect your husband. You clearly need this to be okay, so mayebe the poll is truly representative , but plenty of people on here are telling you it isn't and it woulde hurt them , and just because something's common, or even if most people did it, that doesn't make it not shitty. Popularity isnt the same thing as decency.

It's not "clinging" to a fact to point out 49% of people disagree with you. To my knowledge, "actual people" responded to that, too. Your assertion of what is abnormal is unfounded.

That aside, my response to your comment isn't to ignore your point. I've replied, substantively, to more or less the same thing said by others. That you either failed to read the thread, or ignored what you read, isn't a moral failure on my part.

I've explained why I am confident my marriage dynamic is known to my friend group. I've also acknowledged a different approach is needed for people I meet in the future.

It's you who didn't listen.

But it wasn’t the wife’s secret - how on earth would it affect or be relevant to the husband or their relationship?

Clinging to the poll is a strange thing to find comfort in when actual people, in actual replies, are telling you plainly that what you're describing genuinely hurts people who think friendship is supposed to come with some baseline of trust. A poll doesn't override that, it's not really the point.
And it's a shame you're not willing to engage with it properly, because it just means you'll carry on being the kind of friend who does this to people. If ducking out now feels like taking the moral high ground to you, fine, but it wasn't an attack, you just weren't listening.

Per the poll, you have a majority of 2%, so I'd row back on decreeing what is "normal" with that margin.

I note your advice, but as I've addressed variations of this several times now, I'm not going to respond to this point again.