AIBU to think telling your partner something I told you in confidence makes you a bad friend?

They shouldn't have to do that work though, that's on you to ask, not on them to pre-empt. Think about what you're actually asking of people, that every time they want to tell you something personal, they have to first weigh up whether this is a "tell my husband too" topic or not, and then find the words to explicitly say "please keep this between us", which is honestly such an awkward, uncomfortable thing to have to say out loud to a friend. It puts all the emotional labour and the risk on them, when you're the one who's their friend, not him.
A private conversation with just you, when your husband isn't even in the room, is not some wild assumption to make. That's not a stretch, that's just what a one on one conversation with a friend normally means to most people. You don't get to quietly extend that to someone who isn't even present just because you're married to them.
Your friends haven't consented to him knowing everything by default. That's not how consent works, honestly it's a bit fucked that you think it should just be accepted as that

Totally agree.
These posters who share their friends' confidences have no idea that their dh probably doesn't care and is just being polite.
Or good actors.

Every single woman on this thread who tells her partner stuff that she's been told by a friend in confidence is a disloyal, untrustworthy piece of shit in my opinion and doesn't deserve friends.

It’s really not. It’s an ‘observation’ from someone who doesn’t understand it.

I’m v disappointed that the poll’s 50:50 atm. I expected 80:20 yanbu. I’m happily married 30 years and wouldn’t break my friends’ confidences in order to connect with my husband, and suspect he’d think less of me if I did.

You shouldnt presume people are separate entities who undetstand boundaries rather than enmeshed blabbermouths?

Really interesting observation.

I would tell dh things I’ve been told in confidence, but then I know 100% that he won’t blab.

They can assume they’ll be kept private from everyone other than my husband. If they don’t want him to know, they have to tell me that.

Same the other way round. I don’t assume they won’t tell their spouse.

I see this often, and genuinely don't understand it.

Why do you need to 'talk through' what a friend has told you with your husband; instead of talking it through with the friend?

What special talking through does he provide?

Your friends shouldn’t assume you can keep their worries/concerns private?

Of course, and they should absolutely assume their confidence won’t be broken outside of a marriage. But to assume the spouse won’t be told is an assumption too far. They can ask that they are not told, but not assume or expect them not to be.

Looking at it from the other side, I once had a boyfriend who told me absolutely everything that crossed his mind.
He would share things about his exes and things I suspect were told to him by his friends in confidence.

Not only did I deduce that he couldn't be trusted and had no tact, he was boring as fuck.

I don't give a shit if your best mate got a bj round the back of the club last week.

why not ? like every relationship there are conditions and assumptions that come along with being a 'friend' in order to be catagerorised as that rather than a stranger , just like there are assumptins associated with romantic relationships . its not a stretch or unreasonable that theres an assumption of trust and confidence in a friendship.

If you look to the law, if it's a safeguarding concern, there is no guarantee of confidentiality.

That's about the obligation on teachers and so on to report it to the appropriate authority if someone discloses a safeguarding concern to them. It's not giving you permission to tell your husband if someone makes a disclosure to you!

So do I. But THEY shouldn’t assume that.

Yeah as if the husbands want to know about Bev's peri issues.

Anyone remember the 80s sitcom Ever Decreasing Circles?
It featured a couple called Howard and Hilda who wore matching jumpers.

They were smug and shared everything.
Their borg-like oneness provided much hilarity.

Just sayin'.

Confidence is explicit, it comes in the 'friend' and 'private conversation' part

They shouldn’t need to. I always assume that personal stuff my friends tell me is confidential.

Or you could just say I tell my husband everything you tell me.

I suppose the problem you’ve seen with that is that people will tell you less.

Anyone expecting a confidence should be explicit about its extent. Prevents miscommunication and misunderstandings.

It may not have caused an issue for you. I bet it has for your friends and they probably don’t confide important stuff to you any more. I definitely wouldn’t.

Who are these men who give a flying fuck about what their wives’ friends are doing? I’m pretty confident they’re just nodding as you talk at them.

I don't tell my husband everything by any stretch, because it's not his business or he's not interested, or because telling him someone else's secret could actually cause harm or difficulty.

But to be honest, once you've told someone, you've broken your own confidence. A secret can only be kept by one person.

My sister is a DV victim from her own husband. Am I supposed to cope with that information and understand how to support her without the help of my husband? I've also told one of a group of four friends from our home area - because the other two are gossips/closely linked to the husband's family, whilst the last I can trust her discretion absolutely. I'm her circle of support, but I need my own too.

If you look to the law, if it's a safeguarding concern, there is no guarantee of confidentiality.

On a much more casual level, I share things about friends in different friend circles who'll rarely or never meet. Sharing within the same circle is very different to sharing in a separate circle, IMO.