AIBU to support my children attending their uncle's event in spite of ex’s objections re: his step-child

BankHolidayproblem · 2026-08-27T13:46:12+00:00

I have 17 year old, a 13 year old and an 8 year old. I initiated a divorce with their dad 6 years ago, he wasn’t horrible or abusive but it was like having a 4th child. Just as we were separating his brother met the woman he went on to marry. I have met this woman twice in passing and not at all for five years. My kids really like her and my eldest was her bridesmaid and will be the Godmother of the child she is expecting later in the year. They entertain about three times in 18 months and my kids love these occasions although apparently my former MiL is irritated by the fussiness of these occasions. They have something planned on Bank Holiday Monday. My ex moved in with a new partner and her 9 year old at the beginning of the year and this has not gone down too well with the children full stop but he is now trying to stop them going on Monday because new partner and her child aren’t invited. My two eldest have told him that they are going and youngest begging me not to stop her going.

Wadsworthy · 27/08/2026 17:42

Well, I can see why you divorced your DCs' father. What a knob.

This is the thing with "blended" families. The person "so in leeerve" with a new (affair or rebound) partner and tells everyone "I treat his/her child as if it were my own" can make choices, but other members of the extended family don't have to go along with those choices as if they were theirs (IYSWIM). Your DDs didn't make their father's choice and they don't have to agree.

Your DDs are old enough to make their own decisions about when & where to see their father. And he will reap what he sows.

JohnofWessex · 27/08/2026 17:07

maxslice · 27/08/2026 16:26

The Mumsnet World is so weird about stepchildren. Exes cause no end of trouble too. Not to mention the attitudes about other people’s children, dogs, BBQs, and footballs over the fence. I suppose this is a good place to vent and/or offer advice, sometimes support. Still, there’s also a huge amount of
negativity. Maybe I need to take a break.

If I say I went out with my wife & an ex girlfriend for lunch recently and we all had a nice time (Yes we did and I never lived with or had children with the ex) there isnt much to discuss in there

Sartre · 27/08/2026 16:53

Sounds like there’s bad blood between your ex’s new partner and his brother/his wife. Doesn’t really matter why but it shouldn’t affect your children who are invited and should absolutely go. Just do as planned and have your eldest drive them all to it, he doesn’t get a say.

maxslice · 27/08/2026 16:26

The Mumsnet World is so weird about stepchildren. Exes cause no end of trouble too. Not to mention the attitudes about other people’s children, dogs, BBQs, and footballs over the fence. I suppose this is a good place to vent and/or offer advice, sometimes support. Still, there’s also a huge amount of
negativity. Maybe I need to take a break.

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 16:24

I have no idea if there is bad blood between the brothers, there certainly never was in my day. They have definitely met. The new partner and her child at my ex in/laws when my children have also been there.

Mh eldest is 17, she can drive them I don’t need to be involved. I needed advice on how to deal with ex if he tries to stop youngest.

As I said I will simply say she wants to stay at home this weekend if he tries to get her to go away with him.

OP posts:

Namenamchange · 27/08/2026 16:14

x2boys · 27/08/2026 14:56

This all sounds veey confusing
Do the two brothers not get along?
Why would the ex Bil not invite his brothers partner and her child?
Your children may not likre the fact their Dad has moved on but its been six years assuming theres no abuse

Why cant you all try and sort this out amicably for the sake of the children?

Why does op need to get involved. Half of it isn’t her problem. The children have been invited and want to go. Op can drop them or they can make their own way there.
Ex not going, doesn’t involve op.

PrawnAgain · 27/08/2026 16:12

The beef between your ex and his brother is nothing to do without you. He could be being unreasonable, or perhaps his family have been hostile and rude to his partner and this is the last straw.

None of this is your problem. If you have no issues with them going then just drop them off there if you are happy to. There's no need for you to concern yourself with the ins and outs and whether or not your ex MIL is "irritated by the fussiness of the occasion"

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 27/08/2026 16:10

How close are the brothers? Has the Uncle even met the new woman and her child? Maybe that’s why they’re not invited? Is your ex even invited?

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 16:09

I don’t really have anything more to add. I have made the decision not to comment at all to my ex unless he initiates a conversation.

When he told me about this woman he told me his mother had told him not to be a ‘fuckwit’ like he was with me.

He was never ever abusive, but it was like living with an immature six year old.

I am of the genuine belief that he might have ADHD. He has to make the person in front if him happy at that moment regardless of consequences. So I bet that he is trying to make new partner happy by trying to persuade our kids not to go where she hasn’t been invited.

OP posts:

Somethinggg · 27/08/2026 16:02

Yanbu.

Though I don't get why the others aren't invited, it's never a good idea for a parent to try and use their children's relationships with wider family as leverage to force them to accept new partner and/or DSC. You'd be saving your ex from himself.

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 15:56

My eldest rarely stayed at her dad’s. The middle and youngest child are annoyed that their father has now rented his own flat out and they don’t want to stay at new partner’s although youngest does occasionally.

Ex has had to stay at his mother’s when he had to have youngest overnight.

All of them seem to like partner and she apparently tries very hard. They haven’t commented on partner or her child other than objecting to never seeing father alone.

My eldest is away, when she returns I am going to ask her if she has ever moaned about them to her uncle and his wife.

OP posts:

x2boys · 27/08/2026 15:55

Makebelieveanotherlife · 27/08/2026 15:40

So the kids don’t get along with the new kid. And the uncle and aunt are supporting their Dn’s. Sounds about right.
They don’t have to be forced to include random children and make them part of the family.
the relationship with their relatives is nothing to do with the new people and your ex isn’t being a good parent by trying to force this on everyone

Well they dont but most people try to be civil with their siblings partner.

Makebelieveanotherlife · 27/08/2026 15:40

So the kids don’t get along with the new kid. And the uncle and aunt are supporting their Dn’s. Sounds about right.
They don’t have to be forced to include random children and make them part of the family.
the relationship with their relatives is nothing to do with the new people and your ex isn’t being a good parent by trying to force this on everyone

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 15:35

No one will drop them. My eldest will drive them.

Again I have no idea why his partner is not invited. The child is hers, there is no shared child.

OP posts:

TheDenimPoet · 27/08/2026 15:31

It's a bit weird to invite 3 of his brother's children, but not the one he share's with his new partner. But it's not your circus, not your monkeys. Whoever has the children on the day decides whether they go, ultimately, as it's their contact time and they are parenting at that point. I think personally it's really important for kids to know their families, so I would absolutely be wanting them to go.

But how odd for your ex to have to drop the kids off at a family event, and not go in himself.

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 15:30

There has been no discussion with me just with the kids.

OP posts:

Ethelspagetti · 27/08/2026 15:30

Vaxtable · 27/08/2026 14:47

Your kids have been invited so of course they go. If Dad doesn’t like it he takes it up with his brother not spoil the relationship they have with an uncle

Agreed.

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 15:29

Youngest doesn’t trust her dad not to stop her going to uncle’s. I genuinely don’t know if she has any foundation for thinking this.

OP posts:

Gardenisablooming · 27/08/2026 15:25

Your ex really doesn't get to decide who the dc socialise with.

If he keeps dd has she got means to contact you for a lift home ?

MonkeyMaze101 · 27/08/2026 15:22

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 15:17

We have a flexible arrangement re: the youngest but he tends to see her on Saturdays generally but she has got it into her head he will keep her so she can’t go to her uncle’s.

I think I won’t contact Ex but if he texts I will say she wants to stay with me and her sibs this weekend and they will go to uncle’s on Monday. I will see what he has to say for himself. I won’t initiate contact with him before Saturday.

But does she just go on Saturdays? Surely she could still go to Dads, back yo you Sun then off to BIL Monday?

Has Dad told you he doesn't want them going to BILs or something?

Sorry it's a bit hard to follow

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 15:17

We have a flexible arrangement re: the youngest but he tends to see her on Saturdays generally but she has got it into her head he will keep her so she can’t go to her uncle’s.

I think I won’t contact Ex but if he texts I will say she wants to stay with me and her sibs this weekend and they will go to uncle’s on Monday. I will see what he has to say for himself. I won’t initiate contact with him before Saturday.

OP posts:

Mycatmax · 27/08/2026 15:11

So do you mean the party is during ex contact time? Is that what the problem is?

In that case, tell him the DC are all going to the party and you are taking them. You can drop them off at his afterwards (assuming that works?)

Pistachiocake · 27/08/2026 15:03

It's up to the host to decide who is invited, though I can't see why they wouldn't invite the new partner and child, unless there's a problem you don't discuss.

Original poster

BankHolidayproblem · 27/08/2026 15:01

I will only intervene if ex contacts me re: youngest. Youngest won’t go to see her dad as she wants to go to the meal.

I always assumed ex got on with his brother. All of my kids seem to like the new partner but want to see their dad without her. I have no idea why she hasn’t been invited.

OP posts:

Pootles34 · 27/08/2026 14:59

I would be trying to stay out of it tbh - the older teens can decide if they're going or not. Re the youngest, whose day is it?