colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

Op if her husband is gay surely you can see how difficult this is for her. A million thoughts…my marriage is a sham/ can I tolerate an open marriage/ what about my dc/ how would I have not known/ this is why sex has been low. I mean you’re annoyed with a colleague who chose you to confide in something she is emotionally burdened with?

so I have a few life rules which I often quote…

they are on a need to know basis and they do not need to know

we we don’t out people. They out
themselves only. Not limited to sexual
preference
I am a very good information kept private keeper. Secret is just a word. It’s known i’m a good secret keeper. I’m keeping 3 right now. Eventually they will be revealed and then I will act like it’s new news to me.

secret keeping is a skill I worked at. It’s not my natural way as I love discussing anything and everything. Interestingly I learned it from my unmarried great aunt who was told a lot of marriage secrets because she was a wonderful listener and good advice giver My mother was also a good secret keeper
but aunt Irma was the OG.

work on being more reliable and worthy of a confidential revelation It’s a great friend who keeps a secret

disclaimer…no vulnerable people harmed by my secret keeping

Imagining a lot of DHs just sat there like 😶while their information sharing wife chunners on about Vals blokes awful prostate exam, and how Susan has fell out with her MIL again and Tara has started drinking more than one glass of wine a night 😂😂😂

Remember, no secrets! 😂

Your poor colleague. Like many would have, she assumed a higher bar of discretion and integrity than you were able to offer.

I don't understand spouses who tell the other things which were not meant to be shared just because "Well, I tell DH everything!" It just seems so... incontinent.

I've known DP for half my life, I know there are things his friends and family have told him which he will take to the grave, and which he would never share with me. It's one of his good points -I'd lose respect for him if I thought he was talkative in that way, and I'm an open, chatty, sociable person. I know he thinks the same of me.

Me too. It appalls me that so many women refuse to keep their friends' confidences, because 'i don't keep secrets from my husband'.

It's pathetic and they're all lying to their friends, just so that they can have an excuse to gossip with their DH. There's absolutely no other reason that makes sense. It's highly unlikely that their DH is remotely interested in their colleague's/friend's troubles anyway. And if it's some self imposed loyalty pact, it's ridiculous.

It's discovering this about most women that's almost stopped me confiding in our sharing with anyone. I choose who I can trust, and if I trusted their DH I'd tell them both. If I've just told you, and asked you not to tell anyone, then you should damn well stick to it. You don't owe your husband my confidences.

In that situation, I would have lied to your colleague.

But things must be pretty bad if someone outside your workplace could see how things were with your colleague & her DH.

Do your friends know you can’t be trusted to keep their secret? You should probably let them know, so they can choose whether to tell you things or not.

I'm voting you are being unreasonable, as you should not disclose the information to your husband if he has not learnt the art of being discreet.

So? I wouldn’t hide something from my husband
So do you tell your husband every single bit of your conversations?
You cant possibly nobody surely has enough time in the day, but you are happy to share someone's personal details that could make them vulnerable.
Shame on you.

It is pathetic.

My husband of 30 years and I have a strong, loving and secure marriage. We trust each other’s decision-making and I would respect my husband for not divulging his friend’s personal secret to me.

There are plenty of people that agree with me. We can agree we disagree.

It’s not ‘hiding’ it from him. It’s none of his business.

Is it just me who finds it really pathetic how many people tell their DPs secrets.
Not just you.

I find it weird that people tell their partners 'everything'
When some peoplechave been catching up with friends it"s only the gossip secrets they share. They don't say ' well Mary was telling me that Tesco had run out of ham and she had to have a chicken sandwich for work instead', no, never the mundane, everyday stuff isnt shared!

If they told their partners every bit of the conversation a, partners would be bored to death and b, you could be there all night. Funny its only the private stuff that gets shared.

A colleague was upset because she told her partner her friend's confidential info. It was about an abortion a friend had and was really scared and vulnerable. The friend hadn't told another person. Colleague told her partner. They split up soon after this as the relationshipwas on the rocks . The partner told everyone he could about her friend's information to be nasty to colleague.
It was devastating for her friend. When colleague told me this I said why on earth did you tell him. She said' well that's what you do"
I told her my view is that it wasn't her information to share, her friend had trusted her when she was at her lowest point and had no one else to turn to turn to, not everyone needs to know everything and there was no benefit to him knowing. The ex didnt even know the woman, only by sight.

After I've been out with my friends Dh asks how I've got on and have I had a good catch up. ( and then carries on watching TV!!)
It goes two ways, Im 100% certain that dh doesn't tell me everything about his convoy with his friends.

In fact stuff has come to light months later about one of his friends that dh has known about but not shared because quite frankly it wasn't my buisness to know.

Exactly.

‘I tell my husband everything’ aka ‘I am not a person who can be trusted with my friends’ confidences’.

Surely it’s all going to come “out” eventually?!?

Surely it’s all going to come “out” eventually?!?

So? I wouldn’t hide something from my husband.

I agree. I tell my husband everything. Apart from my friends secrets.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable if your DH mentioned it first and you then confirmed it.

It's quite ironic when you call yourselves trusting when you can't even keep other peoples secrets from each other.

There are just certain things that you should not share with a living soul if it isn't yours to share. My friend's DD for example was raped in the park one night, my friend was naturally distraught and her DD was embarassed and shocked, there was not a cat's chance in hell that I would go and tell anyone their business. My friend needed someone she trusted to speak to about it, she would have been completely heartbroken if I had spread that to anyone, regardless of how much I trusted them.

So the DH is obviously as camp as Christmas and anyone can tell or OPs DH has exceptionally good gaydar which might lead one to wonder...

Either/Or

You should never had told your husband.
Your workfriend is right to be annoyed with you.

Incidentally I thought the gay husband on Mumsnet was an urban legend - you mean, it's actually true?

If the OP and her husband have socialised with the OP's colleague and her husband, then the OP's husband has eyes and ears himself!! OP's husband probably guessed at some point the husband is possibly gay (it can be obvious!) and then discovers the couple are having relationship issues! It's not going to take a genius to figure out why!! The OP then confirms her husband's thought process.

When your colleague asked if your husband knew, you should have told a 'white lie' and said No. There was really no reason to be honest with her, as it wouldn't have achieved anything (and hasn't!). You shouldn't have confirmed to your husband that he is correct, your colleague confided in you, she didn't 'overshare'.

I would be inclined to reiterate that your husband guessed and you didn't tell him, but neither did you tell him he is wrong. Apologise and tell her that your husband won't tell anyone else.

Is it just me who finds it really pathetic how many people tell their DPs secrets.

I’m guessing these posters don’t have many friends.

So you admitted that you and DH were gossiping about them?

Why not when she asked if DH knew, you not say you don’t know as it’s not something you would discuss. That you feel it is quite obvious but DH isn’t the type to gossip.

how is a husband guessing something "telling him"?