colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

Nobody has the right to impose secrecy on someone else's marriage. Even the law doesn't expect that. I would always assume that if I confided in a married person, their spouse will be highly likely to know about it. No one has the right to come between husbands and wives.

Now then, I'm not your wife but I am dying to know what the tea is. Spill!

Excuse typos.

I ever, ever, ever allow anybody to dump their grubby secrets on me. Sounds like she didn't even have the courtesy to ask you if you minded carring her secrets around.

If someone does ask can you keep a secret I always say "I don't know". I don't know if I will be able to keep your secret till I know what it is. And I do NOT keep secrets from my husband to please other people.

I might not tell him if it's something that doesn't affect him and doesn't cause me any angst to not tell him, or if it is something I (not you or someone else I get to choose) do not want to tell him.

But of course I don't agree to that without knowing what it is.

Grubby secrets cause no end of hassles. Don't allow people to dump them on you and make it clear you will tell your husband if you want to - it's not your responsibility to lie to him by omission or feel uncomfortable and unable to confide him to keep someone else happy. Fuck that sideways.

What the hell? I certainly don't stop being an individual just because I got married.

It probably depends on what kind of people you surround yourself with. My friends and family are still individuals and none of them would blab to their husband without asking first. It doesn't even cross our minds.

I would tell my dh this kind of thing but he’d be discreet and no one would know! The only thing I don’t tell him is patient details or anything that would breach gdpr - although a lot of our work re sensitive issues crosses over so he knows anyway (which is helpful for processing upsetting information together).

Yes I've known about mental health field who have disclosed personal information to their spouse. As a consequence patients didn't trust them and they rightly got fired.

People in the mental health field have regular supervisions for exactly that reason. Even if you don't name names it is often easy to identify someone. If you can't keep a "secret" from your spouse don't work there. The same as telling your friend beforehand at least they can make an informed decision then.

Good grief, you've done it again - you've effectively told a load of total strangers what this woman's husband's issue is. She has every reason to be furious with you.

Another one here who tells husband everything. Unless it would hurt his feelings
so you dont tell your dh everything, you are selective.
However it is ok to hurt your friends feelings by gossiping about her, even if your husband doesn't need to know.

A single package? What does that even mean? DH and I are not joined at the hip! We are 2 different people with different minds and personalities and we have individual friends...

We are not Borg. (Or bees!) We don't have a hive mind!

You've misread my tone. It was more of a jolly "you didn't tell me x was on your ward!" and not a "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

I was so keen to pass on my colleague's compliments, that I simply forgot that of course she wouldn't say.

Another one here who tells husband everything. Unless it would hurt his feelings. That’s what relationships are about - you are a single package?

But you'd share the confidence if a person he knows. Your friend. Your relative...

Why would you do that? Why do you think he deserves to know something that you've been asked to keep private? Why are you happy to lie to the person who asked you to keep their confidentiality?

It's insane. You don't want to lie to your DH by omission about something he has no reason to need to know or care about, but you're happy to lie to your friend when she's already vulnerable and upset.

Can you not see how illogical and immortal that is?

Hahaha where on earth did I say that. I’m specifically talking about when someone discloses something to you personally but expects you to keep secrets within your relationship. Why on earth WOULD your daughter have disclosed that to you? It’s weird that you would ask her why she hadn’t when you clearly grasp how confidentiality works.

. Goes without saying identifiable information wouldn’t be divulged but my husband is the single person I can trust to offload to who I know wouldn’t share as gossip.
But would you tell him your best friends private information.?

I think if you spoke to many people with sensitive/traumatic jobs you’d find if they didn’t have a non-involved third party they could trust to offload to it would make it near impossible to cope with as a job

Every job I've had when there has been an incident or something sensitive that we've dealt with we have a debrief. We also have support of our colleagues who know exactly what the situation is like and there are also monthly supervisions to off load as well as a wellbeing service. Incidents also get mentioned in team meetings where we are reminded thst we can seek further support if needed.

If you did off load at home hopefully you wouldn't be disclosing names or identifying features, especially if you live in a small town.

Yes. Goes without saying identifiable information wouldn’t be divulged but my husband is the single person I can trust to offload to who I know wouldn’t share as gossip.

He has as much risk from sharing as I do - after all my job pays our mortgage as much as his does. So I’d say I’d assume it would often be partners that people offload to.

But they don't mention names or any identifying details. And the person they offload to is generally not their spouse.

I think if you spoke to many people with sensitive/traumatic jobs you’d find if they didn’t have a non-involved third party they could trust to offload to it would make it near impossible to cope with as a job.

And if you work on an place where confidentiality is all?

It doesn't have to be GCHQ. One of if my colleagues a fee years ago, was admitted to hospital for a few days. When she returned to work, she mentioned that my daughter had been her nurse, and how lovely she was. When I saw my daughter I asked why she hasn't mentioned that my colleague had been in her ward. She looked at me as if I'd lost my mind "of course I didn't tell you. What if she hadn't wanted people to know about her condition? We're not allowed to disclose who's on our ward or having treatment"

So you'd go ahead and break a patient's confidentiality, in her position? Because you think your DH deserves to know because he's married to you?

Exactly!

I would get fired immediately (and likely a prison sentence too) if I spoke about certain things from my work.

How do these couples cope in this situation - do they regularly break the law and tell each other anyway or are they simply unable to get jobs that require a level of confidence because they HAVE to tell each other everything.

Hahaha nope , funny coincidence of similar post , but not me (plus I’m a lesbian with a wife) .

You shouldn’t have confirmed it. You should apologise.

There are no secrets in my marriage ( that I am aware of!)
We are both transparent.
However information about my friends personal life does not come under martial secrets. I haven't got consent to share details. I would hate to have my mefical information discussed for example by others , so I wont gossip about my friends.

Does this fly?
' Dh works at Bae. Should I know what he is doing at work, I mean he has signed the official secrets but we are married,we tell each other everything and trust each other implicity'

No it doesn't. I have no right to know.
If i can live without knowing what's going on, dh can live without knowing something that I have been told privately that doesn't affect him in any shape or form.

Over the years I have been told about my friend being a subject of DV. It was tricky because her partner was my then partners best friend. I could have made things a lot worse if I passed on what she was telling me and how she was trying to escape from it.

You obviously don’t trust each other if you feel you need to tell each other everything.

No one in a secure, trusting relationship would feel the need to tell each other everything and they wouldn’t see it as ‘hiding’ anything either.

I don’t tell my partner stuff about people he knows or will meet. I realise that IS the case with this OP.

Do I tell him stuff about my colleagues who live hundreds of miles away who he’s never met? Of course. How will they know he knows / how will it affect them??