Maintenance and extra's

Does your ex have them 45% of the time though?

Could you have a semi formal sit down together without the children around and write down all your incomings and child-related outgoings? If your ex took time out of the workplace in the early years of child raising and now commands a lower wage, it feels fair for you to contribute more so she has a comparable standard of living, esp for the children's sakes. But this sounds as if it's gone too far the other way. Why isn't she working? Has she looked at costs and seemed it not worthwhile? She has hugely more free time than you so should take on all the admin labour.

I think the point was can he continue to pay half of the extras on top of the CMA amount?

A reasonable amount would be the amount you would have to pay through CMS calculations. You currently pay slightly more than that. So if you have to reduce it by £16 a month but not any lower than that. And you should contribute to 50% of uniform costs etc

Just to give an alternative view - I’m a mum in this situation and receive benefits (UC, LCWRA and PIP). My ex pays the CMS minimum but also pays half of things like mobiles, uniforms, glasses etc. On paper it looks like I have quite a lot coming in but in reality it doesn’t go far with 2 teenagers who eat me out of house and home and are constantly growing out of things.

Between the two us we’ve been able to create a comfortable life for them but the money I receive from him is the difference between eating beans and pasta all month and being able to give them money to go to the cinema.

I would have an open and honest conversation with your ex about and see if savings can be made together.

Could you phase it out gradually rather than a blanket no more?

Also, if my ex said he suddenly wanted 50/50 to avoid paying me anything and decent relationship between us would be out the window and I’d be sticking exactly to the current arrangements - no more favours if he’s working late / needs to reschedule his time with them.

Surely the amount of free time either of them may or may not have is irrelevant if they aren’t together?
They aren’t owed equal free time from someone they aren’t in a relationship with. Free time or working hours is all irrelevant when it comes to co parenting, the only thing that remains is parental responsibility.

It’s fine for her to do labor. It is not fine for him to not pay for things like school uniform for his parenting time.

I wondered how long it would be before someone utterly unreasonable came along.
The OP works full time. His wife does not work at all. Yet he is unreasonable because he doesn't spend his limited free time running errands (which he contributes to financially) while his ex has no calls on her time that we know of, plus 45% of her time child-free.
She also has 100% of all the extra child-related benefits although she is only responsible for them 55% of the time. Plus maintenance.
It's not the ex who has the worst deal here.

I think you just have to do what you can. What you're currently paying is only slightly over what CMS will expect you to pay anyway, but times really are tough out there and as unfortunate as it is for the kids, if the money isn't stretching and you're risking debt etc. then certain extras might have to go.
It's hard enough with both parents under one roof. Trying to maintain two properties and two lots of bills must be increasingly difficult for you both.
Have the conversation with your ex and see what she says and if there are places you can both compromise.

If you have the children 45% of the time you should be buying 45% of the uniform yourself. Also taking them for 45% of the haircuts and paying for 45% of the trips. If your ex is handling all that labor for you, that doesn’t mean you get out of paying the costs.

I can fully understand why your struggling. We are a 2 parent household. We have some shizz going on and had looked at separating.

Basically it was unaffordable and would take about 70% of our take home pay off the table in housing & living costs - neither of us would qualify for UC.

Do the kids do a LOT of extra things? Like more than kids normally do - as in - if they are cut back would they REALLY be missing out? As a kid I got riding lessons and that was it. Only school trips at key points etc.

To be fair anyone in receipt of UC now gets FSM, which I absolutely disagree with but there you go. She should also get help towards school trips I think. In that case, you probably should tell her you can’t afford the extras OP BUT with the caveat that if your DC tell you they’re missing out on x and y, you reinstate the extra cash if possible. Ultimately you don’t want your children to suffer.

Sounds like she’s onto a real winner tbh! You’re right free school meals, various benefits she’s claiming, maintenance from her ex, only has her kids 55% and not working! What is she actually contributing financially? The tax payer and her ex are paying more than their fair share!

It's like she is taking you for a ride. I'd push for 50:50 in that case and then you can both fund your own time. Ultimately she needs to get a job!

If mum isnt working, wont they get funding for school uniforms? Also free school meals?

Have Uniforms, shoes and winter coats for school this year been purchased already?

I would suggest to your ex that due to CoL rises without payrises, you can’t manage financially any more. Be apologetic and say you’d like to discuss how things are going to work going forward.

Why not have the kids 50% - ie you have the kids 175 nights per year? Then the cms calculator would suggest you don’t really need to pay much maintenance at all. You could take 5 days unpaid leave or holiday to look after them for an extra 5 nights and save yourself money!

I'm not sure they get PIP and DLA - I thought that was OP mixing the two up. But if the ex does get PIP then that could well be a reason why she doesn't work.

I admire your desire to stay amicable OP at considerable cost to you. If your ex is not open to negotiation perhaps you could warn her that 50:50 would have a substantial negative impact on her benefits. Also that with the additional elements that she will now be receiving she doesn't need the extras that you pay. Just present her with the figures. She can't argue with them. It must be hard enough for you trying to finance a home big enough for all of you and pay for everything when they are with you when you have no access to benefits at all, only to watch her accepting all this money.

They both have varying levels but they will impact the universal credit positivley.

If you have them 5% more, you’ll pay nothing. Then can just focus on the extras and uniforms etc. not sure how popular that would make you though

She gets PIP child gets DLA that will push the universal credit up significantly and she wont be subject to caps

I know nothing about benefits whatsoever but are either very much money?

Well she only has them 55% of the time.