Maintenance and extra's

Maintenance is for anything your ex decides it’s for, you don’t get a say in this. If she wants to spend it on herself she can. It’s part and parcel of separating. There’s no approved list dictating what the RP spends CM on, and rightly so for obvious reasons. Provided you have no evidence of neglect or abuse and your DC are catered for, it doesn’t really matter what this gets spent on. Probably bills, food and clothes for your kids.

Have a conversation with her and explain how difficult you’re finding things financially. Offer to take the children more if that helps but that CM will be removed if you do go up to 50:50. Maybe they could have clothes and uniform at each house to save the argument of splitting extra costs- both of you become responsible for clothing in your own homes.

If you genuinely can’t afford it, then you need to sit down and work out an amount that you can afford and explain to your ex what’s going on.
Who is choosing the items when purchasing the things you are paying 50%?
You don’t want your children to miss out but equally many families can’t afford for their children to head out on every trip offered, treat days.
They go for glasses that don’t go over the voucher amount, during activities week they go for a mid range activity rather than the expensive one, clothes are brought in the sales etc.
It seems a little odd that you have your children 45% of the time and yet by the sound of it you have allowed your ex to keep the full amount of everything she claims ie the eldest’s DLA (unless it goes to the child directly) child benefit etc
My friend is in a similar situation and when they split they decided they would each claim for one child rather than one person claiming for both and the support given for their SEN child was split according to the time at each parents house etc

He has them around 40% of the time.

If you’ve got shoes and winter coats and uniform, that would likely be a lot of recent spending for three children.
Could you have an honest conversation with Ex and say that now school essentials are covered, you need to economise as your rent has gone up and agree a cap on extras for Sept/Oct as not much should be needed? Maybe new glasses need to be within voucher cost, maybe fewer cinema trips?. Be clear that you don’t want the kids to miss out but your income is finite and not limitless. Families still together are having to tighten their belts - and you have the same COL pressures.

Not always.

The mother may well have a larger inome.

That's not true. It only goes to zero in some very specific circumstances and not just for 50% of the nights. Only for true 50/50 care which basically both parents have to agree is the case. Otherwise there is still a resident and non-resident parent, and the NR parent still pays maintenance.

If it goes 50:50 then no maintenance is due by either party.

I presume she is either in receipt of LCW or LCWRA, or is named as carer for the DC with DLA, or is satisfying the work coach that she is looking for work.

Very high indeed. OP would have to be earning well over 50k a year with 3 kids & overnight stays. Does not seem correct at all.

If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. But have the decency to sit down with your kids and explain to them that the reason they can no longer go on school trips or take activities or do whatever it is, is because you can’t afford to pay your share. Don’t make this your ex’a problem by assuming she’ll somehow magically up the money out of nowhere or else has to be the bad guy telling the kids their extras are being cancelled.

I'm in a similar (but somewhat different situation).

I'm separated and divorced for the father of my DC. All three are disabled and I get PIP/DLA for all three. They also live with me full time, but two of the DC will see him overnight about once a week. I'm view of that, I don't share the benefits with their Dad.

I think if you have a close to 50/50 split on childcare and costs, then the DLA should also get split between households or maintenance adjusted accordingly. Also bear in mind when the oldest turns 16 they need to apply for PIP. My oldest made me an appointee and I did that on their behalf.

You and mum are equally entitled to apply to be appointee for PIP and should discuss it together.

I also budget for the DC openly with their dad and agree on extras and who will pay. E.g. I do all school costs, but we split out of school activities. Openness really helps.

OP is doing almost 50/50 anyway. Let's be fair to OP.

I know teens are expensive. Paying the minium could mean anything depending how much your ex earns. From what you said you claim it sounds like you could manage without ex if you had to.

Plus OP has his kids almost half the week. Its not just about money.

A smaller amount would be due. If op does overnight stays cms was account for this and reduce his payments significantly. I agree he should continue to work with ex and speak with her 1st though.

Becsuse one child gets DLA assuming its at least medium rate care she can claim carers allowance and there will be no requirement to work its unclear but she msy also be on receipt of PIP herself.

Going to add a fair view here OP. You and ex seem to get on well enough to have a private arrangement and childcare arrangements.

Do ANY of your children have an ISA child 1 inparticular?? This could be a good suggestion.

Who buys clothes/shoes OP?

It does sound like you do pay your fair share and you do almost half the week. Could you have a chat with ex and explain?

How is she getting UC with kids that age ?
why doesn’t she work? This is why we get accused of benefit bashing - but it looks like she is at home on quite a good deal.

He hasn’t though - the whole point of the post 😵‍💫

I'm.also in this situation, and have enough money to not worry.
Ex has a minimum wage job and a hime to run, and another kid to raise.
Ex doesn't pay CMS because the kids gets dla which covers what he would pay, and he would struggle to pay the cms.
Keeps things civil

You already almost at the point of 50/50 parenting, at that point no maintainance is due from either party.