AIBU? DH and family holiday

60 isn't a big birthday! 🙄This obsession with every birthday with a 0 in it is incomprehensible to me. It's just an age and certainly not a reason for a husband to leave his very unwell wife and 3 young children over Christmas to help his still-young father celebrate his birthday.

I apologie because my previous comment did say maybe he could go for less time, come back christmas eve - so the carers / family member would be staying before christmas, not during. I just wrote them b2b when I should have done an edit.

I also don't think it's that unheard of if she really requires his daily assistance then things should be put in place anyway because life happens and it's hard work being there 24/7 for someone else. Admittedly I do not know her condition

Over Christmas? When they have young children? I don't think that would be normal.

If he is your full time carer you could be entitled to assistance from at home carers whilst he takes his break, it's not unheard of and completely normal, or ask a family member to come stay with you for a couple of days

Why an eye roll? Husband gets to go albeit with the children, the children get an alternative Christmas and the OP gets a break and minimal Christmas stress.

They'll all be back on Boxing Day and can have still have some Christmas time as a family.

I think it's unfair in a way that everyone is saying how selfish it is, it's his dads big birthday, it's his son, he wants to be with his dad and the dad clearly would like HIS child there.

Potentially ask your husband if he will go for less time, 4 days celebrate the birthday and come back on Christmas eve?

No my husband wouldn’t do this to me and I also wouldn’t do it to him. I don’t blame you for feeling like you’re done up, extremely selfish and hurtful.

THis

Or hand him the link to this thread

Yes! It sounds like heaven to me.

OP fight if you have the energy, for better care for your endometriosis (not because of this trip). Women deserve better and there are traitements out there, even a hysterectomy if needed. You shouldn’t have to suffer so much.

My DH wouldn’t even consider going

I get what he is doing isn't right, having said that you're also in the marriage because of the help and support he gives you so how are you planning to live alone if you leave?

You might as well manage your expectations, you're only with him for the support he give you with your condition. It sounds like a transactional relationship so accept it for what it is.

He won’t look after his unwell wife over Xmas?
He is happy to be away from his young kids at this time?
He has selfish parents who don’t think about their kids’ finances or family health when planning a big event?

OP I am sorry. He sounds awful x

When I was a teen one of my aunts/uncles got married somewhere abroad and fancy. My parents couldn't afford for all of us to go so none of us went, they wished them a happy wedding and we went to their BBQ at their house after they returned.

I've had mates with hen dos I couldn't afford to go on abroad so I've just done the home hen bit with a local night out.

It's OK to say no.

But all that aside, you are unwell and we all know that Christmas gets busy and overwhelming with kids - concerts, parties, trying to please everyone, decorate, stay jolly even if you're finding it challenging. I think that's where it feels really unfair in your particular circumstances.

My DH would never because his Dad was absent from his life and his mum hates travelling. My Dad wanted all the family on a trip abroad for his big birthday a year ago and the price would've made it impossible for me and one of my siblings to take our whole families. My Dad paid for the travel and accommodation to ensure that we could all be there. We paid for meals out, arranged surprises and treats on the holiday but he financed us all being able to be there.

You don't know what to do about this holiday? Your wife n kids need you. Your dad and brother want you to go on a lovely trip. Ask yourself what a decent man would do, then decide who you want to be.

I'm so sorry you are so unwell with endo -my sister suffered awfully with it before menopause.

I think my family is probably unusual in as much as we keep very loose reins on each other, are quite light touch about holidays such as Christmas and thus probably wouldn't think twice about one of us taking time out to travel in your DP's case. In 2½ decades, DP and I have often holidayed separately abroad and in the UK, with and without the DC. To us, this is what love and care also looks like -giving each other the space to have time to ourselves, apart.

We also recognise the value and importance of each other's 'first families' and give time and energy to maintaining relationships with siblings and parents.

Our DC don't think it's odd if one of us is away, and they wouldn't think it was especially odd even if it was Christmas.

If one of us was unwell (this has happened), capacity to access pain-management and support would be front and centre of decision making about the trip though, eg could you manage if all shopping was brought in, meals prepared for the week, someone came to check on you daily to help with chores and tasks, mobility needs covered, pets' needs managed through cattery / dog-walker etc.

I hope you are able to get help for the pain, I know it's terrible and overwhelming.

£6000 is a steep price to pay for a week off parenting for OP.

Of course your husband should simply say, "look Dad we'd love to but Mrshermitt isn't able to come and we're not going without her and besides we can't really afford it". It sounds like he is set on it though - maybe suggest he gets a second job to fund it?

He should have taken the kids so you could have used the 7 days to rest without the hassels of family life

Are you mad? Leaving the OP on her own, when she is obviously very unwell, with three kids at Christmas is the height of selfishness. And then there's the money aspect too. Partners and children should always come first under these circumstances.

How did your seriously unwell husband cope with the children you left with him? Perhaps he could give the OP some pointers and advice. This would be so helpful for her.

OP it appears that neither DH nor any of his family have any respect for you or empathy for your debilitating illness.

I mean FGS whatever about celebrating a milestone birthday abroad, but to go at Christmas, leaving you and kids alone at that time is the height of disrespect and selfishness. You must feel so unloved and abandoned at every turn.

Separate now or as soon as you are able, and preferably before this so called holiday. I know it's very hard, and it might feel easier to just put up with all the shit, but for the sake of your health, wellbeing, self respect and your children, the time is now. I see you have considered separating before, and it can take a few tries to actually leave and get things sorted.

Find an ally somewhere and talk it through with them, get fired up and say "Nope, I'm not putting up with this shit anymore" and you might find that you feel empowered and better in yourself and can cope better with the illness.

Best of luck, and get going on the separation. Today.

Would you go if the situation was reversed OP? I suspect the answer would be no? I also would not go. You ABU for telling him he should go, but frankly he should know he should not go at Xmas and given ur health. Just hold in your mind is this a relationship of mutual support or is it actually one way?

Ultimatum time, but that fact he wants to go, knowing how bad things are for you, is surely enough to understand this relationship has run its course. Let alone selfishly wanting to spend $1.5k so he could holiday, when you simply can't afford it.

You need to start making plans. If you there's finances enough for you to move closer to your own family once you separate/divorce from him? And if he does go, reach out to your own family for December - either for them to visit or you go there.