AIBU? DH and family holiday

Have you asked your DH what arrangements he’s making for support for you and the kids while he’s away? Put it in him!

If you were only together so that he could care for you then it sounds like you've both already checked out of the relationship and it should have been over a long time ago.

Depends on the illness but I wouldn't have an issue with my husband going.

They’ve already booked it! DH is adding himself on. But I am done this is the end for me.

I feel sorry for the in-laws. If it were .me I'd never again tell my family my holiday plans . Stress on them when they've planned a special birthday holiday. There's no way any one would be added to my booking.

So your husband is happy to leave 3 young children over Christmas? I’d be telling him if he goes not to bother coming back.

Unless there's some huge backstory like actually your 3 kids are adults who are likely to be at their parteners' places for Christmas, DH should want to be with his wife and kids.

My mother-in-law was like you and my sister feels the same and that's fine. We're all different. After 58 years of marriage my husband and I barely notice our birthdays nowadays and just try to enjoy life all year round. I still think OP's parents-in-law were insensitive to book an expensive family celebration so far away at Christmas in the circumstances.

I think it’s absolutely fine for partners to go on holiday with their family or friends without their partners and even DC.

But only if they can also afford to go away with the family at a different time.

This situation is different because money is so tight and that money can be used for a family holiday instead.

I love that, 80 is a great age. Not everyone is a birthday person and that's ok. Personally I love a birthday, I love celebrating life, I love all the good things about it. It's an extra year they've got to love and celebrate you and after you are gone it's going to be your funeral, and then mourning you every year isn't it. I'd wanna celebrate the milestones too.

Why is it pandering? She said he desperately wants to go?

I’d have said go but you have to take the kids.

My husband can't travel due to poor health at the moment but I know if I had a chance to go away he would be encouraging me to go as he knows how hard caring responsibilities are and he hates the thought that I am missing out because of him. On the flip side there isnt a chance I would go without the kids or leave him alone over Christmas. So I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. You for not recognising he might need a holiday and him for not recognising this is a crap time of year to be on your own. Perhaps a little more care of each other would be the answer.

I was 80 earlier this year and only celebrated it because my children insisted and arranged something in lieu of a present as I really don't need more things at my age. I genuinely can't understand this obsession with birthdays, particularly if celebrating it at other people's expense in far-flung places. OP is unwell, in pain, cannot work and rarely even leaves the house. Her PiL know this, yet they've arrange a birthday celebration an ocean away at Christmas. I know who I think is in the wrong and it isn't the OP.

Can you go to your families for Christmas?
do you ever take your kids away with your illness. I think I’d let my husband and kids go this once. I have endo myself but only stage 1 but my friend has stage 4 and basically never does anything. With her kids due to being jn agony etc and won’t let her partner do bits with the kids either. If this is similar to you then let them go and have fun . One Christmas won’t hurt anyone. Ask your kids what they want.

£1.5k pp sounds really cheap for the Caribbean over Christmas

Personally I would go to him now and say you have been thinking

you are amazed that he thinks it’s acceptable he should even consider going g bearing in mind you can’t afford for even him to go on his own and that he would leave his children over Christmas and leave you to manage everything bearing in mind your illness

so he has a choice he tells them he is not going as he wants to be with his family over Christmas and he can’t afford to come (and no sulking when they all go) or he goes and in the meantime you will
look at separation and he can go and live with his parents whilst a divorce is sorted

he should not have even had to consider going

OP - They’ve already booked it! DH is adding himself on. But I am done this is the end for me.

Will people please realise that the in-laws did not invite the husband.

You would leave your sick dh in charge of your 3 children knowing he could not manage at Christmas just to pander to your parents?

Absolutely no way would my DH do something like this.

My XH would have gone - one of the many reasons he is now an X.

Sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree in terms of selfishness. Who arranges a birthday that requires attendees to spend thousands of pounds ? Totally self indulgent. Is it even a big birthday? My aunt turned 100 and she just threw an evening party all paid for by her and told people not to bring presents .

Unfair?? He is sixty not six!

Who leaves their sick wife and three young children at Christmas just for an adult birthday trip they can do at any time? What kind of grandparents are they to encourage this in the first place, it is disgraceful.

I hope op can find the strength to assert her own needs, and advocate for her children whom are likely to feel confused and abandoned on Christmas Day. I hope she can hold her own line in the sand here, and that she has some real life support.

I personally wouldn't want to be away from my DC at Christmas. I also wouldn't mind if DH wanted to go away with his parents instead of spend it at home with us.

60 is not old, but you don't know the level of health. I know I lost every single grandparent I had plus a spare one between the ages of 40-69. I'm 35 and they are all gone. My parents are in their mid-late 50s and not in great health themselves tbh. If they wanted a big family trip somewhere I'd try my hardest to be there too, of course I would.

Doesn't matter that I have children of my own, they are my parents and I am their child. If I couldn't for reasons of sickness then ofc I'd be gutted, but I wouldn't stop others around me going.

I'm huge on birthdays in all honesty. Everyone gets one day a year, and the big birthdays do matter, and actually as you get older, the decade birthdays absolutely do count!

Can't believe his family would organise this at Christmas time. So asking their son to leave his sick wife and their grandkids alone at Christmas. Selfish twats . No way would most families do this . WTF is wrong with them .

Sorry? he's going on holiday, at his parents encouragement, over Christmas, and leaving his three kids at home, under the care of their very ill mother.

He's just choosing to completely miss Christmas with his children? What the fuck are his parents doing even suggesting or encouraging that. And what an absolute scumbag of a father.

That would be the absolute end for me.