AIBU? DH and family holiday

My DH would not go.
I would expect the parents to pay to be honest if they want everyone there!!! Wonder where your husband gets his selfish streak from …

It would have been reasonable for your PIL to offer to pay for you and your DH at the least imo. My parents would never expect us to pay / go on such an expensive trip without them contributing and neither would dhs’ parents.

I’m sorry you are unwell and I hope you feel better soon. I hope he makes up for this whatever that looks like for you xxxxx

No. I’m a cancer patient. Time is short. Money shorter. No chance my DH would go.

I think you need an alternative Christmas plan for if he does go - can you travel to your family/ can they come to you / are there friends you might invite?

He shouldn't be going. It's one thing if you have to be at work on Christmas day or are travelling for a funeral or similar but he should be at home with his children.

Is this an air dirty laundry around your friendship groups and get some of them to talk sense to your husband situation?

Separately worth telling your children's school about your health situation and asking them to include your children in their young carers activities.

Not only is your DH a knob but so are your PIL. They absolutely should not be facilitating him effing off and abandoning you with the kids at Christmas, even if you were fighting fit. Unless you are a high earning couple I also don't understand in what world PILs think it is ok to plan a holiday that costs you £7.5K. The only time my parents asked us to join them on holiday they paid for it. If they had wanted us to come and needed us to contribute I know time, place and budget would have been negotiated, not imposed.

No, my husband wouldn’t consider doing this even if I was fighting fit. Since you are ill, yours should be taking care of things at home.

I’ve just read the first page of comments but omg I cannot imagine being away from your 3 young children on Christmas Day (!!) just so you can go on holiday for your dad’s birthday. Absolute nuts to me. And I love my parents and siblings and spending time with them!

I would be pissed off with my DH if he even considered going and I’m really reasonable and fair.

Would you go if the roles were reversed?
the reasons why you wouldn’t are the reasons he shouldn’t b e considering this.

If my OH went on holiday instead of spending Christmas with our kids he'd be coming home to the locks changed and all his stuff in the garden, and thats without taking ill health into consideration. Your DH sounds like a selfish prick.

Absolutely, that’s why he’s now an ex-husband. Left me collapsed on the bathroom floor slipping in and out of consciousness so he could go back to bed and not be too tired for work the next day. When I could barely open my eyes or see he left me to get our son to school. When I had concussion he left me to look after both children and disappeared to Switzerland. I’m sure there were other times too.

Did he not fancy taking his three kids? Selfish twat.

And leave OP at home alone and unwell? Just as bad an option IMO. I say LTB!

His priorities are not compatible with yours.
He needs to be with you and his kids

I have had similar issues with DP where he has wanted to go on family trips that I can’t go on (due to having a newborn, debilitating illness etc) and he can’t seem to logically compare and weigh up the obligation he feels from his family to attend these things with the support I need at that time. He just doesn’t seem to be able to see and hold both issues in his mind and understand which is more of a priority. He would also just completely ignore that he couldn’t afford something and would get into debt to keep other people happy. For him, a lot of these seems to be normalised pressure/expectations in his family’s culture which is different to mine.

After having been completely abandoned during labour with our first child so he could run an errand for a family member (yes this was nearly the end of the relationship), and a few similar but less serious incidents, I have started completely putting my foot down and preventing him from doing things that would leave me in a vulnerable position like that again, rather than hoping he makes the ‘right’ decision and then being seething and resentful when he doesn’t. He is able to understand in hindsight that the right decision for our family is not to attend these things but he just seems unable to say no to his family in the moment no matter how much I’ve tried to explain the situation and consequences rationally. So I’ve had to step in to make the decision that allows me and our child to be safe and cared for, and doesn’t result in separation.

If he goes you need to make sure he uses his own personal money/credit card/loan and not joint finances so the family isn’t negatively impacted.

Yes my H would have done this but thankfully hes now my ExH. These selfish men 🤦🏻‍♀️ awful

True true 👍

My DH would not dream of leaving me on my own at Xmas if we couldn’t all go. Not in a million years

My husband has a son, I have no children, and he wouldn’t do this! His friends want to go abroad this year and he isn’t doing that either because at the moment our money is committed to another project we have going on at home.

Right here he is showing you who he really is!

I feel sorry for people who get fobbed off and not taken seriously. How on earth does that make me a victim? Neither am I a drug user 🤣

You've got your experience of working there and I've got my experience of helping people who are suffering with their health and seeing the hell they often go through to get any help. So no you can't tell me that I'm lying.

There's also nothing respectful about your post whatsoever.

I think it is awful that this holiday was arranged over the xmas period when children are young. There is only for a short few years. Knowing a) he be missing santa b) how sick you are is shocking.

Put yourself and your children first and forget about this horrible man.

Because the OP has already left once and come back because she couldn’t cope. Not because she loved him or wanted the marriage to work. Because she needed him for practical reasons. I’d be telling my DBro straight that he deserves better than staying in a marriage where his partner doesn’t love him.

Obviously, it’s his call if he wants to go. He is looking for a get out of jail free card by asking ‘permission’. Either way, it’s pathetic and shows where his priorities lie. This would be divorce territory for me for so very many reasons.

Yes. Aside from the fact that it's ridiculously expensive how shitty of DH to even consider going without you all. How sad for your children.

You all go or no one goes imo I struggle to comprehend how the rest of DH family would consider the suggestion ok too.

On another note tho might you be feeling better by Christmas ? Such a shame if you won't be on top form (with or without your DH).

X

But even if they paid for them all the OP doesn't want to go and does not want her husband to go..

I'd be keen to understand the time line more. Because 'big' holidays don't happen overnight. She's been sick for 4 months now, she and her husband have already broken up and she brang him back as she can't cope without* him but now wants to break up again because in another 4 months hes debating going on holiday. But they went away 2 months ago and also she manages just fine when he's not there.

Something just isn't adding up for me here.

As someone who works front line for the NHS, could I respectfully tell you you are outright lying. Really, really sick and tired of professional victims like you. Also, we can see through people who are drug seeking.