AIBU? DH and family holiday

I can understand that he might miss out on a one off trip with his family and that must be hard. But there are priorities here, and even for whatever reason that isn’t you ( which is a real shame) his children are still young and I think it’s bizarre that he would go to the Caribbean without his young family in these circumstances. You are the mother of his children even if the separation is on the cards you are still married and living together. But I do agree with others that have said don’t tell
him to go if you don’t want him to. Let him figure this out on his own, like you will have to.

I hope you have some good support groups for the Endo pain and the GP is supporting you. Sending love and strength x

What a dreadful family and h.

I really feel for you. Can you move closer to your family?

It’s entirely up to your FIL to do what he likes for his birthday but it’s a bit shitty of him to want his family to come on an expensive holiday when a) he knows you wouldn’t be able to and b) you guys can’t afford it!
He could have had a party and then gone on his Caribbean holiday!
I think your husband is going on and on about the holiday and umming and ahhing because he wants you to just snap and tell him to bloody go because then he’s got a get out of jail free card that he can use against you!
I get that he wants to celebrate with his family but not to the detriment of his actual wife and children. That’s shitty behaviour.

I think the issue with this illness is there is no real end date so a bit like do you put your life on hold forever? I get the Op is struggling and my heart goes out to her but she has expressed she doesn't like nor Im assuming love her husband she is merely needing his help. I think it would be a situation where maybe some compromise would help.

No, 100% my dh would not go.

1. you’re ill
2. he wouldn’t go on a family holiday without his immediate family
3. he wouldn’t be away from his kids and wife on Christmas Day.
4. he definitely wouldn’t take the kids and leave me at home.

in fact I just asked my dh, he said ‘No and who is going look after you ?’.

My husband probably would but him and his family are strangely insular and his mum is chronically manipulative. He missed my 40th to go away with his mum and sister so this wouldn't surprise me from him. I do know it's uncharacteristic of most normal rational families though!

DH and I go on holiday separately on the regular but there's no way he'd go on this one given the circumstances!

this I can't imagine being in that much pain all the time.

that sound really hard on you both. are you booked in for surgery or some kind of relief soon. I would send him and the kids if possible and just rest it would probably do you good. Im so sorry youve had such an aweful time.

He's only there due to the fact she is ill. She doesn't actually want him there because she loves him, just do he cares and provides for her .

Tbh if I had a spouse that was using me like like I'd walk awat

Could he not go and fly back early eg Xmas eve?

Might cost a bit more but he'd still have 5 nights there.

That way he gets his holiday, you can have Christmas together with kids

Although if you had split up you might be facing Christmas alone anyway...

considering you're due to separate, I’d send him off with the eldest two kids or which ever two are the hardest work. Plan a lovely Christmas with tons of sit down crafts, movies, close family

It's Christmas and they're small children!

And she's in considerable pain

Considering the updates I think your husband sounds like a saint and I don't blame him for going. You're not even together and he's stayed to fully financially support you and care for you.

Wow you're in the wrong job

Agree with this

If it's true that hysterectomy is the end of the line for endometriosis, then shouldn't you be pushing for this OP? So that you can get back on your feet, back to work, and set both you and your husband free from a truly miserable marriage.

He is clearly very selfish.....you and the kids are his main family now and should take priority.Especially considering the time of year being christmas, AND the fact you have a medical condition, he should absolutely not even be considering it- should be everyone goes or nobody goes.
His parents don't sound much better either, organising a holiday they must know you can't afford, and encouraging w him to leave his family over xmas.

DH wouldn’t have missed a Christmas while we had children at home unless it was something totally unexpected such as illness.

i can’t imagine DH leaving me to spend Christmas with his family either.

however I can understand that “saying” in August you are too ill to attend a December function might seem a tad “off” to your in-laws, an excuse to avoid attending etc, and while economics is also an acceptable reason not to attend, they (and your DH) probably thinks it will all be ok by December..

surely your DH is aware of the state of family finances? Why didn’t he speak up initially when the idea was first broached? If he feels there’s enough funds, why doesn’t he take the DC with him and let you rest?

where’s your GP and treatment plan in all of this? Are you booked in for a procedure? Have you discussed this with family members so everyone knows this is happening for you…

What would you do if the tables were turned - he's in pain all day every day, you work the hours he does, 3 young children, your parents are doing the big holiday, your sister is going - what would you do if DH couldn't go?

I'm not sticking up for him by any means btw! It's all down to the sort of person you are x

I think your husband should leave you. It sounds almost abusive the way you're describing the. Relationship, and it doesn't actually make sense what you're saying, it appears that your weaponizing your sickness. There's no reason why one Christmas his dad is 60. Once your kids, kids will have many christmases. You didn't need to make it this emotionally loaded, but it just sounds like you're emotionally manipulative, and this is another way, if you do it, this is the most bizarre thing I've ever read. But even if you're so your sick now, but you're saying you're so sick that you know, you're gonna be sick at closeness, and in the 4 months, there's no way that anyone can help you arrange childcare and you couldn't have had a conversation about that if you couldn't afford to go. That's fine. They're not your parents that the 60th birthday is a big birthday and go on a broadest, fine too. Turn, it would be nice for the kids, but there's no money, and that's it.Really.I was hate for someone to try and control me in that way, and when they couldn't get me to not do something, they just tried to use emotional manipulation instead.

He’s deprioritising his kids too and I can blame him for that 24 hours a day 7 hours a week.

Sorry not related to what you're asking but a family member had this condition and had several hormone injections in her abdomen over a period of 2 months and has greatly improved! It might be necessary to go private as the NHS seems to be unable to fund all treatments quickly currently. Good luck.

I don’t think it’s fair that he can’t go because of your illness that could effectively put his life on hold for years. His family are right to make plans to go too, and I’m saying this as someone with health issues.

I think the only issue is the cost of your can’t afford it.

I think this man sounds uncaring but I also feel it’s up to his parents if they want to celebrate abroad. It’s his 60th so good on him.

OPs husband should have given a firm no and said he can’t possibly leave his unwell wife.

The reason why his family kept asking is probably because he was saying “maybe”.

I also suspect he wouldn’t mind if Op left sadly. I mean we all know men have a terrible record of supporting and sticking with their wives if they fall ill. Obviously some are great in times of sickness, but he doesn’t sound like he’s one of those.