AIBU? DH and family holiday

What is the issue?

They can’t afford to all go, his wife isn’t well enough to go, he wants to to leave his three young children over Christmas…
Those are the issues.

It's Christmas and they're small children!

And she's in considerable pain

Do you know whether she has inquired about this?

It's the NHS, even when she gets told it's needed, it will be months to years of a waiting list.

This post nails it OP, and @TigersAndToucs post earlier. I’m also sure they are both hard to read, much less dwell on and deeply think about what they are saying and what that means for you, your marriage and future.

im sorry you are suffering with endo and that sounds like it it is all encompassing you at the moment. I’m sorry, it’s unfair and especially with young kids. I bet this wasn’t how you thought life would be. You sound fed up and angry, very very angry and incredibly resentful. That sounds exhausting and a terrible way for you to be around your family, and children. But I wonder if it’s about the illness and everything happening to you rather than your husbands specific actions about a week in December?

You seem to have effectively made your DH your carer, whether he wants to or not and @MadMadaMim has made some really important points in a very thoughtful helpful post about developing independence which has to be a priority for you.

As opposed to others on this thread saying their DH wouldn’t do this, their relationships will be based on trust, love and respect. Partnerships. Your marriage is not that.

Your marriage is dead. Does your DH know that you came back to him solely so he would care for you? Is he accepting of that? It is not a way to live long term and fair to no one, not you, him, or especially your children if not what he wants.

Whilst he is on his holiday, maybe he can come back to you two being separated and use the time from now until then to arrange that. See what benefits you are entitled to, how will 50:50 work, have you applied for PIP? His family may well see that your marriage is dead and he is burning out from caring and being the breadwinner, so they are encouraging a break. It doesn’t sound like your family holiday was that for him. He deserves a break. And so do you, from the huge resentment of your life you are carrying. You need to change this up to be able to move forward. 💐

But it’s just one Christmas, and they are going to spend the rest of their childhoods splitting between each parent. This wider family holiday for DH is just the first one. This one Christmas and the DC is a teeny tiny immediate small thing, it’s a distraction to what’s the real issue and cause here. Not a selfish shitty Dad and wider family, but a zombie relationship dragging everything and everyone down into its misery. Time to change that up for everyone’s sake, and particularly for the DC.

You’ve not considered the children at all in this post.
The fact he’s willing to go on holiday rather than spend Christmas with his young children is what most people have an issue with.
It’s selfish and the other issues surrounding this situation are just white noise.

He needs to grow up and be a proper parent to his children. He's spending money he doesn't have to go on a jolly with his dad, when his own children will be without him at Christmas, and when his wife clearly will struggle to cope. He's a disgrace.

It's his dad's 60th.
His whole family is going away to celebrate.
As a family, you can't afford to all go.
You don't want to go.
He desperately wants to go.
You think his family are inconsiderate for booking a holiday because your health is not up to it.
You think he's selfish for not wanting to celebrate his father's milestone birthday.

Honestly, you sound entitled. Others' plans shouldn't have to be based on one person's requirements alone. You clearly can go on holiday as you've just been on one a few months ago. You have family an hour away.

What is the issue? Like actually?

You have plenty of time to make arrangements. You're not working. Go and stay with your family for Christmas. Arrange for someone to come and pick you up. Or ask family to come to you and help you host

It's 7 days. If you're able to think about leaving him - that's way more days to do it alone .

Honestly, I'm reading this as a person who's struggling at the moment and a bit sad and frustrated who hasn't yet accepted their medical condition BUT wants everyone around them to feel that way too, inadvertently.

Another option would be for him to go with the children and you stay at home . But as you say he'd starve and live in a pit without you, that may not be practical

IMO your view is clouded by the already existing animosity , resentment and dislike of your DH and his family.

I hope you get some resolution with endo. It is a horrible, misunderstood debilitating condition. And it makes people cranky, can cause mental health illness and gets little empathy from others. How we manage that is our choice. How we decide to live with that is our choice.

This post nails it OP, and @TigersAndToucs post earlier. I’m also sure they are both hard to read, much less dwell on and deeply think about what they are saying and what that means for you, your marriage and future.

im sorry you are suffering with endo and that sounds like it it is all encompassing you at the moment. I’m sorry, it’s unfair and especially with young kids. I bet this wasn’t how you thought life would be. You sound fed up and angry, very very angry and incredibly resentful. That sounds exhausting and a terrible way for you to be around your family, and children. But I wonder if it’s about the illness and everything happening to you rather than your husbands specific actions about a week in December?

You seem to have effectively made your DH your carer, whether he wants to or not and @MadMadaMim has made some really important points in a very thoughtful helpful post about developing independence which has to be a priority for you.

As opposed to others on this thread saying their DH wouldn’t do this, their relationships will be based on trust, love and respect. Partnerships. Your marriage is not that.

Your marriage is dead. Does your DH know that you came back to him solely so he would care for you? Is he accepting of that? It is not a way to live long term and fair to no one, not you, him, or especially your children if not what he wants.

Whilst he is on his holiday, maybe he can come back to you two being separated and use the time from now until then to arrange that. See what benefits you are entitled to, how will 50:50 work, have you applied for PIP? His family may well see that your marriage is dead and he is burning out from caring and being the breadwinner, so they are encouraging a break. It doesn’t sound like your family holiday was that for him. He deserves a break. And so do you, from the huge resentment of your life you are carrying. You need to change this up to be able to move forward. 💐

It's his dad's 60th.
His whole family is going away to celebrate.
As a family, you can't afford to all go.
You don't want to go.
He desperately wants to go.
You think his family are inconsiderate for booking a holiday because your health is not up to it.
You think he's selfish for not wanting to celebrate his father's milestone birthday.

Honestly, you sound entitled. Others' plans shouldn't have to be based on one person's requirements alone. You clearly can go on holiday as you've just been on one a few months ago. You have family an hour away.

What is the issue? Like actually?

You have plenty of time to make arrangements. You're not working. Go and stay with your family for Christmas. Arrange for someone to come and pick you up. Or ask family to come to you and help you host

It's 7 days. If you're able to think about leaving him - that's way more days to do it alone .

Honestly, I'm reading this as a person who's struggling at the moment and a bit sad and frustrated who hasn't yet accepted their medical condition BUT wants everyone around them to feel that way too, inadvertently.

Another option would be for him to go with the children and you stay at home . But as you say he'd starve and live in a pit without you, that may not be practical

IMO your view is clouded by the already existing animosity , resentment and dislike of your DH and his family.

I hope you get some resolution with endo. It is a horrible, misunderstood debilitating condition. And it makes people cranky, can cause mental health illness and gets little empathy from others. How we manage that is our choice. How we decide to live with that is our choice.

If it's true that hysterectomy is the end of the line for endometriosis, then shouldn't you be pushing for this OP? So that you can get back on your feet, back to work, and set both you and your husband free from a truly miserable marriage.

I think your husband should leave you. It sounds almost abusive the way you're describing the. Relationship, and it doesn't actually make sense what you're saying, it appears that your weaponizing your sickness. There's no reason why one Christmas his dad is 60. Once your kids, kids will have many christmases. You didn't need to make it this emotionally loaded, but it just sounds like you're emotionally manipulative, and this is another way, if you do it, this is the most bizarre thing I've ever read. But even if you're so your sick now, but you're saying you're so sick that you know, you're gonna be sick at closeness, and in the 4 months, there's no way that anyone can help you arrange childcare and you couldn't have had a conversation about that if you couldn't afford to go. That's fine. They're not your parents that the 60th birthday is a big birthday and go on a broadest, fine too. Turn, it would be nice for the kids, but there's no money, and that's it.Really.I was hate for someone to try and control me in that way, and when they couldn't get me to not do something, they just tried to use emotional manipulation instead.

I think your husband should leave you. It sounds almost abusive the way you're describing the. Relationship, and it doesn't actually make sense what you're saying, it appears that your weaponizing your sickness. There's no reason why one Christmas his dad is 60. Once your kids, kids will have many christmases. You didn't need to make it this emotionally loaded, but it just sounds like you're emotionally manipulative, and this is another way, if you do it, this is the most bizarre thing I've ever read. But even if you're so your sick now, but you're saying you're so sick that you know, you're gonna be sick at closeness, and in the 4 months, there's no way that anyone can help you arrange childcare and you couldn't have had a conversation about that if you couldn't afford to go. That's fine. They're not your parents that the 60th birthday is a big birthday and go on a broadest, fine too. Turn, it would be nice for the kids, but there's no money, and that's it.Really.I was hate for someone to try and control me in that way, and when they couldn't get me to not do something, they just tried to use emotional manipulation instead.

To be fair with the poster you quoted, this was my understanding of your previous post as well, that you only went back with him because you needed him to care for you and/or earn money as you couldn’t work yourself. On this basis, I can’t really blame him for prioritising himself even if it meant leaving you behind.

It's his dad's 60th.
His whole family is going away to celebrate.
As a family, you can't afford to all go.
You don't want to go.
He desperately wants to go.
You think his family are inconsiderate for booking a holiday because your health is not up to it.
You think he's selfish for not wanting to celebrate his father's milestone birthday.

Honestly, you sound entitled. Others' plans shouldn't have to be based on one person's requirements alone. You clearly can go on holiday as you've just been on one a few months ago. You have family an hour away.

What is the issue? Like actually?

You have plenty of time to make arrangements. You're not working. Go and stay with your family for Christmas. Arrange for someone to come and pick you up. Or ask family to come to you and help you host

It's 7 days. If you're able to think about leaving him - that's way more days to do it alone .

Honestly, I'm reading this as a person who's struggling at the moment and a bit sad and frustrated who hasn't yet accepted their medical condition BUT wants everyone around them to feel that way too, inadvertently.

Another option would be for him to go with the children and you stay at home . But as you say he'd starve and live in a pit without you, that may not be practical

IMO your view is clouded by the already existing animosity , resentment and dislike of your DH and his family.

I hope you get some resolution with endo. It is a horrible, misunderstood debilitating condition. And it makes people cranky, can cause mental health illness and gets little empathy from others. How we manage that is our choice. How we decide to live with that is our choice.

I'm sure, in the end, it will cost more than that. Food, drink, gift for dear old Dad...who knows what else. If it's an AI, this sounds cheap when you add in travel costs. I suppose they could have gotten a great deal on air fare.

OP - They’ve already booked it! DH is adding himself on. But I am done this is the end for me.

Will people please realise that the in-laws did not invite the husband.

I’d have said go but you have to take the kids.

£1.5k pp sounds really cheap for the Caribbean over Christmas

No the big 60 🙄

for Christmas Day? You seriously think any parent would see missing Christmas with their kids as a break?

So he's fucking off for a hoilday over christmas while his 3 kids and unwell wife stay at home? Thats grounds for divorce.