AIBU? DH and family holiday

The trouble is now you’ve told him to go, if you ever complain about it again he’ll just throw it back at you.

Your husband is an arsehole. You aren't well enough to look after your children but he is going to leave you to cope over Christmas.

Do you have anyone in your family who could help you with the children while he is away? I certainly wouldn't be welcoming him back. He sounds very selfish and childish. Do his parents know how ill you are?

If he's even considering it, then is the marriage worth hanging on to? Sounds like the IL's don't give a shit about you either.

It sounds like this isn’t the first time that DH has done something like this?
Neither of us would do this to the other but tbh neither of our parents would put us in this position either!

I have no idea what your relationship with the wider family is like but there is no way that your DH's family should be arranging a holiday over Christmas and asking everyone to attend at that kind of cost. Fine if FIL wants to celebrate, fine if they wish to extend the invitation to the whole family, but absolutely not fine to do it over Christmas at that kind of cost. What kind of holiday is this - I assume skiing or something similar?

If your DH does go ahead with this, I would definitely try and have you and the kids spend Christmas with (your?) family elsewhere? I also would do only the minimum of preparation for the season - whatever your children will miss if it's not done. Otherwise I would absolutely refuse to do anything else - certainly no card sending, extra cleaning, gifts for his family, definitely no gifts for him!

Of course he wouldn't go, cos he's not an arsehole. Let him go but tell him not to expect to come home afterwards.

Nope!! He might want to go (though I doubt it). But definitely wouldn’t spend money we didn’t have, over Christmas, and leave me to struggle.

But you've given him a green light. Just effing go is still a go. Now he can say well you told me to go so I went.

Absolutely! Don’t give him your blessing! He’s just worn you down to the point where you don’t have the energy to stand up for yourself anymore.

He was definitely nagging for that answer / reaction OP

Awful. Sorry.

Be very selfish now, everything that's best for you...even if that's staying but dropping all ropes 💐💐💐

My husband would not consider it, and neither should yours.

I would make it clear that if he makes that choice the relationship is over.

So DH is happy to spend Christmas away from his DC so he gets this holiday?

I agree with PP, I would tell him not to bother coming back.

My dh wouldn’t do it and neither would I but.. its a horrible feeling to really want to do something a miss out due to reasons beyond your control. Are the in-laws dead set on a Christmas holiday, they may change their mind once it’s explained the kids won’t be there. Surely there is a compromise somewhere

Of course he wouldn't. If he was that sort of man he wouldn't be my husband.

My in laws would not encourage him to do it either and would find him a contemptible worm if he prioritised a holiday with them over his sick wife and 3 children.

I think you are being unreasonable for telling him to go and then attaching meaning to it. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I would have told my husband no. It's Christmas, and you need to be home with me and the kids. Im not well enough to kind mind everyone and make Christmas special. Also, it's a lot of money and we can't afford it. Instead, you told him to go and now are pissed he's going.

Would my husband go. My husband wouldn't even consider it under those circumstances, but even if he did, i wouldn't make it easy for him. Id say no, and he'd have to demonstrate his priorities.

So the OP should have Christmas on her own?

He needs to grow up and be a proper parent to his children. He's spending money he doesn't have to go on a jolly with his dad, when his own children will be without him at Christmas, and when his wife clearly will struggle to cope. He's a disgrace.

Wanting to go is fine however in my opinion going is not. I'm sure in different circumstances most people would like to afford to go and be in the best of health. 7.5k is a lot for a holiday. I think if he insists on going the children go with him and u stay perhaps with a relative- could be a break for u? He should really be shutting the conversation down and saying as a family u can't go and not apportionning blame.

Can his parents help with costs so he could take the children with him?

He's a disgrace...
i'd tell him if he goes not to bother coming back.

I would be telling him not to bother coming back. Yeah its crap to not be able to go if you cant afford things but thats life unfortunately. 7.5k is a lot of money to find and most wouldn't be able to do it.

If he wants to go, he’s a shit dad and husband. Why can’t he say to his dad asking to go away for Christmas but not offering to pay is unreasonable, and could it at least be shifted to being away over new year instead?

opting out of family Christmas with you and the dcs is probably the end of your marriage even if it limps along for a while.