AIBU? DH and family holiday

I don't blame you, I'm so sorry. What is his reasoning for wanting to live his wife and three kids to go away for Christmas?

I’m struggling to think of anything that means she could look after three kids alone for a week, but be too ill to go on a holiday.

Neither DH or the IL's would be so crass if they knew I couldn't come and were aware of the financial situation.

Your DP needs to do the right thing by you.

No way should he leave kids with you. They can go and give you a break (of sorts).

But that's not the case here. The kids are not going on the holiday, they are being left with their mother who is unwell and who, depending on how she feels at the time, may be unable to do any Christmas preparation. She's got the worst of all worlds.

hmmm i think id let this one slide

i dont care about christmas partiularly - and don't see why you couldnt just do "christmas day" a different day tbh

what difference does it make really

it's a once off and his dads birthday so i think fair enough he goes - too expensive for everyone to go

I went abroad for sisters wedding alone and left husband with kids for a week cus it made more sense

Very much depends on the individual.
It wouldn't bother me in the slightest and I have never been a fan of Christmas.
I would be happy for my partner to go with kids

Ahh, just seen your update about the marriage basically being dead anyways.

In that case, I wonder if it is better to start looking at building your own support network without him (i.e. move closer to family, if possible). I am sorry, that sounds like you are in a tough situation with no easy solutions.

Sometimes you cant do what you want to do when you have kids. It’s so disappointing for your DH to make this decision, especially as you’re not well either! It’s never too late to tell someone how you really feel, please consider doing this OP rather than stewing indefinitely about this.

massive eye roll

I'd need wider context first like ages of children, ages of parents, significance of Christmas holiday, pattern of illness before i could answer your question for my situation.

Sounds like he's worn you down and you've just made it easier for him to do what he was always going to do anyway.

I'm so sorry he's behaving this way @Mrshermitt I think you do need to figure out how you can split up.

Tell him he is an adult. Adults have choices.

It is up to him to weigh the needs of his kids at Christmas, his parent's wishes, your health and wellbeing, with his own wants and desires.

The natural consequences of his actions are his to bear.

I wouldn't be telling him to go, giving him the green light - even if it is out of frustration.

I think he was saying ‘I don’t know what to do’ because he knows exactly what he needs to do but doesn’t want to do it. If you don’t say go, he will blame you for taking this opportunity away from him etc, if you do let him go but aren’t dancing with joy about it, he will blame you for that too and say but you told me I could go!
This is his decision. You identify the practical difficulties it will create along with the fact of missing Xmas with the kids and then it’s up to him.
If he goes on to book it, what he does next will be interesting. Does he do anything to try make life easier for you now and when he’ll be away? I suspect he won’t and you will have the full measure of the man. You can then decide what next steps you wish to take. I am sympathetic to his desire to go, but he needs to be a grown up which means putting you and your kids first.

Final question - did your ILs know that you wouldn't be able to travel?

So he wants to be with his dad for Christmas - doesn't he think his own children will want to be with THEIR dad for Christmas?

Why did they pick Christmas week? Its a bit mad given the cost. And you obviously cant afford it. And sick. So basically they new you and the kids would be without your dh for Christmas.
As for him well what father wants to not be with his kids for Christmas!

No way would my husband (or I) consider leaving our kids for a week over Christmas. Terrible of your husband, and in-laws to put you in this position.

Wow. That's a whole new level of selfishness from him.

I'm not sure I'd be able to get past having a husband who wanted to have a jolly over Christmas and leave all the work to someone unwell at home.

Ask him how he will afford it post split when he is paying cms for 3 x dc.

There is zero chance my DH would go and miss Christmas with DS. My in laws wouldn’t dream of asking either.
You bring I’ll makes it even more unreasonable.

My ex-DH would absolutely have done this. (See: ex). Current DP wouldn’t dream of it.

Is your illness mental or physical OP? Either way your DH should not be leaving you all at Christmas.

The holiday is to celebrate a birthday? Is there a particular reason for the significance? Are the rest of his family going - can they all afford it? How big is the group?

Those questions are just because I’m nosy.

Whatever the answers there is no excuse for leaving your ill wife and kids over Christmas.

Genuinely can’t imagine how he’s squared this in his mind as the act of a loving husband or parent.

im trying to imagine the conversation with my colleagues - “Yeah I’m spending Christmas in Barbados with my parents. Shelia and the kids will be at home.”