AIBU? DH and family holiday

Not only would my dh not go, my PIL would never arrange a holiday like that at Christmas knowing I’m too ill to cope.

Last year I was very unwell in the summer - literally housebound and couldn’t walk for three months - and my dh cancelled our summer holiday with PiL in Cornwall even though I said he could take the kids and go without me. He said “No Way - I won’t leave you here suffering and I would be worried about you the entire time.” His parents were totally lovely about it too.

im so sorry op

You'd be better starting a thread in the divorce section and planning your future.

Things like will the house need to be sold, will the loser be parenting his kids 50/50, where will you live?

I would be absolutely gutted to miss out on a trip to the Caribbean but I wouldn’t be able to afford to go - so I’d just have to suck it up and move on.

He can’t afford the trip.

When was the last time he took the DCs on holiday?

I could not spend £1.5k on a holiday without my kids.
I’d use that money to book a family holiday instead.

OP said that in-laws booked their holiday and her husband has added himself on. Note she says himself . He sees his life as just himself to consider.

In-laws have complete autonomy to holiday when they please. Very unfair for posters to blame in-laws for the Christmas booking. However they can be blamed for encouraging their son to go. He wasn't included in the original booking so that's to the in-laws credit.

Goodness knows what the husband has told his parents to justify going. It's a tale that they clearly believe.

OP has a family an hour away IMO that's not far at all for them to support her through a divorce.

The problem is that when you are chronically ill, and already it is possible you may already feel terribly guilty that you are a burden and a pain - which you most certainly are not, and it really taps into feeling like you are a strain everyone else has to manage. But anyone can become ill or disabled at any time, it can happen to any of us. Your loved ones should want to be there for you, and to fully support you. Especially given you have children, that are still young, your dh is really out of line to even ask this of you.

Horrible man. Who leaves their young kids over Christmas to go running after his daddy. There’s no coming back.

There’s more to this. Nice drip feed that you were nearly separated.

What a useless bastard. A terrible husband and terrible father. Can you afford to get rid?

Selfish selfish selfish man.

unless

it is his father's 100th birthday ?

@Mrshermitt You are damned if you agree and you are damned if you don't, and keep him away from this bloody holiday by asking him explicitly and unreservedly not to go. He's putting the decision making on you - rather than just taking it and owning his own decision and how it looks from the outside - because he's a weak and selfish piece of shit who is putting himself in front of his poorly wife and family, but no doubt paints himself as the devoted husband and father. I hope things get better for you in the future.

I think you are being contrary for the sake of it. Of course primary school aged children care when Christmas Day is.

I would hope not.

i mean it's just a made up day - can receive presnets any time!
what real difference does it make

The marriage is dead - get your ducks in a row and leave before christmas. What a fucking loser he is.

And send this to your in laws as well, and anyone else that is involved.
I have no doubt they have said to dh he needs a break, he looks tired, he is a carer etc. Which might be acceptable if you didn't have young children and it wasn't Christmas!

This!

He is looking for your permission to go, so he doesn't look or feel bad. Do not give it to him op. Tell him and everyone else the truth.

It is disgusting.

My DH absolutely would not go. You are not unreasonable OP! I am cross on your behalf

'I felt coerced and forced into agreeing for you to go away for Christmas, you have been grinding me down day after day .The truth is I can not even imagine how I will cope with the children on my own for a week or how they will feel on Christmas morning without you. I am shocked you have even asked me, you know what our financial position is - and yet you have still put me in this position. If you decide to go ahead with this, then I will be reconsidering our marriage and future. More than ever I need someone that has my and dc backs'

He's angling for you to give him permission because he knows it's totally unreasonable to miss Christmas day with his children and wife. He will harp on till.you do as you've done and say go then and then he'll act like it's all OK, or if you chang your mind he'll b angry.

He knows it's not right to go. Finances don't allow it and nor for your health, its not like its a holiday just after Christmas, he's missing Christmas day. So no it's not reasonable tbh, and you shouldn't make it easy for him tbh, I'd just say "once and for all, w can't afford us all to go and I can't go and don't want to be apart as a family on Christmas day, so I'm saying g now I would rather you didn't go. I'm not going to otherwise. And being resentful isn't going to change things and is very unfair"

A couple of things, firstly you need to address the pain issue. I use a TENs machine which is a incredibly helpful. Mine is 2 channel Medifit one from Amazon. That means 4 pads so 2 at the front where your pain is and back at the base of the spine. This also helps with leg pain if you are experiencing that.

Also your GP can prescribe you pain meds. You have a chronic medical condition and although some pain meds are under the controlled substance category clearly you need something to help you function.

I had to give up my job because of endometriosis and there is no way Dh would have left me to go on a jolly leaving me, in pain, in charge of the children. It is incredibly selfish of your husband to do this.

You need to contact the local council and report yourself as a vulnerable adult. Tell them your dh is moving out soon...
I am a cleaner but very much help manage all areas at home. Some of my customers need extra support..
Some of them have my hours paid for by ss or local authority..

I’m so sorry, he is treating you incredibly badly. He knows it is wrong, that is why he wants you to say he can go.

Truly, don’t do it. Say that on this occasion, he absolutely has to put you and the children ahead of his brother/parents. Say it clearly so that he can absolutely not put it back on you with a feeble ‘but you didn’t SAY you didn’t want me to go’ bullshit.

If you are feeling kind, you could acknowledge his sadness and disappointment at missing out on a holiday. But counter that with how lovely it will be for you to be together at Christmas, AS A FAMILY. The children are at the age where Christmas is just about the most exciting thing there is, and when you are a parent he should be revelling in their joy and excitement.

Your in laws have behaved appalling as well. What on earth were they thinking?? Why not go after or before Christmas week if they absolutely had to? And still I don’t think your husband should go.

Best of luck, keep the courage!

I have a chronic pain condition so you have my sympathy OP.

My DH would absolutely not do this.

I do think though that it's not unreasonable for your FIL to plan it and go at Christmas time, as your FIL's birthday is in December. I don't know if it's a big birthday, but I have a December birthday and have been away to celebrate, including being away for Christmas, my DH and DC enjoyed being away for Christmas somewhere sunny, it was a present for them too.

Your FIL would BU to expect you all to go, but that doesn't really seem the case as they booked regardless.

As your pain has been months, your FIL's probably think it's likely to get better or ease off by Christmas time, and I don't think that's unreasonable of them.

I would not be spending so much on a holiday when a few weeks earlier or later I could stay twice as long for less money.

And someone going on about the same thing is tedious whatever it is.