AIBU? DH and family holiday

And you don't know them either! However, I find it quite extraordinary that any parent would expect their children to fund their own and the grandchildrens' travel and accommodation costs in the Caribbean at the most expensive time of the year simply to celebrate a bloody birthday, when it could be celebrated just as easily and much more cheaply in the UK. A rich seam of selfishness and stupidity obviously runs through the whole family as is evidenced by the fact that they all seem to believe that it's perfectly okay to leave the children and their sick mother to fend for themselves over Christmas.

You don't know him. You don't know his family. What you want and prioritise is different to what others want and prioritise.

Does he fuck! He wants to enjoy a lovely child free holiday that he can't really afford. As a parent and a grandparent the last thing I'd ever expect - or want - is for my children to prioritize my poxy birthday over providing a good Christmas experience for my grandchildren. And I'm sure that the vast majority of grandparents feel exactly the same. Stop making excuses for this poor excuse of a father.

Not a chance would DH do this. Nor would his family even suggest it.

The fact you were talking about some people not having a choice.
You keep comparing this situation to divorced parents. It’s not the same

Whats the relevance to the post you quoted?

But in this case the dad does have a choice. And he is choosing the holiday.

Poor kids shoved to a different household halfway through Xmas day.

It's hardly a sore point for me,unless of course it would've been nice for my kids dad to actually have ever seen them Xmases

I just get amazed by the comments that start " I would never" when I a certain situation. Shit happens, and the " I would never" lot get a rather nasty bump down to reality when they don't have the choice anymore

No guarantees in life and maybe this hit a sore point for you

Those I know who do this go halves - 1 has Christmas Eve & half Christmas Day, the other has half Christmas Day plus Boxing Day

So if you divorced you would leave your current partners to spend Xmas with ex and kids. Yeah right. If if you would you can't guarantee he would. Dream on

Don't plan on getting divorced - but we would co-parent over Christmas if so

So if you got divorced you would never have your kids at Xmas then?

I have read whatever said. You’re using a lot of words to say he wants to celebrate his dad’s 60th. And that he’s entitled to feel that way.

I’m saying so what? In my opinion if he chooses a holiday over Christmas with his children that makes him a shit dad.

No, my DH would never consider not being with his kids at Christmas

I get his Dad’s birthday is December, but surely they could have not included Christmas Day

When he said “I don’t know what to do about this holiday” and you told him
to just f-ing go, I think that was out of sheer frustration

What you need to say is ‘you do know what you should do, you just don’t want to!’

As it is looking like you want to separate, I think you getting treatment to help your health is essential

What is happening with your endometriosis?
Are you on a waiting list for a hysterectomy? Can they at least do a D&C meanwhile?

I’ve rethought my response.

It’s ok for you to leave him, but then decide you need him as a carer (if I’ve read right) but not ok for him to celebrate with his family?

If you did go ahead with the divorce, how would Christmas be split moving forward, alternative years etc? It doesn’t bode well for a happy Christmas for the kids if you don’t want to be with him and will effectively be using him for care and money. My answer would be completely different if you didn’t say you wanted to leave him.

Nonetheless, keep on at your gp for management of your care and a resolution if possible. It doesn’t make for a happy childhood staying together for him being your carer. Resentment will also build on his side.

Endometriosis is notorious for being difficult/ sometimes impossible to treat. And it's also very difficult to treat the pain. For some women, it's like being in active labour for weeks on end.

I haven't commented on what type of father he is. Have some people lost the skill of comprehension? Please read what I've said

Can you get treatment for your condition?

It's not necessarily even a cure. The tissue grows outside the womb, with endometriosis, that's what causes the problem. So removing the womb isn't necessarily a complete cure and doesn't necessarily lead to a cessation of pain, for everyone. It also causes instant menopause especially if the ovaries are removed too, which can come with it's own set of problems and doesn't mean the patient suddenly becomes a man, with no woman hormones that could affect the endometrial tissue. So it's not always as simple as have hysterectomy/ recover/ everything's fine.

Those who say go stay with family, like it's that simple, have you considered that not all families are that close? Maybe the family wouldn't appreciate a sick OP, a 4yr old, 7yr old and 9yr old to look after over Christmas? It's a big ask, especially when from their perspective she's got a husband who ought to be supporting her. OP said she's shuffling round her house on a desk chair some of the time - so she can't even reliably walk around her own home then. How much use is she realistically going to be looking after the DC? (Sorry OP!). It's great if you've a good family who'd all drop everything for each other when needed, but it's not like that in all families.
I've met plenty of people too, who've gone to the doctor's for help with whatever-they've-got and been faced with "frontline medical staff" like the one who posted here, not taking them seriously and treating them like a drug addict looking for extras because they're in pain and asked for some kind of a solution to that.

They are getting divorced she hates him and is using him for his money. As she has said, are you not able to read? I really dislike it when people support abusive posters. Look at how disgustedr. She has something that is deeply deliberating, but it's also something that will affect for rest of her life, and as they're getting divorced, they would be spending christmas separate anyway.This is a deeply manipulative person.It's not right, and people should call it out every time they see it. Also, the women are saying that the kids will be deeply traumatised by their father. Missing one Christmas, they need to examine how they're raising their children. How resilient they are and why they would have such a complete psychological breakdown. From this, there would be something wrong with their children. They would be disappointed, but then there would be another Christmas. It doesn't make sense, they just feel like there's some people that are very controlling, and they hide it behind their children. Like this woman's doing, she just doesn't want him to go.That's it.

Wanting to do something doesn’t mean you can - or should.
They can’t afford it and it means leaving his children at home during Christmas with his wife who is ill.
If he goes on the holiday he’s is a shitty father.

I didn't discuss or comment on what his first choice is or isn't.

I corrected a misunderstood assumption.

Wanting to do one thing does not automatically mean you don't 'want' to do another. It's not that he wants to leaving his children over Christmas - it's that he wants to celebreyhis dad's 60th over Christmas.

Yes, this impacts other things but those things aren't his wants or 'first choice '. They're a result/consequence

He wants to celebrate his dad's 60th.

If he doesn’t want to leave his children over Christmas then there isn’t a decision to be made is there?
His children should come first. By choosing the holiday he’s making it clear that being at home with his young children on Christmas Day isn’t his first choice.

That is very different to choosing to go on holiday.

The point is that when they seperate it's likely both parents will be missing various xmases with the kids