Page 3 | AIBU to keep debating whether to move back nearer my parents- despite very difficult job situation/ new school for DD

seriouslyruminating · 2026-08-27T09:49:15+00:00

Trying to keep this short and would be so grateful for everyone's advice! I lived in the UK for 15 years now (stayed after uni), and have a lovely husband and child. We always meant to move back to my home country but this has not happened for a variety of reasons (Covid hit, job offers falling through, then not finding anything suitable, and now DD being so happy and settled in school, she's 8.) I am however increasingly missing my parents. Job offers in mine and DHs field are very rare in our industries over there as it's quite specialised (I'd want to live near parents as otherwise no point moving there. They're the only reason I want to move back. ). Even if we managed to find a job in the next city it would be a very long commute whereas now, we both work from home and school hours! We do visit them on average every 3 months at least, and try to stay for quite a while when we go. AIBU to think absence makes the heart grow fonder? I do wonder if my feelings would change if we lived nearby. It would be very hard to move but I do feel bad to not be nearer my folks as they get older. I cannot seem to be able to get out of this rumination cycle no matter how hard I try. SO I suppose my question is, is this alone a good enough reason to move countries?

badboss2020 · 27/08/2026 14:05

Germany? It’s not the place it used to be.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 27/08/2026 14:03

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:56

University education is free in my home country (and also very good) so this is not really a consideration for me, to be honest.

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But it's not about you.

Holeymoley28 · 27/08/2026 14:02

Just Like you moved away and your sibling has moved away of course there is a chance she will move away.

It’s basically in her genes moving countries as you want her to do it now.

Also if she hates the move and her memories of the uk are rather pleasant she will grow us missing home to her as her home will be the uk with lots of memories, just like you miss home being your parents country.

If you moved in with your parents. Would you suddenly be spending all these holidays with dh’s family? Or would they be cast out as the don’t matter relatives?

Sartre · 27/08/2026 14:00

Seems like a silly decision to uproot and move to a country where you and DH won’t easily find employment, unsettling your DD in the process. I also wouldn’t want to move in with my ILs or parents even… How does your DH feel about that?! Just visit them as often as you can.

Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:59

SueKeeper · 27/08/2026 13:45

I think you need to think about why you feel guilty. Your parents don't even visit often, let alone consider giving up their lives to move to you. However, you are feeling guilty about not giving up your jobs, life, DHs family, own home and DD being settled and happy at school. There's an imbalance there, you are very defensive about asking anything of them, but you are asking an awful lot more of DH and DD. This isn't really right and there must be a reason for it.

FWIW, it sounds like you have a lovely balance just now and life is going well. There's no reason to shake this up so completely, just work on the guilt.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply!

I think I feel guilty because it was always the plan to move back, and a few years ago, before DD started reception, we almost did. The company over there messed us about spectacularly though and it all fell through literally 2 months before we were supposed to move.

After that, my DH tried to apply for a few other jobs, but heard nothing back. So I suppose I feel guilty because I always intended to go back and be there for them but this hasn't happened due to those events out of my control.

You are right though that I am probably being very defensive in terms of asking very little of my parents so I shall work on the guilt.

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Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:56

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 27/08/2026 13:49

Of course it is

Also, remember that if you move her abroad, she'll have to pay international student fees if she wants to come back and study in the UK.

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University education is free in my home country (and also very good) so this is not really a consideration for me, to be honest.

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beaglescurleduplikebagels · 27/08/2026 13:49

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:36

Do you think this really is a possibilty? When moved at 8 years old? It still seems fairly young to me. Genuine question as I did not move as a child.

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Of course it is

Also, remember that if you move her abroad, she'll have to pay international student fees if she wants to come back and study in the UK.

SueKeeper · 27/08/2026 13:45

I think you need to think about why you feel guilty. Your parents don't even visit often, let alone consider giving up their lives to move to you. However, you are feeling guilty about not giving up your jobs, life, DHs family, own home and DD being settled and happy at school. There's an imbalance there, you are very defensive about asking anything of them, but you are asking an awful lot more of DH and DD. This isn't really right and there must be a reason for it.

FWIW, it sounds like you have a lovely balance just now and life is going well. There's no reason to shake this up so completely, just work on the guilt.

Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:38

Tourmalines · 27/08/2026 13:31

So you would move back for your parents. But then what about DH parents ? Surely he would miss them? You see your parents regularly anyway but they don’t come to you though , effort is all from you . I say put your DH and DD first . Stay where you are .

We love DH's parents very much but are not as close to them as we are to mine. Saying that though, you are possibly right in, we visit mine a lot anyways.

In my parents defence, they don't speak the language, and are not really the most adventurous people in general. But of course that goes for a lot of people who regularly travel despite that.

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Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:36

KatherineParr · 27/08/2026 13:33

The other thing to take into consideration is that she may never get used to it and could decide to return to the UK as an adult.

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Do you think this really is a possibilty? When moved at 8 years old? It still seems fairly young to me. Genuine question as I did not move as a child.

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KatherineParr · 27/08/2026 13:33

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:05

I totally see your point but the thing is, my home country is really lovely and DD would actually have a lovely life there as well. It's not like I'd be moving her to a horrible place.

However, point still stands that she doesn't want to live there, only visit. I don't know how long it would take for her to get used to there.

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The other thing to take into consideration is that she may never get used to it and could decide to return to the UK as an adult.

Tourmalines · 27/08/2026 13:31

So you would move back for your parents. But then what about DH parents ? Surely he would miss them? You see your parents regularly anyway but they don’t come to you though , effort is all from you . I say put your DH and DD first . Stay where you are .

Holeymoley28 · 27/08/2026 13:22

Your parents need to visit you more.

That’s the compromise and holiday together but in different locations sometimes.

Make sure not every holiday is just you going home. Because it will stop feeling like a holiday for dd and dh.

Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:18

Holeymoley28 · 27/08/2026 13:17

Thing is she might be happy now she’s 8. But when she’s 13/14/15 and wanting to go out with her friends in the summer holidays and half terms she isn’t going to want to go everytime you do or for the whole summer either.

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Yes and that is fair enough, I would not expect her to want to do that as a teenager. Also we don't go every half term.

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Pistachiocake · 27/08/2026 13:18

I'd stay and put my daughter first. Now she's older, could you make more trips to see your parents on your own?

Holeymoley28 · 27/08/2026 13:17

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:14

Argh, you are right with most of that I suppose. Time to own my decisions and put my big girl pants on.

However, DD loves visiting- she looks forward to it every time. Its not that I force her to come with me at all, and I'd never do that.

What I meant in a previous post was, if I went by myself my parents would understandably be upset not to see their grandchild.

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Thing is she might be happy now she’s 8. But when she’s 13/14/15 and wanting to go out with her friends in the summer holidays and half terms she isn’t going to want to go everytime you do or for the whole summer either.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 27/08/2026 13:17

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:14

Argh, you are right with most of that I suppose. Time to own my decisions and put my big girl pants on.

However, DD loves visiting- she looks forward to it every time. Its not that I force her to come with me at all, and I'd never do that.

What I meant in a previous post was, if I went by myself my parents would understandably be upset not to see their grandchild.

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If your parents wanted to see your DD that badly, they would travel to see you.

Castolaya · 27/08/2026 13:16

Honestly this sounds so focussed on your’s and your parent’s needs.

You have no idea that this change would be positive for your child, there is absolutely no guarantee on that and it would be simply awful for your DH. It really sounds like a case of far away hills are greener. That is rarely true, the feelings you have now often travel with you.

I really think you need to start considering your own family, your primary responsibility is now to your daughter but you seem to have flipped this to your parents. It is probably a good time for you to really start thinking about this from other perspectives.

Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:14

Holeymoley28 · 27/08/2026 13:11

Sounds like really it’s only about what you and your parents want.

You’d all be cramming into one home, your dh would have a long community so less family time, dh struggles learning the language, less support for dd with her adhd without even adding the fact she doesn’t want to live there.

You already take dd every time you visit because they want her there not because she wants to go so it’s just appeasing your parents again.

Sounds like everyones life would be worse about from you and your parents.

Argh, you are right with most of that I suppose. Time to own my decisions and put my big girl pants on.

However, DD loves visiting- she looks forward to it every time. Its not that I force her to come with me at all, and I'd never do that.

What I meant in a previous post was, if I went by myself my parents would understandably be upset not to see their grandchild.

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Holeymoley28 · 27/08/2026 13:11

Sounds like really it’s only about what you and your parents want.

You’d all be cramming into one home, your dh would have a long community so less family time, dh struggles learning the language, less support for dd with her adhd without even adding the fact she doesn’t want to live there.

You already take dd every time you visit because they want her there not because she wants to go so it’s just appeasing your parents again.

Sounds like everyones life would be worse about from you and your parents.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 27/08/2026 13:06

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:05

I totally see your point but the thing is, my home country is really lovely and DD would actually have a lovely life there as well. It's not like I'd be moving her to a horrible place.

However, point still stands that she doesn't want to live there, only visit. I don't know how long it would take for her to get used to there.

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She shouldn't have to 'get used to it', though.

You're being selfish.

Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:05

Instructions · 27/08/2026 12:16

I would prioritise my DD. You say your parents gave you a lovely childhood so you want to make them happy... Isn't your DD's experience of her own childhood and youth as important? Isn't her happiness as important as that of your parents?

I totally see your point but the thing is, my home country is really lovely and DD would actually have a lovely life there as well. It's not like I'd be moving her to a horrible place.

However, point still stands that she doesn't want to live there, only visit. I don't know how long it would take for her to get used to there.

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Original poster

seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:02

Mumdiva99 · 27/08/2026 12:25

So your daughter spends the entire school holiday there.....when does she see friends? When does she do things in HER country? When does she see other parts of England and go to museums, the sea side, other attractions? When does she spend quality time with her other side of the family.
It sounds very much like a you issue.
Your parents could come and see you - they choose not to. That's on them. I do understand that it's tough being away from home. But that's what you would put on your daughter and husband if you make them move. You can only do it if you and your husband are both 100% committed to making it work.

She does see her friends over here all the time, I facilitate a lot of playdates, clubs, etc. We are seeing my DH's family a lot and go on lots of outings throughout the year. She is not missing out on things over here.

As we go to my home country often she is fully bilingual and very confident.

I do agree with you that my parents choose not to come which is a real shame and would make my life much easier as well. Though we have a lot more space in their house, in fairness.

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seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 13:00

TheProvincialLady · 27/08/2026 12:38

I think you should focus on giving your DD a fantastic childhood rather than trying to thank and appease your parents. Would your childhood have been so wonderful if your parents had moved you to another country to live with grandparents in the middle of nowhere, seeing your dad 2 hours less every day and having less financial security?

When you put it that way, I agree it does sound like a no-brainer.

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seriouslyruminating · 27/08/2026 12:59

Teainapinkcup · 27/08/2026 12:12

So its a good country, you can still make money by moving there? I think I would be moving away from the UK if I had the chance.

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Yes its a very "good", wealthy country (I suppose people will have different ideas about what makes a good country), we would be eventually making money etc. but it would be hard at first. It would come at teh cost of my husband having a long commute, my career over there doesn't really exist so I'd have to do something else entirely.

My DD gets a lot of school support for suspected ADHD and that's also something that is not as good over there as here, so that's another complication and a reason I'd rather not have her change schools. The school system in my home country is good, but very different from the UK.

All in all, we would have a very high quality of life over there but it would certainly be hard at first.

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