AIBU to keep debating whether to move back nearer my parents- despite very difficult job situation/ new school for DD

Do your DP and DD actually want to go to a small village in a landlocked country multiple times every year and not go anywhere else? There are loads of places that are easy to get to from Austria, and might let you balance up the travel time more fairly.

Your parents doing some of the travelling, even if it's not to the UK, would at least be a bit of a compromise and may mean less guilt tripping.

Re: eldercare, if you can get them to do any adaptations to the house, or at least start thinking about them (stairs can be tricky, and narrow doorways), and find out about social care support, sheltered housing etc, before there's a crisis, then that's really helpful.

If you can at least get some of it done it means that later on you're not dealing with the aftermath of a fall or illness and playing catch up.

Thankfully my parents don't want either me or my sibling (who lives nearby) to look after them! They both had to provide lots of emotional/physical care for their own parents and don't want that for us. They've got good health insurance (in line with the local system) and will book carers to come if/when needed.

I brought up the topic when my mum was talking about my gran. Asked her what their plans were for when they get older. If your grandparents are long dead, perhaps you can bring it up in relation to their friends/other villagers (I'm sure everyone knows everyone's business...).

They're not in Austria though, so perhaps it's a better/different care system.

I'm also from a small insular village in mainland Europe and my mum cries every time I leave (quiet crying, not wailing), even after nearly 20 years.

But I love living here in a city in the UK, they can see I'm happier here, and she does understand I'll never move back. They didn't visit me for about 4 years for rather spurious reasons, and when I politely told them it was a bit shit of them, they hadn't realised it'd been so long, and have since put in more effort. They visit me both together and separately. It's not too late for them to learn some English with Duolingo and the help of their granddaughter!

What is their plan for when they need care as they get older? I'd encourage you to have this conversation now.

Pros:
You wouldn't miss your parents anymore

Cons:
Massive upheaval for your daughter
An unhappy daughter
Less money
Husband trying to get a job where he doesn't speak the language
You retraining in a totally different career and starting from the bottom
Long commute
Sharing a house with others

I'm failing to see how this decision has taken you more than five minutes to weigh up tbh.

I imagine that if your dd was your age you would not lay on the sadness, guilt and pressure when she was leaving, especially if she was coming back in a few months. I'd hate if my DD felt that way. Kind of hits close to home, because she's moving to uni right now and I'm sad to see her go but I'm so excited for her, too! I'd hate if she thought she had to give all that up to be near me because I was so needy. Yikes.

I don't think your parents are being especially fair being so sad every time you leave, given you are back so often! When my dd leaves, I do my best to put a brave face on things, so I don't upset her further or make her feel guilty.

Your loyalty is to your child for now, that will change as she gets older. For now, she is entirely dependent on you to look after her/ make the best decisions for her needs.

Why not start saving and think about getting a holiday home there in time? Even renting one? Or an early retirement?

I'm not suggesting you're crazy at all. Sometimes we get so close to an issue, we can't see the wood for the trees.
I'm pleased I've helped you to see another side to the situation

The situation as I see it -

you will be moving to a very rural area so not the population there to make friends. long commuting for work and possibly school
you will be sharing a home with your parents - this is a big ask for all of you. You may have a happy past experience of intergenerational loving but even you will have become accustomed to a more nuclear family set up.
your DH isn't fluent in the language and hasn't had success in job hunting in his niche field
You would have to completely change career
Your DD wouldn't get the support at school she currently has so her education would be adversely effected

It takes 1.5 hrs to fly there so even taking into account check in times and driving to & from airports etc, you can be there by tea time.

You visit 5-6 times a year - where's the incentive for your parents to visit when they know they'll be seeing you in 6-8 weeks ? Anyone who hikes as a pasttime is more than capable of negotiating an airport & getting on a plane, even driving over. So give them that encouragment. How about next year, leaving a longer period between a pair of visits and inviting them over here ? As it's only 1,5 hrs away it's not as if they would have to stay a month to make it worthwhile - they could make it a long weekend.

The only instance I can tell you about are very close friends. One was from Aus and always talked about 'going home' literally from when I first met her. 10 years later, they made the jump - sold up, booked tickets, everything. They were back in 4 months, yes 4 months. They came back before their shipped belongings arrived in Aus, I kid you not. Job wise - absolute mess. His qualifications here not recognised there so unable to get a job at same level. Accommodation & cost of living really expensive. They moved 'back' to her old home city, but all her friends and family had moved, scattered across the country so they didn't know anyone locally. I'm still not sure whether the chap played an absolute blinder in agreeing to up sticks, knowing it would fail but having the brownie points from having given it a go.

You sound an intelligent person - I'm sorry the pro's and con's just don't stack up for moving 'back home'.

I can’t believe you visit them for the entire summer, 5 other times a year, they never come to you and they’re guilt tripping you! My husband and I are both American and we immigrated to Scotland 20 years ago. We have the only two grandchildren and see each set of our parents once or twice a year at most. They are all happy for us!

you definitely need to start setting some better boundaries. It’s not fair on your child to spend that much time away from home and they’ll miss out on so much by being away every single holiday like that. Of course you should go a couple times a year but you can’t keep going back and forth like that. It’s probably why you still feel so unsettled in your home as you’re either about to go or just back.

And no, you shouldn’t immigrate. Think about how hard it’s been for you to move here and multiply it by several intensities for a child and a husband who doesn’t particularly want to - and then the immense pressure of living with your parents indefinitely with a long commute at best and endless financial stress at worst. Your husband won’t have any friends or family around and as your parents live rurally, it will be much harder for him to find a community. Fair enough to have an adventure if everyone is keen, but immigrating is ‘hard’ even if it’s fully your choice. 8 isn’t old enough to have a vote, but it’s old enough to have a say and old enough to be integrated into their life.

I cannot imagine why your parents are putting this much pressure on you, it’s really not fair. Is the same pressure being put on your brother or is this somehow all your problem?

Sounds like they are making you feel guilty, it's not nice, as you have built a life and your dd and DH have lives too. You should not let this leaving sadness thing make you feel so guilty that on top of spending every holiday there you actually consider giving up dh's independence and employment and your dd's ADHD support at school to go and live full time in their house! Listen to their actions, not just their words. They do not want to visit you to make all this easier. They do not want to learn more English. But they are fit and well.
You are not a child. You don't need to go back to being in your parents house.

For what it's worth, even if I had all the best intentions at the start, if I were in your DH position I know I could not do this and would eventually want to leave if we tried it. Spectacularly bad idea for him because if the marriage broke down (which seems likely as you'll do literally anything to please your parents and they do not reciprocate) he'd be stuck there if he wanted to see dd.

No , I definitely would not . I love my mum so much but we grow up and make our own lives . We do not owe them EVERYTHING! And even if you feel you do , your husband and daughter definitely do not . I think it would be pretty selfish to move everyone .
Especially when you talk about the job situation. And living together 🙈🙈🙈🙈!!

they are fit then. No excuse .

But not sad enough to come and visit!

Are you not going to end up with a similar situation in reverse with your DH and his parents as they age, and he’d be living abroad?