AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

Hosting can only be done with boundaries. “Open house” is giving me the willies. DH is fondly imagining himself sitting in an armchair with a drink at his elbow for 12 hours surrounded by loving family- who also get to stay over with open ended leave dates - while food and drink keeps coming, presents get opened, wrapping paper gets cleared away, meals get served etc etc. who is making all this happen?

We do santa. We have also had many different Christmases - some at home, some at my parents/DH's parents/abroad/in huge holiday houses with entire extended families. Santa still visits! He leaves stockings on the ends of the kids ' beds wherever we are and they bring them into our room and we open our stockings just the 4 of us (DH and I do stockings for each other)

And sometimes being hosted by others is particularly lovely at Christmas as you can focus on having fun with the kids on Christmas day rather than having the hosting duties of worrying about dinner and ensuring everyone has enough to drink etc.

I'll go against the grain and say I think the 3 year idea isn't a solution at all - basically means you'll have 2/3 years with his family (as sounds like your mum wouldn't come) and messes up the pattern with your DB if they come back every other year. I think the compromise is staying home one year for his family and going away to yours the next.

I'd also add that the faff of travelling for Christmas is nothing compared to the faff of hosting!! It may not be as relaxing as he imagines...

While agree it's easier to set rules when you're the one with a young baby, I don't know if deciding now what you want to do for years to come is necessary, especially if it's hard negotiating how that looks.

Who's turn is it this year? Could you compromise by staying home this year while the baby is so young, then re-discussing travel next year? He may be more willing to travel when things seem easier with a slightly older child

don't set a strict rotation because the op’s family from overseas will be over some years and not others - currently it’s implied a 2 year rotation but that might flex eg if something happens with SIL’s abroad family - keep it open that you can dovetail with them without getting “but it’s the wrong year”.
dont commit to anything for ever on behalf of your young child who can’t express a preference yet. And whose preferences will change even if they could

Yeah either have the ILs every other year and the other Christmas go to your mum's. Or do it every 3 years. If you have a Christmas at home though make it clear it's just the 3 of you (otherwise he'll invite his parents and you don't want his dad there really).
I think it's fairest if you go with three year rotation I'd personally have the third year as the three of you at home because by that stage your child will want to stay home and play with her new toys.

That sounds the most sensible idea.

Agree with others that in the early years, travelling at Christmas is not an issue. It does get harder later. I used to love to go to my parents’ house as it gave me a bit more of a break than staying home.
However - Hosting Christmas can be utterly exhausting- so think hard about how much your husband will actually help so that you don’t just spend Christmas Day in the kitchen…..
I think that either a three year rotation or taking turns on who chooses what you do is very fair. It is not fair that DH insists all Christmases are now at home if this is not what you want.

Now you are a mother your DH has repositioned you in his mind as general family facilitator. This is something a lot of men do, watch out for signs of it in other places. Once you were an individual with your own preferences and personal family bonds - now he sees you as the keeper of his house and hostess to his family and anyone else he decides “open house” accommodates.
he gets to choose sometimes. You get to choose sometimes. Like before. You’re still a person and your personal relationship la still matter.

watch out for him demoting you to mum/housekeeper in other ways too. I don’t mean “mum” is a demotion in my eyes: I mean in his eyes it’s a service role.

Your DH thinks you hosting Christmas and both your families who don’t get along, staying with you will be relaxing?!! No way I’d want to do that, especially with a baby. I’d remind him of that and push for keeping the arrangement as it is.

I put yabu, I had to go to one of my Nan's houses as a kid and hated it, all I wanted to do was stay in my pyjamas and play with my new toys, I really didn't want to go out.
My other Nan was fine with us visiting on a different day but my Dad's Mum was always insistent that we had to see her on the 25th.

My Mum has said many times since that she also hated going out and only did it to keep the peace and I really wish she'd put us first.

You might find that once your baby is here that you want to make your own traditions, especially once they believe in Father Christmas and want to sleep in their own beds and get up in the morning to see if he's been.
It's such a short few years when they believe.

Christmas is more than just one day but for kids it's the 25th that's the most magical so maybe have that day at home then do your visiting on other days.

You need to reach a compromise, and what you have suggested in your post is the perfect compromise. DH gets to stay home and see his family one year, you get to travel and see yours the next.

We're in a similar situation to you in that both sides of the family are a long way away and we always travelled to see them until COVID when tbh it was a relief to not go have to travel.

However I don't regret those early years at all. The DC were spoiled rotten by the family and they loved staying with them at Christmas.

Your solution already has every other year at yours, so it really is the perfect solution.

Your DH really needs to learn that healthy parenting and relationships are about willingness to work together and find a compromise. It's not fair of him to impose the solution that works for him on everyone else every year.

Also don't underestimate how important it is for building relationships that your DC get to spend time with your wider family, Christmas is a great opportunity to do so.

Why on earth do you have to choose all future Xmas plans now?
Id simply pick whatever plan you want this year (IMO that would be Xmas as just you three with a few zoom calls but you do you!) and then go from there. Absolutely do not commit to being the annual host-house forever.

Who would be doing the cooking and hosting if people were at yours ?

I don't blame him we used to travel everywhere at christmas and it made the whole thing an ordeal about getting from one place to the next, but you need a compromise if you still want to travel.

We stopped travelling entirely and have no regrets (family 4 hours in different directions). Prior to this though we did the 3 year rotation with a year at home. I think that sounds like the best solution.

I think people are focusing on the travelling with kids and not on the fact that dh wants to host his horrible dad every year basically.

Whatever you guys decide on. Dont do that!

I’d do this.

It'll be easier to set rules now.

When the baby is a bit older and gets toys for Christmas, they will want to stay at home.

We used to get up, quickly open all the presents and then get bundled into the car to spend the day with relatives. Christmas day was boring sitting around in someone else's house when I really desperately wanted to be at home playing with my new toys!

I read it - I also missed that comment. Is it it such a big deal…

We spent years and years travelling on Xmas day or in the lead up with small children in tow. Families lived miles away. Only this year with teens have we finally said no. I regret dragging the kids around on planes and long car journeys when they should have been having a special day. Half an hour to local rellies, fine. But if I had my time again, I’d do it like your husband wants.

but you don’t, so you’ll need to compromise. I like a pp idea of each having a year to ‘choose’ venue, which will result in travelling every other year.

Surely there’s an easy meet in the middle? Instead of alternating visiting parents every year or staying at home every year you do every third year for each?

Babies are reasonably portable but toddlers and children are less so. As your family ages I think you will find it easier to be at home so I would suggest NOT getting roped in to a set pattern for more than a year or two.
Your DH shouldn’t just impose his will of course ! It can be very tiring to host lots of family so having some boundaries around who come when is essential . ‘Open house’ would be a big much for me
That said, people get a bit ‘starry eyed’ about Christmas when actually it’s a bloody hard work and a bit of nightmare of personalities mixing. So I also think it’s wise to have reasonably low expectations and enjoy other times of year just as much. Fortunately your kids will hopefully become a lovely focus for everyone to enjoy.

I would do a 3 yearly rotation. That way you get a Christmas with the IL one year Christmas with your family the next, then just your family the year after.

It's tricky as you have to travel.

Is there a way you could see extended family before or after Christmas? Say 27th -30th or 21st ish - 24th. That way you can still see your extended family.

I think you suggest you stick to the alternate arrangement. On your year you go visit your mum and on his year then his parents come to you.

Personally though I am with your husband, if you do go down the Santa route I think it's easier to have your own traditions at home.

I like the idea of the 3 year rotation as PP said, keeps everyone equally happy then.