AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

This is what we do (although we do have the open invite on "our" year as we don't have a difficult family situation and our families pitch in, contribute to the cooking and cleaning, and are generally lovely helpful human beings) and it is so nice for the DC to be in their own home for some years. I also agree with @EppingIsFun that neither of you are being unreasonable - this is just one of the logistical things that needs talking through once DC come along.

Edit to add - for the GPs we aren't with over christmas itself, we tend to try and see them around the time at some point. So eg. some years we've spent Christmas day in our house and travelled to one set of GPs on the 28th for new year. Or we've squeezed in a visit earlier in December and done a "mini christmas" in advance. We've learnt that the 25th day itself actually isn't the important thing now, and it's just about finding time for us to get quality time with both sides at some point.

Also in this case no one is leaving presents behind to go and visit granny down the road as the distances are too large

my kids loved going to different places at Christmas and they always had their presents with them because we stayed a few days due to distance or just because, shocking I know, we like spending time with our families

We used to do each set before and after Christmas and have Christmas day at home just me DH and DC. Because of the distances involved that might not work for you, but alternating your family one year, home the next is fair enough.

Also think about having to host when you have a small child, how much help will you have?

Who's turn would it be this year/ are your DB + SIL going to your mum's? If so, put your foot down and stay with them.

If DH wants to host he needs to do the hosting.

Do not get browbeaten into staying at home and hosting ut of some notion that it's what you must do when you have children.

I hear this a lot and wonder how many women who say it are going to feel when their adult children "start their own traditions"

I’d alternate between one year you choose and the next year he chooses. His year can be at home with or without in laws (up to him). That way you still get Christmas with your mum.

That’s what he’s suggested and he’s said no, unfathomably.

Tell him he’s responsible for all the cooking and planning if they come
to
you

I’m with your DH. I want to be at home at Christmas. Everyone in our family has an open invitation to come for any time period over the holiday. Hardly anyone ever has. We used to travel but after multiple experiences gone wrong and little reciprocation, we stopped. My parents so far have refused to travel to see us except once, saying kids should go see their parents. Ok fine except they never did. My mom hosted Christmas every year when I was a kid and my grandparents and other relatives always came to ours. My brother and SIL did as she wished when their DD was very small and then SIL put her foot down and said no more. They only live a short drive from my parents, and my parents (mainly mom) still refused to go see them, saying their house is too small and we don’t like SIL’s cooking. My DH’s family came to ours once and we used to go see them on Boxing day but not anymore as DH also feels the same - we make the effort and no one else does. Probably just my weird family but basically we all just stay at our own homes at Christmas now and everyone seems a lot happier.

She says she wants to see her brother and sister in law when they are home too?

But then she’d only see her brother and sister in law every 6 years?

This was what I waned as a child. Stay home with the new toys. As a compromise in the afternoon about 4 ish we decamped to my aunty who lived quite near. She had a tree wth more presents or us. Family were there and it was a lovely time. There were years we went to my grandparents. I had a very young uncle and his friends, my gran was a great cook and my grandad could play the harmonica and dance. Loved all the Christmases when we were children. Make sure you enjoy yours.

What does your own Mum do the year you go to in-laws ? Is she alone?
If we spent Christmas with one family we travelled to the other on day after boxing day but that sounds like too much for you all. The children did absolutely love spending time with their cousins and extended family.
We stayed home for the main day once kids started school at around 5 and have been at home ever since. Starting to change now as my dc are getting married and having to factor in their in-laws some of whom are abroad. Just take it year by year.

6hrs between our families (we live near mine) and we alternate yearly kids are now teens and there have been 2 years COVID and when an in law was very poorly when we didn't otherwise we always do and then spend new year or Easter with the other side. I actually think it works very well as lots of our friends where family are nearer are run ragged driving between the 2 and we never are!

i am a little on your DH’s side in principle. As a child we were always dragged around to others peoples houses on Christmas Day so opened presents then left them for 6+hours while we spent time with cousins who had all their presents to play with. We were all local though so it is different so I can see your point. Could you compromise and travel to see family at new year instead?

We do this - one year with my side and one with his and one by ourselves (often with friends) but not any family from either side that year to keep it even.

I wouldn’t get into hosting Christmas at your house. Enjoy going to others when the baby is young. Maybe once she’s older and it’s harder to move all the presents etc then that would be a more natural end to the travel. In my experience the grandparents tend to get older and don’t want to host anymore anyway. Good luck negotiating!

We’ve had this exact conversation when our DD was born 4 years ago. Ultimately we have switched to alternative years still but with us hosting. I couldn’t cope with my in laws here at the same time as my whole family.

I would do that and then make some effort to see your DB and SIL outside of the holidays. And make sure to have your DM round on the year that DB isn’t visiting.

This - worked well for us

I would do a couple more alternating years as once baby gets a bit bigger and gets interested in toys they will want to stay home to play with their new presents.

Certainly for the first few years it’s not such a big deal to go to family for Christmas. As the dc get older you adapt to the situation. They might love stockings in their room at Gramps’ but on the living room chimney breast at Nana’s, for example. Or you might hate having to transport all the presents around as the number and size increase.

Nothing is fixed in stone when you have family.

I'm guessing since DH wants to stay home and have all the family with you then he is hosting and doing all the cooking and cleaning???

This is just not going to be fun at all with children. Honestly I would stay home every single year with my nuclear family.

We alternate - in my year we always spend it with my family who are very close and cousins close in age and we have a big magical Christmas (well until they became teenagers…) then on DHs year we normally stay at home and may have a relative of his visit. One year we went skiing.

i find the idea that because you have a baby you must spend every Christmas at your own house odd tbh

eta you won’t have that many Christmas’s with a young child so things will naturally change anyway

Is your DH seeing this as a way to get out of Xmas with his parents?

Urgh. This is why i hate Christmas

thanks for raising this bloody subject in August