AIBU to avoid birthday visitors and ask for gifts in advance?

I guess they haven't yet realised that their company is something you merely tolerate in exchange for getting presents and cards.

I’m not sentimental either, but DH’s family is like you and my family is like the others.

I think giving a gift before the day is such a cop out. If you love someone you should see them on their birthday and make them feel loved and special on that day. Sending a gift ahead of time doesn’t do that, it’s bare minimum effort.

But if you have plans or want to do something else you’re not obliged to make yourself available all day on your birthday, or at all on your birthday - but just communicate that.

I think it’s normal for people to expect to see the child open the present they are giving in front of them, whether it’s the day of the birthday or slightly before/after. My daughter would have been disappointed if my mum didn’t come round on her actual birthday. I’ve always thought it’s important to make sure that cards are available to be opened on the actual birthday and that they are pointless if they’re late.

And yet you made a very long post about how relatives should have the common sense to drop gifts off in advance without bothering or speaking to you?

Agree OP sounds grabby

This.

Yep, I don’t think we are hearing the full story on this.

I had a friend who fell out with me over something minor. It was like she argued with a mutual friend over a man and demanded I take side and I said no.

I used to babysit her child multiple terms a month overnight in our 20s because she was a single parent who still liked to party and I tried to help her out plus I adored her child .

When she cut me out her child’s life and started inviting others to various family type events that she would normally have asked me to go to and stopped asking me to babysit I just accepted it. It’s her child, I was sad but it’s her choice. So I respected that.

I later found out she was also very angry I (and some other friends she alienated) stopped with the presents 😆 she expected us to just have this non-relationship with her child but keep sending gifts.

My partner's family has this strange thing.Where gifts don't have to necessarily be given to the recipient on the day and see them. But they're making a massive deal of getting it to them in advance

Birthday presents have to be wraptop well in advance and dropped off to a family member to be able to convey it to the person same with christmas presents and ahead of it.Is they actually see each other on christmas day?And boxing day, but still they get the presence to them in advance to be opened under the tree.On the morning.

There are no children left in the family.Anymore, even the nieces and nephews are over eighteen all of them.

I dont understand why there's such a big deal about getting birthday presents in christmas presents well in advance in the day to grown adults.And the parents are now in their eighties. Surely they can wait. No grown adult can be that precious about having presence on their actual birthday.

Don't you just have the moul?Come over one day before the actual day orafter and they can all just give them to him.

Maybe set up a WhatsApp group - “Birthday Boy” - and add a Poll. ‘Please indicate which slot you will be visiting to give BB his gift; can I gently remind you that the 1/2 hour time slots will be strictly observed. Only 1 vote allowed’
3.00 - 3.30
3.45 - 4.15
4.30 - 5.00
5.15 - 5.45

So long as the presents arrive nothing else matters. You could always ask for bank transfer only-that would be easier for you. Just send the details with the new rules…..

You are funny OP!

I think it would be more normal to e.g. arrange to have one side of the family over for tea sometime in the week before, maybe just a weekday evening, and the other side sometime after. Totally fine to let them know you won't be around on the day. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see someone open their birthday presents though! It's nice to see their reaction and also helps you guage for future years.

The eldest eventually became no contact with them and there was never a card or gift sent (even when the eldest was still technically a child and there hadn’t been a big fall out.

It is even strange you mentioned this.
Why would you be getting presents sent from people you’re no contact with? You are saying there was no fall out, so do you mean they lost contact? Going “no contact” as opposed to losing contact is very deliberate and there are alway reasons around it.

In fact I’d say losing contact with grandparents is most likely going to be deliberate either way on at least one sides part.

Wonder the GPs are not in contact anymore 🤔

“It’s Johnny’s birthday on Saturday. We’ll be in between 12-3 if you would like to stop by for tea and cake”

Make it known that you will be out all day on the birthday doing X thing. There will be then no point in them dropping by on the day and they will come another day instead. If you don't want them dropping by spontaneously at all, then invite them on a specific date and time to come round for cake.

It is nice that your child has people who care enough about them to buy for them and want to see them open the presents. I get that dropping by uninvited doesn't work for everyone, but I think you can avoid this by being a bit more proactive. However I would not ask people to bring gifts in advance, it's too grabby.

If I buy a gift I like to see them open it! It doesn’t have to actually have to be on the day so long as they get the card in time. The gift can be a couple of day later

What a fuss-budget.

Set aside a time that’s convenient for you for people to visit.

If you’re that bothered about people crowding you and your child on birthdays just decline them their offer to visit but don’t be upset if you get no presents. Say you’ll be in and out the house that day and you can’t commit a time slot or even just say you want it to be just yourself and your child for that day/week.

Problem solved.

But again don’t complain if they no longer send presents.

In my family people usually arrange a time when family can drop in for cake and celebrate the birthday. The children open the presents they’re given there and then. It doesn’t haven to be on the day if you’re busy.

Some people like to see others open their presents.

Can't be real. Surely no one could be so daft?

It’s normal to want to see a family member at some time around their birthday. Can’t always be on their actual birthday for many logistical reasons. It’s v nice so many family members want to give your child gifts.

Normal thing to do is to host a family birthday get-together to schedule this on your time, rather than having to vaguely be around for a couple of days for drop ins. Set a couple of hours aside for a family celebration. Done.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to give a time slot that’s convenient for you. Just say something like ‘we’ll be out from 11am to 5pm so if you want pop round it would be great if it could be from 9am to 11am or 5pm onwards’ or something like that.

Even if you aren’t going out it’s okay to say ‘it’d be lovely to see you over this 2 hour period’. If they are the type to just show up and not leave you could message them in advance to be really clear.

It is however really unreasonable to view family members as such an inconvenience you’d rather gifts be dropped off in advance to avoid interaction with them. Do you struggle more generally with assertiveness?

Just invite family round for tea and birthday cake on a day close to the birthday if you are busy on their actual birthday. they obviously want to see your DC to wish them happy birthday. That’s fair enough isn’t it. You have the house full for a couple of hours but you prevent lots of drop ins