AIBU to avoid birthday visitors and ask for gifts in advance?

I’m not entirely sure you’re cut out for family life! 🤣 this whole post is probably completely made up

Id give up on you. Totally ungrateful in so many ways.

OMG I can’t believe this is a serious post???!!!!
From that post it is a wonder that anyone wants to share the birthday or give a gift to you or your children!!!
YABVU
Sharing a gift and sharing the birthday celebrations, it’s all VERY normal to do and odd to expect people to drop it off before hand. If there is a lot of family and you want them to come at certain times, arrange a birthday tea with them. If you have groups that don’t mix, arrange it over a few days.
Sorry, but your take of gift giving is extremely odd.

At least the relatives want to spend time with your family...... mine couldn't give a shit

Yeah and it sounds like she’s passed down this weird mentality to her child.

With my eldest child we actually used to laugh about her paternal grandparents desire to only give presents once they were in your company

This is also irritating because there are so many parents especially single parents who would love relatives to pay such an interest in their kids. What a thing to whinge about.

You’re being obtuse, you know no one is saying that.
Go and do whatever you want for your child’s birthday. What you can’t do is day “heh granny, we don’t want to see you on DC birthday but we really don’t want gifts 2 days later so get up off your lazy arse and drop it on our doorstep for night before so we have the gift”.
That was the question in your OP, you’re trying to change it now people have pointed out how nasty it is.

I don't really get this thread.

If it's relatives/close friends surely it is normal for them to want to see the child open their present and give it to them. The only exception I feel to this is class parties or with friends where you don't expect them to be opening presents at their party (and actually this I find can be rude when parents do let them if there are duplicates or things they don't want and younger kids have no filter!).

Is this the only time you see relatives? Are you normally happy to see them or is it only at birthdays you get silly about it?
There also is no rule that says you need to sit around for 3 hours - you could explain to them we have plans in the afternoon, but are free in the morning if you want to call by for an hour.

Likewise it doesn't have to be at home. Love to see you, DD is going bowling with her friends on her birthday but is free the day before - perhaps we could meet in the park? You could even take cake with you or do a picnic lunch.

And yeah, as others have said you can't go no contact with someone and then act surprised they don't contact you with cards and gifts!

It's not either or. You can do both.

Surely the kids are excited to see people for more presents too.

OP do you never host family? We would have family drop in and out on birthdays. If we were having a party out, they'd come with if they're close enough to give gifts. Once the kids grew out of parties, the family would come round for birthday dinner and maybe board games.

Op is complaining that her DH’s parents wanted to see their granddaughter open her present. And then complaining when she went no contact with her that they didn’t continue to cough up the gifts.

And then seemingly complaining that their adult child wants to spend with them/sis whiie
giving a gift?!

I think there is a point of people insist on dropping in on the actual birthday although I wouldnt extend that to my own children, but that can be met with a polite request “can you come Sat instead” etc.

Its the tone of the post - cough up the gift but don’t feel you are entitled to any time in exchange for your efforts inc grandparents

Grabby grabby grabby

What have I just read?!!!
You clearly don’t place any value on your extended family and are teaching your child/children this too and yet you’re more than happy to accept the gifts just as long as it’s on your terms!
Put on the family WhatsApp - ‘Hey guys. We’re having an open house between 11-1 (or whatever) on Johnny’s birthday if anyone wants to pop in for a cup of tea and some cake’ Simple.
If you and your rude children can’t even stomach that then maybe you should go NC with all of them!

Go out! Celebrate the birthday. Get the gifts whenever they show up later.

Very odd.

Well I completely agree with you.
It's not a big issue for us luckily as its just 1 set of grandparents who are like that. We just arrange for them to come when its convenient for us.

We just send gifts and cards in the post or they’d be given when we next saw each other, which could be weeks later. I’d be annoyed with people dropping by with gifts in advance as well as on the day. Just put it in the post, or if someone wants to see it opened, we’ll see you, when we see you. I can’t ever think of a time family or friends have ever come by with a gift, unless we were having a party and they were invited to the party. I don’t care about gifts really - giving or receiving them, I think it’s all a waste of headspace and money - so I wouldn’t be overthinking it all this much.

How good are your children at thanking people who send them gifts? Maybe that's why.

Yes i dont get the issue, if we know we have plans and we are told people will come by we tell them our plans

If they dont tell us and we are not home we are not home

It does not take a genius, well looks like it depends

If it's not convenient to have them over, tell them.
You don't have to spend all day on the sofa. Just so whatever you fancy, they'll fit in around you to see them another time.

So if you’re out and about having fun, why are you wanging on about having to stay in the house all day making cups of tea? How is any of this an issue if you’re not even at home?

How transactional. Birthdays are for celebrating, not for amassing gifts. I hope your mercurial attitude is confined to you and not your children. I can just imagine the Whatsapp message - hi family, DS is 7 on Friday, please ensure all gifts and greetings are submitted well in advance of this day, I have installed a parcel drop off box by the front door, so you don't have to knock.

You don't have to stay in all day on your/your dc's birthday if you'd rather go out, no one said that. Arrange a time/day that everyone can come by to have some tea and birthday cake and chat, it's a normal, sociable thing to do! That's up to you to organise. It's up to them whether they wish to attend.

A willingness to accept gifts and cards from family but viewing their company as a nuisance is horrible, and it's sad that you're teaching your children that this is an ok way to treat family and friends.

Would you just accept that your child will need to spend a portion of their birthday at home in order to receive gifts from some family members?

Yes - at some point close to their birthday, it’s polite and nice to make time to see people who love you enough to give you presents. Frankly, you should want to see these people. Not instead of other friends, but as well as them.

Would you mention to the family members that you would appreciate them being a little more organised in future so that you aren't then trying to coordinate visitors on special occasions?

You are the one who needs to get more organised, and let everyone know in advance that a particular time is set aside for family birthday visits. Basically, plan a small family party / drop in time. This is very normal.

I'm currently leaning towards fobbing them all off on my child's actual birthday (we will be busy it's not a lie) and giving them the same time slot the day after
This is exactly what most people do - set a time aside close to birthday time when it’s convenient for you, and let everyone know that’s when they can drop in.

so that they hopefully feel slightly uncomfortable and organise themselves a bit better next year.
If there are far more people than you can host at once, plan two short events. It’s a bit rude to deliberately plan for them to be uncomfortable. But not rude to suggest lots come together.

You asked about motivation - if I love someone enough to give them a present, I also would like to see them in person to wish them a happy birthday. I do like seeing them open presents where possible, as I would like to see if they liked what I’d chosen, share in enjoyment. I like seeing the people who give me presents because I prefer thanking them in person, and I like those people.
If you view the whole thing as transactional, which you seem to do, it doesn’t make sense because a present is just a necessary social convention.

It’s possible your eldest scoffed at her grandparents when she was younger partly because you did. Now she’s more mature she realises it’s nice to see people you love.

As the adult you are responsible for making time for people to see your child, but by taking control of this yourself you will stop people staying for hours and taking up too much time overall, which isn’t great for your child. Stop thinking everyone should be like you and drop things off in advance, and plan around the reality.

So broadly I agree, timely gifts - its about the recipient not the giver. However, I think if you want to recieve gifts be gracious.

If 10 year old wants gifts, then she should be gracious to the people bringing them. Surely you could do something like a family meal/tea at your house or something the weekend before the birthday where DD interacts with her generous relatives and they can leave the gifts for her birthday. Which when she opens id expect she then contacts the givers to thank them.

Not really sure why your so specific about its proper to have presents before the day whilst also not recognising its proper to entertain people kind enough to arrive with gifts