AIBU to be upset my husband walked home instead of hurrying back?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Whilst I absolutely understand your point of view, this will be stressful for your husband too. I think it is reasonable that after a stressful journey, he wanted some quiet alone time to gather his thoughts before arriving home to support you.

Are you in the UK? I can't think of anywhere I have worked that staff couldn't get emergency leave for a family crisis. See if he can get a few days compassionate leave to support you.

Try having a talk in the morning to explain how hard you are finding it, and that you acknowledge his work stress but that you still need him to step up now.

So sorry you are going through this.

Sorry, WTF?

YANBU my husband works away but came home early - and in the middle of the night - because our dog was dying.

I think your husband picked a fight because he knew that he could have been more supportive but it was easier to make you out to be the bad guy. Hope he's kinder to you today

It’s quite common in my experience that when we women feel vulnerable and just want someone to give us a hug and show they care… men don’t always pick up on it… but part of the issue is we often expect them to have that insight and read our mind a little bit, but they can’t.

I think the solution in situations like this is to be more open with our vulnerabilities and spell it out for them. Men can be a bit black-and-white, probably because in male social groups there tends to be less talking about feelings so I suppose they are not so used to it.

I sometimes find myself doing that classic thing of being upset and my DH says “What’s up?” And I snap “Nothing!” Even though there is something up and I expect him to know what it is.

Anyway, the main thing is I’m sorry to hear about your mum. It must feel horrible to have fallen out with your partner while this is going on, and not feel you have his support. I think you should explain clearly to him that you’re really sad and struggling about your mum, and would like more support from him. I know it must feel annoying to have to spell it out to him, but like I said men often need to have the nuances of feelings explained.

(apologies for my big generalisations about men and women in this post – I realise not everyone’s like that!)

You were very unreasonable.
Yes, your DM is moribund, but your DH has had a rough few days at work, not getting home 'til the middle of the night.
You don't make any mention of his needs/being there for him.

The first rule of first aid is make sure you are ok first

if that means he needs to walk before talking to you - that’s what he should do. If his stress levels are really high and he had spent money you don’t have rushing to get home to you , there would have been a row anyway

sorry about your mam though. It’s a very difficult time for you all , rows happen then.

I think he should have come straight home, then gone for a walk to clear his head. I am in the minority of saying yanbu to have been upset by this all.

I think your DH was very unreasonable and a lot of people replying have missed that you did stay up to talk to him and he refused to talk to you and got upset that you were upset.
He may be having a stressful time at work but your mum dying tops everything else.
Why can't he come home if your mum passes away?

Sorry to hear about your Mum OP but to be blunt I think you're being a bit unreasonable. It was a matter of minutes, rather than hours or days. He walked home after a stressful day. He wasnt at the pub getting pissed. You should probably cut him a bit of slack

I’m so sorry about your Mum.

I would not be apologising, or fussing around him this morning. Your Mother is dying, he should be unconditionally supporting you not arguing with you, and making it all about himself and making you feel even worse! Did he have a sleepless night? He’s also letting you know he won’t be helping/supporting you when your Mum sadly passes away! He should be your main support.

I meant that the huge pain which OP is experiencing is probably more about her mum than her DH's behaviour. Yes he could be more supportive but it's unlikely he could do enough. Grief is like that, no reflection on OP.

You said your DH had had a rough few days at work and had issues with the trains which meant he didn't get back until after 11pm. He was likely extremely frazzled and stressed. Unless there's a huge backstory about him being very unsupportive you really need to apologise for last night and move on.

I'm sorry about your mum it must be very stressful for you. Can you reconnect this evening? When you're both calm tell him you need this and why. My DH is lovely and kind but we handle stress in different ways so I really need to spell out exactly what I need sometimes. It sounds like the next few weeks will be very tough. Can you ask him when he'll be most available to chat and give you emotional support. His work set up doesn't sound ideal at this time but presumably he's also keen to keep his job given your financial situation.

I think its not necessarily that he walked home....but without needing to be a mindreader would it not be obvious without probing/needling that OP might feel anxious/moody/emotional when her mum is days away from death....

I am torn on this one. It depends on the wider context. Is he usually supportive? If so I feel if you needed that support you should’ve just stayed up an hour when he came in. And not being off with him about his de-stressing walk!

Sometimes you have to what you need to do - within reason - to make sure you’re okay before supporting others. I mean it’s not like he went to the pub for two hours.

In the grand scheme of things would it have been so bad to stay up and get slightly less sleep when he came back later? So you get your half hour chat and hug and he gets his walk which enables him to support you better? Especially when the course of action you both chose led to you being up much later anyway.

That said, I wonder about him needling you. Sometimes people when they are required to show empathy will deliberately pick a fight to create distance and I find that behaviour disgusting.

I also disagree with people telling the Op to find support in her friends. It’s great if she has friends who can support her - but her first port of call for emotional support should be her life partner. And if not there’s a massive issue.

Maybe I’m biased because frankly after years of being the therapist friend, I grew tired of dealing with women who let their husbands off the hook and leant on their “empathetic” female friends instead.

It doesn’t make sense to me - this man who is your main priority and greatest love in life (aside from your kids if you have any) should also be the one you call upon as your main support. Not your friends.

It feels like outsourcing husband duties to women.

It’s funny because I have a few married male friends. Not one of them have ever had to lean on me emotionally because their partners aren’t giving them enough support. They all get the support they need in hard times from their partners.

The only exception to that is one gay male friend whose partner is obviously a man, so I think we can see the pattern and what it’s telling us.

TDLR: too many men don’t step up emotionally for their partners and people normalise it!

Heaven forfend that we should be unfair to the unsupportive husband.

Sorry about your mum / after a stressful train journey he prob wanted some air and de compress

but you were awake when he got home and you said would talk in am

Why didn’t you chat then if awake

you are being a bit unfair to dh

and sadly no right to have time off if a mil died tho many companies will give compassionate leave tho possibly unpaid - which also isn’t going to help the financial situation

I don’t think the walking in itself is an issue but I think he sounds awful tbh.

Who is getting angry with their spouse for this sort of thing at a time like this? Like ffs. Letting her lie there all sad and anxious because she’s snapped at him. Needling at her because she doesn’t want to argue with him.

Nah. Horrible. He’s given her no grace whatsoever. He doesn’t even sound that interested.

You're not going to get optimal support from someone who is exhausted and stressed, so the 45 min walk to decompress is not unreasonable in itself.

Whether the overall work/ stress load is reasonable is a different question and there's not enough information here. If he is genuinely busy and stressed, that's difficult timing for you both. If he's a workaholic that hides behind presenteeism and doing extras then he could be unreasonable.

It sounds like you need to cast wider for support which is no bad thing anyway. If other friends/ family aren't avaliable, there are charities that can offer more specialised help.

Some years ago I had shock news of a younger family member dying by suicide just after DH had gone abroad for 2 weeks to an inaccessible country with difficult time difference. I didn't tell DH while he was away on one of our few brief calls as I didn't want to worry him while he was so remote and unable to support. I did end up sobbing and wailing over an aquaintance who just casually asked if I was alright (she took it well!). It was the 4th breavement of the year including shortly after MiL's. It's bloody hard but you will get through it.

He walked him, which is normally does. This is nothing like him going to the gym seconds after OP’s mother theoretically dies.

OP you’re going through a stressful time and you used it to lash out at your DH because you thought it would help and it hasn’t. You didn’t need to huff off to bed the second he came back, you could have had a 20 minute chat and gone to bed.
I really see no reason why he would assume you wanted him to get a taxi tonight when the general rule is he needs to walk to save money.

OP I’m sorry about your mum, I thought the fight regarding the walk home was abit daft until your update saying he won’t be off work if your mum passes? That’s surely not true he should do everything possible to be with you even for a few days. So now I’m thinking he has a form of being work/self oriented and that’s why the argument came up 😔

What a strange comment.

Of course it's not his fault OP's Mum is dying. But it is her H's fault if he doesn't realise the impact this is having on OP and not stepping up to give her the emotional support she needs at this truly difficult time.

Can we just get it straight what the husband knew about this situation; OP you say that by the time he got home- midnight - you'd normally be asleep. So I'm guessing it wouldn't be unusual for you to be asleep a mere half hour before that, which is what he's being dragged over the coals for. If there had been no communication that this night in particular was any different in that regard then it doesn't seem that heinous a crime for him to have walked back. You're both tired, stressed and upset and none of us are at our best in those situations. In time you'll see it from a different perspective. In the meantime I'd step away from MN because you're going to get a load of ridiculous suggestions that your husband not being a paragon of virtue is grounds for divorce, and you don't need that sort of nonsense right now.

What was the alternative to him walking? Running, flying? Perhaps you could have picked him up?

"We wouldn't have had very long to talk but we could have had a good 30 mins before bed. Instead I was upset that he prioritised his de-stress over talking to me. He is angry that I wasn't very nice to him when he got in. Instead of a nice chat we had a row and now I can't sleep (and really need it)."

Perhaps he is upset that you prioritized needing a talk and a hug over his de-stressing, and that's why he wasn't very nice to you. What's going on in his own life right now? How hard is his job? Realistically, how much has he got left to give? Is it possible he walked the 45 minutes home because he wanted to avoid that talk?

Do you have anyone else you can lean on aside from him? It's terrible about your mum; you yourself are going through the worst thing and really need support, but it doesn't sound like he can give it.