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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

139 replies

notsureifimunreasonable · 26/08/2026 19:24

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow.

Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one.

It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am.

I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

OP posts:
NoCommentingFromNowOn · 26/08/2026 20:54

Honestly, apart from your step daughter, what do you get out of this relationship? Because she’s not your daughter and you can be deleted from her life whenever her parents decide and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your partner is happy with this set up which very much benefits him but not you. This is a fast track to heartbreak for you. You’re convenient because you provide childcare but you don’t have a contract.

PinkyFlamingo · 26/08/2026 20:52

21stNightOfSeptember · 26/08/2026 19:32

Why are you parenting her more than her actual parents?

This says it all really!

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2026 20:50

nomas · 26/08/2026 20:48

I do most of the parenting

I think this should be a wake call that you’re devoting your life to someone who will ultimately never be your child.

If you and her father split, you will likely never see her again.

Yes, love your step-child but don’t sacrifice your career, free time, time with your family, hobbies and having your own children for someone else’s child.

This is absolutely right.

If they’re going to take the big good stuff her actual parents should be doing the rest of it. Use this as a reason to review the dynamic and step back.

nomas · 26/08/2026 20:48

I do most of the parenting

I think this should be a wake call that you’re devoting your life to someone who will ultimately never be your child.

If you and her father split, you will likely never see her again.

Yes, love your step-child but don’t sacrifice your career, free time, time with your family, hobbies and having your own children for someone else’s child.

lazyarse123 · 26/08/2026 20:47

Could you do her a special first day back tea or breakfast if she's with you for either of those? Lucky girl having someone extra who cares for her.

Morepositivemum · 26/08/2026 20:44

yanbu but a child will want their mum and dad. Separation must be hell for kids in that respect but it’s not fair on the step parents to not be seen as being wanted there. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t appreciate or like or even love you, she just wants her mum and dad to see her at her first day of school

LaurieFairyCake · 26/08/2026 20:39

Why are you parenting her more than her mum ?

CamillaMcCauley · 26/08/2026 19:37

21stNightOfSeptember · 26/08/2026 19:32

Why are you parenting her more than her actual parents?

This.

I’m very much of the school of Nacho Step-parenting but in a case where both parents have abandoned their responsibilities and a step-parent is doing the majority of the actual parenting, YANBU to want to be there.

What’s the backstory on why neither parent can be bothered parenting?

muggart · 26/08/2026 19:37

Seems like a very odd setup! hope you aren’t being exploited.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 26/08/2026 19:36

I think you need to say to your partner you feel pushed out. Why can’t
you go aswell?

LauritaEvita · 26/08/2026 19:33

Seems strange that you are the primary parent. Why do you have her more than her own mother and father?

21stNightOfSeptember · 26/08/2026 19:32

Why are you parenting her more than her actual parents?

BudgetBuster · 26/08/2026 19:30

Why aren't you welcome?
Could you be there to pick her up instead?

Castolaya · 26/08/2026 19:27

You are definitely not being unreasonable, they are, but as you are left being the bigger person I’m really sorry that you are experiencing this.