AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

I actually don’t get the ‘obviously’ on this. Whoever normally does the drop off on the week day that the first day falls should do the drop off. Both parents don’t need to be there and this isn’t something I see at my kids’ school.

how come your DP has her the majority of the time? I really do wonder are you being used. As others say, children as they get older always tend to prefer their parents so you’re at risk of getting pushed out either if the mum steps up more, or your DP leaves (although he may not want to give up his free childcare, which of course also enables him to avoid maintenance while not actually carrying out any parenting. Does the mum pay maintenance?)

I always think it's such a shame when there is conflict.

My youngest is 20 now and her step mum has been in her life since she was 6. I've never met her (exh has made sure that never happened).

But even though my daughter is an adult now, she's known her stepum since she was 6 and I wouldn't stand in the way of her being at any important event if my daughter wanted her there.

However, schools quite often limit the number of adults attending first days at school due to overwhelm for the children and to keep it manageable and safe. In that situation, I think it would be right her actual parents are the ones to be there.

It's also completely unfair on the child if it happens

It doesn’t have to be the mum. If the OP’s partner ends the relationship for any reason, she will never see this child again. She shouldn’t be doing most of the parenting for all kinds of reasons.

Absolutely this. My sister absolutely fell for her partner’s children, despite never having wanted children herself. She adored them and did a huge amount of the parenting when they were with her/their dad. When he dumped her (out of the blue, affair), he did it while they were at their mum’s, and would not even let her say goodbye to them. They were too young to have their own phones and relations with their mum weren’t good, so the handovers took place on neutral territory, and my sister had no way of getting in touch with them. She never saw them again. She was heartbroken for a long time. I think she grieved them far more than the relationship.

She’s now very happily with someone else, but has been much more hands-off with his children.

He works nights and she's staying with you while he's at work? Seems an odd setup as a permanent structure. Why wouldn't she just stay with her mom and go to your house when your partner is actually around to see her?

Anyway, still no reason why you wouldn't be there on her first day. Who told you that you're not allowed?

If you and your partner split up, you'd have no right to ever see your SD again, and probably wouldn't. I've seen it happen multiple times.

It's not a secure situation for either of you, as at any moment you could disappear from her life forever - and you'd have spent years parenting a child you never see again, while she'd lose an important emotional attachment to an adult.

Generally, it's really not a good idea for you to be the primary caregiver during her dad's custody time, when she's meant to be spending time with her dad and not being fobbed off on his partner. It's negative for both you and her. He should be parenting his daughter, not the woman he's living with.

I think there have been some fair responses. However, I will say that ultimately a child craves their own parents love and attention more than other caring grown ups. There’s a very deep identity-linked security that comes from knowing they are there supporting you. My point is that, ultimately, she will truly want them there over others. They are what are in her best interest.

This was my colleagues exact situation right up until the mother came swanning back into the kids life and she was pretty much cut out of it.

Exactly this! She’ll know xx

You're the one reading her bedtime stories and getting cuddles. Who puts a plaster on her knee when she falls over, who knows she likes semi-skimmed not full-fat milk.

You're a mum and you love her. And I'm sure she loves you.

That rings about a million alarm bells for me. This child is only in your life because of the relationship you’re in. If that ends, you will no longer see her. It makes absolutely no sense to sacrifice your relationship for a child who is only in your life because of that relationship, and almost never seeing your partner would jeopardise any relationship.

You’re putting far too much effort into a child that isn’t yours if you feel ‘pushed out’ on the first day of school. I’d see it as a warning about being over-invested. If you broke up, her actual parents would have to figure it out.

im sorry op but the phrase “nanny with a fanny” comes to mind.

who told you not to go?

is it possible your husband is with his ex at night and youre a secret or something, na i take that back, hed never have time to work and earn money…..

something doesn’t seem right though. why are you the one making arrangements to parent his child? yet unwelcome at family “events” like first day of school?

I'm sorry that you feel pushed out but they sound like idiots. Why is the first day back of the second year of school a big thing? I mean most people take a quick photo by the front door saying back to school, and they have been fun to look back on now that my eldest has finished school but really first day back for anything other than the first day of reception doesn't require both parents to be present. Pretty sure my own kids would've gone to breakfast club anyway. I think they are making it an issue...maybe the Mum is being an idiot because she feels insecure that you are there more than here. Let her get on with it. Kids are smart, they know who puts in the effort for them!

First day of second year of school isnt really that big a deal.

I can't understand why you shouldn't go too, if the mum is ok with you doing so much. Completely understand if you don't want to go into the backstory, but unless the mum blames you for the break up (and in that case, presumably wouldn't want you near SD), I can't see why she shouldn't let you go too.
What have they said? If nothing else, from a purely practical view, it's good to have anyone who'll be doing pick up ever getting to know the situation (there's often quite a lot of adults walking in with one child on day one)

I would let this go because if you are putting the work in, you do not need to be at the first day of school to know your someone who shows up regularly and consistently in her life.

Why are you doing more parenting for your step-daughter than her father does? Have you spoken to him about feeling left out when you do pretty much all the childcare for his daughter?

Who normally does the drop-offs and pick ups to and from school?