Page 4 | AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

notsureifimunreasonable · 2026-08-26T18:24:58+00:00

Stepdaughter (6) starts her second year of school tomorrow. Mom and dad obviously want to be there, but I'm not welcome. Even though we have her most of the time, and I do most of the parenting. Been in her life since she was one. It's not really an AIBU, because I know I am. I know these moments are reserved for parents, it's just hard when you put in so much work (willingly, she's great - and I'm there more than DP with her) but don't get to be there for the special moments. I know I'm being unreasonable, but any stepmom advice would be great 🥰

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:48

DontGoChasinWaterfalls · 28/08/2026 12:35

My best friend had both her mum and her stepmum at her graduation — her dad, however, wasn’t welcome 😅

I’m very much of the view that if my daughter has another adult in her life who genuinely cares for her, supports her and keeps her safe, whether that’s my partner or my ex’s partner, I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of them sharing important moments with her.

I can understand that there may be some insecurity for a mum around feeling replaced, but ultimately she is still Mum, and her daughter will know that. Another loving adult being present doesn’t diminish that relationship.

You sound very understanding - I know it's hard - but it seems like you have her best interests at heart. Adults can be fickle!

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Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:46

BudgetBuster · 28/08/2026 12:38

Yes, obviously you live together. But I get the feeling (and I think you're starting to realise it too) that you live together because he needs someone to take care of his kid.

How often is she with her actual mother? I'm not sure it is in anyone's best interests if Mom hardly sees her (and you slag her off), Dad hardly sees her and you an unrelated 3rd party look after her but don't have the gusto to go to the school.

Also, sounds like Dad also just showed up for the Insta pic so I'd start looking closer to home instead of flagging mum off so much (I say this as a stepmother).

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Yeah you're probably right - I'm convenient.

I'd never slag her off - I'm sorry if came across that way - she's her mom and I make Mother's Day and Birthday cards for her to bring back. I'm not her mom - I know that - and I'll always talk positively to her about her mom.

She's with her 2 days a week.

Dad wasn't in the pic - just Mom because they're (obviously) separated. It was his day so he was going to be there regardless.

And it's not, not having the gusto - I just don't want to piss anyone off.

Yes - I see now, I'm a wet wipe.

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Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:40

ThisIsJustShit · 28/08/2026 12:37

I dont know why you think I was cut out. My daughter lives with me (well, shes at university now) but also had a good relationship with her dad and step mum who are both important people in her life.

Her step mum is welcome to anything if my daughter wants her there thats all.

However, on reading your most recent posts, i'm inclined to agree with others that you're being taken advantage of!

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That's great that you all had a functional relationship :)

You sound like a very reasonable mom who just wants the best for her daughter.

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BudgetBuster · 28/08/2026 12:38

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:12

We live together - so not that odd :)

Mom not overly interested and she's happier here, so in her best interests (maybe not mine from some of the feedback, which is great) to be with us (me).

She felt it would be inappropriate.

But reading the very helpful replies, I get school day one is not a big deal - I get all the hugs and snuggles and bedtime stories and that's what matters.

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Yes, obviously you live together. But I get the feeling (and I think you're starting to realise it too) that you live together because he needs someone to take care of his kid.

How often is she with her actual mother? I'm not sure it is in anyone's best interests if Mom hardly sees her (and you slag her off), Dad hardly sees her and you an unrelated 3rd party look after her but don't have the gusto to go to the school.

Also, sounds like Dad also just showed up for the Insta pic so I'd start looking closer to home instead of flagging mum off so much (I say this as a stepmother).

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:38

Lemondressese · 28/08/2026 12:29

OP, you really are the kind free au pair and spectacularly naive to boot.
If you were my daughter I would be appalled that you feel this is all you deserve.

Get some therapy as your self esteem must be on the floor to think this is all you deserve.

You are 100% being used.

If you doubt it.
Tell him you are going to stay with your family for a month.
His first thought will be childcare, you can bet on it.

You are wasting years on being free childcare for him and the Instagram mother.

Naive and aware of it.

You're so right. If I did that the panic would rightly set in!

I actually haven't taken any of my 25 days annual leave so far this year - so that's a great idea

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MsPrufrockk · 28/08/2026 12:37

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:28

Mom is young and enjoys a certain lifestyle that doesn't take a boisterous child into account.

Dad works odd hours - but is there to be the 'fun guy'.

The more responses I get, the more ridiculous I feel.

I have a full time job, work around his kid, never see him... am I blind?

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I'm glad you're starting to see things more clearly x

ThisIsJustShit · 28/08/2026 12:37

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:07

That is a very fair point - and look, I'm there for other special moments - I need to get over it.

I'm sure it was hard for you being cut out like that. But at the same time, I can see it from your/her point of view - and that must be difficult.

Although lovely your daughter had more people to love her <3

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I dont know why you think I was cut out. My daughter lives with me (well, shes at university now) but also had a good relationship with her dad and step mum who are both important people in her life.

Her step mum is welcome to anything if my daughter wants her there thats all.

However, on reading your most recent posts, i'm inclined to agree with others that you're being taken advantage of!

DontGoChasinWaterfalls · 28/08/2026 12:35

My best friend had both her mum and her stepmum at her graduation — her dad, however, wasn’t welcome 😅

I’m very much of the view that if my daughter has another adult in her life who genuinely cares for her, supports her and keeps her safe, whether that’s my partner or my ex’s partner, I wouldn’t want to stand in the way of them sharing important moments with her.

I can understand that there may be some insecurity for a mum around feeling replaced, but ultimately she is still Mum, and her daughter will know that. Another loving adult being present doesn’t diminish that relationship.

Sartre · 28/08/2026 12:32

What is in this relationship for you exactly? You prop up their selfish lifestyles with free childcare. Sure, you care about the child which is lovely of course but she isn’t your child and ultimately, this is the first of many situations where mum will want to play perfect instagram mum so you’ll be shoved out. Just leave and find someone without children, way less drama and hassle.

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:30

OtterlyAstounding · 28/08/2026 12:27

You sound obsessed with cuddling your partner's daughter, OP, you've mentioned it such a lot

Should this be genuine, then for her sake, I hope you and your partner don't split up. But given you have no legal relationship to her, you can't expect to be at parental events.

Ah I don't instigate it, you know at that age they crawl all over you - poke you in the eyes for fun. I feel like a climbing frame sometimes, but it's never initiated by me

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Lemondressese · 28/08/2026 12:29

OP, you really are the kind free au pair and spectacularly naive to boot.
If you were my daughter I would be appalled that you feel this is all you deserve.

Get some therapy as your self esteem must be on the floor to think this is all you deserve.

You are 100% being used.

If you doubt it.
Tell him you are going to stay with your family for a month.
His first thought will be childcare, you can bet on it.

You are wasting years on being free childcare for him and the Instagram mother.

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:28

CamillaMcCauley · 26/08/2026 19:37

This.

I’m very much of the school of Nacho Step-parenting but in a case where both parents have abandoned their responsibilities and a step-parent is doing the majority of the actual parenting, YANBU to want to be there.

What’s the backstory on why neither parent can be bothered parenting?

Edited

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Mom is young and enjoys a certain lifestyle that doesn't take a boisterous child into account.

Dad works odd hours - but is there to be the 'fun guy'.

The more responses I get, the more ridiculous I feel.

I have a full time job, work around his kid, never see him... am I blind?

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Marierosa · 28/08/2026 12:27

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 26/08/2026 20:54

Honestly, apart from your step daughter, what do you get out of this relationship? Because she’s not your daughter and you can be deleted from her life whenever her parents decide and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your partner is happy with this set up which very much benefits him but not you. This is a fast track to heartbreak for you. You’re convenient because you provide childcare but you don’t have a contract.

I agree.

OtterlyAstounding · 28/08/2026 12:27

You sound obsessed with cuddling your partner's daughter, OP, you've mentioned it such a lot

Should this be genuine, then for her sake, I hope you and your partner don't split up. But given you have no legal relationship to her, you can't expect to be at parental events.

Comeonbabylightmyaga · 28/08/2026 12:27

Do something special together after school instead.

Children really don’t care about all that first day stuff.

curious79 · 28/08/2026 12:26

I'm a stepmum. There are just occasions when you need to gracefully step back and let children and their bio parents (however absent or present) be the star. Kids instinctively gravitate towards their bio parent too, and that can rub after many many years. But you save yourself a lot of heartache by viewing yourself as more of a sideshow or kindly aunt (yes despite ALL the very good and dedicated work you do).

I would suggest you find your own way to celebrate said child's new school start. Gift her a lovely pencil case? Make her her favourite meal? Treat her to icecream after school once day (and doesn't need to be the first day).

You don't need to be at the school gate but how about a picture of you and her in her new uniform?

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:24

LauritaEvita · 28/08/2026 12:21

Ahh yes, I know a dad who is like this. Doesn’t do any drop offs or pick ups throughout the year but is sent by his mum (kid’s nan) to things like first days to get the pics so she can pretend to her extended family that her son is an involved dad.

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Mental! Sad - kinda

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Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:23

lazyarse123 · 26/08/2026 20:47

Could you do her a special first day back tea or breakfast if she's with you for either of those? Lucky girl having someone extra who cares for her.

That's a great idea :)

And she has my parents too, who dote on her - so lots of love in her life.

I don't post on social media - so the fact that she felt the need to turn up just to post a photo makes me realise the insanity of it all - I get the cuddles :)

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LauritaEvita · 28/08/2026 12:21

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:19

It was his day - she insisted on being there for the 'Insta pic'

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Ahh yes, I know a dad who is like this. Doesn’t do any drop offs or pick ups throughout the year but is sent by his mum (kid’s nan) to things like first days to get the pics so she can pretend to her extended family that her son is an involved dad.

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:20

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 26/08/2026 20:54

Honestly, apart from your step daughter, what do you get out of this relationship? Because she’s not your daughter and you can be deleted from her life whenever her parents decide and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your partner is happy with this set up which very much benefits him but not you. This is a fast track to heartbreak for you. You’re convenient because you provide childcare but you don’t have a contract.

Mom? :)

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Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:19

LauritaEvita · 28/08/2026 12:12

I actually don’t get the ‘obviously’ on this. Whoever normally does the drop off on the week day that the first day falls should do the drop off. Both parents don’t need to be there and this isn’t something I see at my kids’ school.

It was his day - she insisted on being there for the 'Insta pic'

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IrishPenguin · 28/08/2026 12:19

This seems to be with the terriotory of being a step-parent. It might be hard to stomach but it is the way it goes, her mum will precedence in events like this especially as she is a young child. I would recommend you get your own first day pics..a special breakfast /evening school meal. You can be there for the first day celebrations albeit not at the school gate for harmony

Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:18

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 28/08/2026 12:15

You mean he's lucky surely?

Without you he couldn't do such an unsuitable shift pattern.

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He couldn't. I've worked everything around them. And I love them both - but I'm getting a few good hard truths here. Thank you

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Original poster

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 12:17

Puppalicious · 28/08/2026 12:11

how come your DP has her the majority of the time? I really do wonder are you being used. As others say, children as they get older always tend to prefer their parents so you’re at risk of getting pushed out either if the mum steps up more, or your DP leaves (although he may not want to give up his free childcare, which of course also enables him to avoid maintenance while not actually carrying out any parenting. Does the mum pay maintenance?)

As a previous poster said (and my mother) 'Nanny with a fanny'. I'm aware - but maybe naive.

She's with us most of the time because it's the best place for her to be. She doesn't want to go to her mom's house. She doesn't get maintenance - but gets all the government grants going!

Mom won't stand up - happier to take the benefits, do f all and have an easy ride.

He could easily leave, but I'm a bit too convenient. Crikey - typing that out is a big red flag in itself!

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AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 28/08/2026 12:15

notsureifimunreasonable · 28/08/2026 10:02

He works nights and I'm lucky I can wfh 3 days a week to be with her. Not an ideal setup - we rarely see each other either, but I love that my job gives me flexibility to be there.

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You mean he's lucky surely?

Without you he couldn't do such an unsuitable shift pattern.