AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

I think the other posters moreso meant that while the OP does all the Mummy things, that can be ripped away at any point.

Bitter?

The girl spends most of her time at the DF & SM's house and she's been in her life since the child was 1.

Bitter mum alert!

Rose tinted glasses alert. She's not her mum or stepmum, she's her fathers girlfriend.

Would he have his kid 5 days a week if you weren't around?

Sorry if I've missed your age but you do sound quite young. You're obviously thrilled to be bringing up your partners kid but hopefully the responses on here will show you that you're being completely used.

How long did you know your partner before you moved in?

Did he ask you to take care of his kid or did he spring it on you?

Did he have her 5 days a week before you turned up?

These are all important questions.

I think you can get parental responsibility orders from the court. You are de facto the primary carer. It wouldn’t give you a right to attend the first day of school, but it would give you the right to be a named contact at school and the GP, to take her on holiday and, in the event of separation, maintain your role as her primary carer.

If he always puts his ex first you are being set up for a lifetime of not being allowed to attend her graduation, being relegated to a table at the back of the room for her wedding (if ex doesn't kick off about you going at all), not being seen as a 'real' grandma to her babies. Assuming your relationship lasts that long. What happens if she gets to be a teen and he figures that he doesn't need childcare now and therefore you? You deserve a partner who truly loves you, puts your interests ahead of an ex and a chance to have your own children if that's what you want in the future. Sorry, I know this sounds really harsh and blunt, but no one here wants to see you get screwed over.

@notsureifimunreasonable you sound great.

But I do think your partner needs to see clearly exactly what you do for him. You’re not the default parent, or shouldn’t be.

Please take some time for yourself to figure this stuff out. And don’t let anyone paint that as you ‘not being their for child’ etc.

Yanbu. You should all be able to put any animosity to the side for it so SD can have you all there.

Back right off. Appreciate this is not your child and you have no rights to see her and stop providing the parents with freebies. They won’t need you as childcare once she’s at secondary school.

Don't do drop offs or pick ups or extra things. See how that affects your relationship when you’re not cheap labour, and reassess.

A good relationship will survive you backing right away, and her dad will step up while appreciating everything you’ve done so far.

I'm (if I can say so) very productive at my job, and can balance both very manageably - but I guess, reading here, I shouldn't have to.

Your workplace can sack you if they have anything about it in their contracts.

But your 'stating facts' were all in a very negative light. Believe me, I get it. I dislike my SS mother and its taken me a long time and a lot of sould searching to reign in the negativity. Just because it's not a direct comment on her parenting style... its still flagging her off. And things liek this can ACCIDENTALLY come out around your SD without you even realising.

It was his day to drop. But does he always drop her to school... or do YOU do it mostly?

And just because the kids biological mother (who is very part time) wanted to go, absolutely does not put you on the backfoot. If you are determined to do majority of the parenting then you need to be a little more stern in the rewards you get to reep! Absolutely no reason all 3 of you couldn't be there.

I get all the hugs and snuggles and bedtime stories and that's what matters

Yes but you do realise you have no right to this? If dad gets his head turned at work, or if he takes the hump because you use some of your A/L to go away, or if you get fed up of cooking Sunday lunch with no thanks given, then he can decide that you will never see this child again. You can then consult a solicitor who will charge you money to say ‘tough shit’. You have no legal rights at all, and saying things like ‘oh well, she knows who reads her stories and I get the best cuddles’ is breathtakingly naive.

He could decide by 6pm today that you’re out and will never see her again. No goodbye, no ‘here’s my number’, nothing. Just like the poster talking about her sister up the thread.

And the more you do for her, the more attached you both get, the more reliant she is on you, the more you centre her to be your world, the harder it will be. You might still be there for her when she is graduating but it’s all very dependent on other people, and nothing to do with your bond with each other.

Plenty of us have received advice and made very tough decisions because of it.

It may take months, or even years, of reading and posting, but once you start to see things through other people's eyes the blinkers can really come off.

Good luck OP, stepmums are the antichrist on MN!
In all seriousness though, step parenting is a thankless task. I suggest you set clear boundaries now with your DH moving forwards. If he wants you to parent his child then he doesn't get to cherry pick what part of her life you can be involved with in the future.
You are not free childcare at the biological parents convenience. Either take a massive step back with the care of DSD or accept that you will be 'used' to their advantage forever more with absolutely zero say in anything!

Lots of posts with similar themes, yes. Because generally people don't post unless there is an underlying issue.

I am a stepmother. My SS is here 50/50. We also have other kids. Our wills are explicit (all kids are treated equally - however this is only since marriage, prior my SS only briefly was named in my will). My husband also has in place that should he become incapacitated or die, I take over his guardianship rights. Again, this is only since marriage.

My DH works flexible hours (therefore earning less than me) as he needed to do so for childcare reasons when my SS was younger. This has gone on now to include our younger kids but I contribute more financially as working more hours.

I obviously treat my SS as my own, buy him clothes, cook his meals, do his laundry etc. But I am not the primary caregiver for him. If he was sick my husband would be taking off. For medical appointments or schooling etc I am 3rd on his emergency contact list (his stepfather is 4th purely because I am around longer).

You can absolutely love this little girl and do all the normal parenting things... but you shouldn't be doing the majority. Her father should. And if that means he works a different job so be it.

Absolutely no disrespect to the important rôle you have here, but I’m amazed this shareout of the child between her parents is even legal!
In effect neither of them sees her very much at all. She’s certainly not in her father’s care the majority of the time, as would be the claim, so her fleeting visits to her mum constitute most of her ‘bio childcare’.
( I’d not be at all surprised if the law considers a father’s handy girlfriend as legally an extension of him, so he can be missing 100% of the time so long as she is present!)
I join others in feeling that you could do much better, with far less exploitation, were you single. They saw you coming!

A few things screaming at me - firstly that you are wfh and doing childcare at the same time. Most employers do not allow this - you can't focus fully on your job and a child. So you could be threatening your own employment security to mind a child that's not even yours.
Secondly, this was dad's day and he did nothing to protect your interests. You are good enough to do all his childcare and instead of saying to mum that you do virtually all the childcare and so you will be there, whether she agrees or not, he just threw you under the bus and let mum dictate the terms!
This isn't a man who has your best interests at heart.
And finally, you have upended your whole life to support his (and by extension, his lazy arse ex's as well) and you aren't even married to this man. You have absolutely no rights to this child that you've poured all your love into. You must protect yourself and start putting what's best for you first.

I know I'm very different now, in my 40s, to the 'wet wipe' I was in my 20s and early 30s 😂and would't put up with being used, neglected, or abused. And most of my friends, even the younger ones, also no longer put up with these types of using, useless men. Give it a generation or two and I hope these type of posts will be few and far between.

I'd never slag her off
That's all you've done on this thread tbh about the mother

It was his day so he was going to be there regardless.
Was he going to be there regardless? Because you've said that you do most of the parenting. So surely YOU would have been there regardless?

And it's not, not having the gusto - I just don't want to piss anyone off.
So nobody actually told you not to be there? You just didn't go...?