AIBU stepmom feeling pushed out

We are really trying to be kind here to you.
Hard to read I bet.
But you are being so used.
I have seen, read and heard of stories like yours.
Years of free childcare and often you are completely disposable as the child no longer requires intensive minding.

You are 100% a convenience.
Your childcare is worth thousands.

In the course of a simple conversation a few years from now, your relationship could be over and you will never see that child again.

Anyone who uses you like that isn't seriously in love with you.

You are the good enough for now girl, with the convenient job, that shares the bills, AND gives free childcare.

I'm so sad for you, and I don't know you.

Take your full leave, make up shit that you need to go home, for family reasons

See carefully how he reacts.
Does he give a damn or is it all how it will impact him and the ex, and your free skivvy aupair duties?

Get counselling asap.
This is no way to allow yourself to be used.

Is he on the birth certificate?

I’m sorry you feel pushed out put your initial post made it sound like her father has the majority of custody but your comment says 3 days a week meaning her mother has her 4 days, so she’s not with you both majority of the time and also, she should be with her father for them 3 days not with you, and I’d be making that clear to him going forward.

Aren’t you his common-law partner? You are not just his girlfriend.

It’s a shame when it turns out children are more lovable than their fathers.

Yes, we have her agreement in legal form. Similarly if anything we're to happen to her, her husband would have the same rights.

Tbh we don't get along at all, but we all realised that this is in the best interests of DSS, who also has siblings on either side. He has actively stated that if anything ever happened he'd still like to be 50/50 - although he's a teen now and I've no doubt that might not always be the case.

But you absolutely can have it documented in yiur will who you want to take over yiur guardianship, this is then brought to the courts when needed and signed off unless the other party has legitimate reasons against. At least in Ireland anyway

It absolutely could be. Which would be sad. But that doesn't invalidate the love between her and SD.

You are very astute to have picked up on that!

In the United States, being listed on a birth certificate establishes legal paternity, but whether it automatically grants custody or guardianship rights depends on whether the parents are married and the laws of the specific state.

You are just free labour.

You are just free labour.

Exactly this! I don’t even understand why both parents want to be there. They're making far too big a deal of it.

You must not be in the UK if that’s the case. If someone is on the birth certificate, then they have PR automatically. The mum would have had to take him to court to get PR removed - even rapists in prison still have PR!

OP, I’m sorry love, but you are being used big time.

You sound like a lovely person, a great mum.

Go do yourself a favour, go find a childless man and create your own family with you as the mum. You’ll be great at it.

I’m sure it would be hard to leave the child, but she’s not yours and they can take her away at any time.

Every year you are with him, is another year wasted when you could create your own family.

How do you know she’s happier when she’s at your house?
Also, the first day of the school year isn’t a social event or a milestone to be celebrated and it doesn’t need an audience!

I think that being on the birth certificate gives automatic PR for the child.

Re pp, I don't think a parent can bequeath custody rights to their partner. A partner has no automatic PR - if a parent dies, the other parent assumes full custody. If someone has put that in their will, they should talk to their solicitor because unless the other parent has lost their parental rights, I just can't see how this would be legal.

The father does not have legal guardianship -was that because he and the Mom were never married? Confused as to why he wouldn't be.

Your husband’s will specifies guardianship will go to you in the event of his incapacitation or death? Was this signed of by the child’s mother? I don’t believe you can legally allocate guardianship to a third party without the agreement of the other biological parent.

OP, I lived with a man who's two son's lived with him permanently and saw their Mum EOW. My ex partner's job, meant he started around 6 am and his finish time varied. I was the primary parent, not my ex or their Mum. If I hadn't been for me, my ex couldn't have stayed in his role at work, because it didn't fit in with his children.

Unfortunately, I found out the hard way, what happens when you're the primary parent to children who aren't biologically yours, and the relationship ends. My ex cheated (numerous times) and ultimately I had to leave, and that meant leaving his two son's who I absolutely adored.

I never saw the boys again. I had no legal right to see them. They are now grown adults in their 30's, and we did get back in contact via social media in recent years. On a personal level, having to leave the boys, devastated me, and it took me a long time to recover emotionally. I made a decision, that when I started dating again, I wouldn't date a man with children. I didn't want to go through similar again.

I am much older and wiser these days. I can see when I look back, that I was a 'nanny with a fanny'. My ex wanted someone to look after his children, and I was the stupid idiot who fell for his scheme.

Be careful OP. Don't end up being nothing more than a convenience.