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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

641 replies

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

OP posts:
Holdinguphalfthesky · 27/08/2026 08:26

it feels impossible to speak to him. If I say I’m upset, he says he’s the bad guy again, tells me he can see my perspective but doesn’t agree with it, mock how I speak. It feels like a trial… he will say you’ve just said X, and if I say what I meant was bla bla bla, he says well that’s not what is meant by X. Then the next day he’ll act normal again and if I don’t speak he says I’m carrying on bad feeling and I’m never happy.

Seriously, people like this are pro level manipulators. You can go to them with a genuine and reasonable complaint and end up apologising for making them feel bad. It’s like that saying about playing chess with a pigeon, he’ll ignore all the pieces and shit all over the board. He will ignore anything you say because his aim is always, always to make you be wrong- it doesn’t matter what about, he needs to keep you on the back foot and apologising.

I imagine he also has a spiteful and vindictive streak (evidenced by him mocking you) and would urge you to be careful. If you decide to leave (please leave!) then don’t give him any warning, and do take anything that is important or precious to you. And don’t expect him to play fair.

Forton26 · 27/08/2026 08:26

He is gaslighting you. He is manipulating you and his mum is helping him. This is not a relationship. YOU are evidently not happy and it seemed not allowed to even state it. I’ve not read every reply but all your posts and i’m sure it’s unanimous with what everyone’s telling you.

It’s also very telling why he was single after having two children. He probably as then 50/50 to avoid paying maintainance too….

AggroPotato · 27/08/2026 08:24

Please wake up OP. He is a gaslighting manipulative wanker. His mum is an enabler.

LEAVE.

PingoDome · 27/08/2026 08:24

Goodness, child, just leave him. What's stopping you agreeing with his (obviously correct) words that you aren't happy, find babysitting for the ungrateful dick a burden, and feel disconnected when he ignores everything you want?

Original poster
Turtleneckhead · 27/08/2026 08:22

Also during this argument this week, (on the week he doesn’t have the kids) he’s obviously had free time all day, which is fine. The beginning of the holidays I asked if he could load the dishwasher on days he was off, and if needed hang out washing, he said “now I’m some kind of house bitch doing all the housework”

because you have 9 hours of “me time” a day! Chores take about 45 minutes if that. I don’t get from work until late.

OP posts:
Bumcake · 27/08/2026 08:21

When I was your age I’d be out at gigs, restaurants and bars a couple of times a week - enjoying time with my husband and friends. The time for staying in with kids is when you’ve birthed one!

No decent father of two / three is out at a hobby three nights a week.

OhNoooooooooooooooo · 27/08/2026 08:21

Turtleneckhead · 27/08/2026 08:14

On the occasions I’ve done something on the night of his hobbies when his kids are with us, he’s got his mum to either come to our house and babysit or dropped the kids there. That made me feel guilty because his mum basically said you two should be working as a team and prioritising the children.

He does look after the kids mostly. But after they’ve gone to bed he’s either going out or on his computer. And I’ve tried to explain that I’d like time together, and his answer is we spent all day as a family. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love my stepkids, but it’s not the same as spending couple time together. My sister and her husband have their shared children and even she said they carve out couple time together, otherwise there’s no spark.

it feels impossible to speak to him. If I say I’m upset, he says he’s the bad guy again, tells me he can see my perspective but doesn’t agree with it, mock how I speak. It feels like a trial… he will say you’ve just said X, and if I say what I meant was bla bla bla, he says well that’s not what is meant by X. Then the next day he’ll act normal again and if I don’t speak he says I’m carrying on bad feeling and I’m never happy.

Hes a teacher yes at a secondary school.

Im 30, he’s 32. Kids are 6 and 7.

So tell me the good stuff about him....

arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2026 08:20

I am a little concerned that this man is likely a teacher. I cannot imagine he is any good whatsoever.

Firefly100 · 27/08/2026 08:20

Tell his mum she is wrong. The children have 2 parents and you are not one of them.

LogicVoid · 27/08/2026 08:19

He's not a good father. He's not a good husband. Why would you invest your life in this relationship? You are only 30! You deserve better. You can do better. Move on.

PyschodelicSoup · 27/08/2026 08:19

OP look up "emotional abuse" and narcissism it might help put context around what you experience with this poor excuse for a man and how you have ended up questioning yourself.

lessglittermoremud · 27/08/2026 08:19

Time to go…..
He should be staying in when it’s his children’s contact time.
He obviously had his first children fairly young and has moved on fairly quickly, possibly to enable him to continue to lead the life he wants by having you be there to look after them.
You’re not into gaming and he mocks you…
You’re only 30, please don’t stay another 10 years in the hope he changes, definitely don’t have a child with him.
You have one shot at life, he is making you miserable already, when someone shows you who they are, believe it.

Ohnobackagain · 27/08/2026 08:17

@Turtleneckhead he and his Mum need to find another person to force their opinions on. Please do yourself a favour and leave them to it. He gets paid to look after kids all day - you don’t.

Sereine · 27/08/2026 08:17

when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden

Tell him that, since they're not a burden, he will of course be happy to prioritise them over his hobbies and gaming from now on and you'll expect him to be there those evenings.

Rightsraptor · 27/08/2026 08:15

He's a manipulative wanker. Please leave now.

Original poster
Turtleneckhead · 27/08/2026 08:14

On the occasions I’ve done something on the night of his hobbies when his kids are with us, he’s got his mum to either come to our house and babysit or dropped the kids there. That made me feel guilty because his mum basically said you two should be working as a team and prioritising the children.

He does look after the kids mostly. But after they’ve gone to bed he’s either going out or on his computer. And I’ve tried to explain that I’d like time together, and his answer is we spent all day as a family. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love my stepkids, but it’s not the same as spending couple time together. My sister and her husband have their shared children and even she said they carve out couple time together, otherwise there’s no spark.

it feels impossible to speak to him. If I say I’m upset, he says he’s the bad guy again, tells me he can see my perspective but doesn’t agree with it, mock how I speak. It feels like a trial… he will say you’ve just said X, and if I say what I meant was bla bla bla, he says well that’s not what is meant by X. Then the next day he’ll act normal again and if I don’t speak he says I’m carrying on bad feeling and I’m never happy.

Hes a teacher yes at a secondary school.

Im 30, he’s 32. Kids are 6 and 7.

OP posts:
Whatbloodysummer · 27/08/2026 08:12

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

Sorry OP, but you are the living definition of 'A Nanny with a Fanny'.

He guilt trips you into staying home to watch his kids simply because he doesn't want to !

He spends all his 'free time' doing exactly whatever the hell he wants to, because YOU'RE the one he sees as responsible for childcare, regardless of them not even being your bloody kids!

He never wants to spend any time with you because he's not interested in doing that. You're a utensil, a necessity at home, so that he is free to do whatever he wants to without having to care for his OWN bloody kids!

The claptrap about you seeing his kids as a 'burden' is pure projecting on his part, because they're NOT your responsibility, they're HIS responsibility ffs!

He's relying on YOU to do all the 'childminding', while fucking off to his 'hobbies' and leaving you alone, but still stuck at home.

He's already living the life of a teenager.
He ignores you.
He dumps his responsibilities onto you.
He spends ALL his 'free time' doing what HE wants to do.
He belittles you.
He mocks you.
He does everything he can to make you feel small/guilty/selfish.

It's up to you whether this is the life you want, but I can guarantee you that if you 'down tools' and refuse to stay at home with his kids, he'll really get nasty, because what's the point of you, unless you're doing his work for him?

That's all he wants. He's not in love with you, and I actually doubt he likes you very much either. If he did, he'd actually be wanting to spend time with you and not shut himself off in a room playing video games ffs.

I think you'd be a whole lot happier dumping this manchild and finding yourself a partner who actually values you as a person, and not as a household appliance...

Hankunamatata · 27/08/2026 08:10

So he married you to mind his kids?

U have a baby, nothing will change. You will take child out by yourself while he does his hobbies and games and has zero interest

RtHonLadyMuck · 27/08/2026 08:10

@Turtleneckhead I will join several others in saying THIS IS COERCIVE CONTROL.

He bullies you into questioning your own thinking and imagining that everything is somehow your fault. It’s designed to make you feel helpless and powerless - but you are not.

PLEASE GET HELP. First off, speak to someone supportive to gain a sense of perspective and work out rationally what’s best to do. A charity like Women’s Aid or even your GP and of course any good friends or close family.

It would also likely be good to pack a bag and go stay with a good friend or family for a bit, so you have some space to get your head straight without him telling you what to think. Ultimately though I think you know what you have to do.

Good luck. I really hope it all works out for you and let us know how you go on x

BogRollBOGOF · 27/08/2026 08:09

Another LTB and joining the chorus pointing out that he is selfish and emotionally abusive.

He doesn't respect you and feels free to mock you. You're just there to babysit his existing offspring.

His misogynistic enabling mother can go in the bin too.

Absolutely DO NOT have a baby with him or you'll end up permanently trapped, or sharing them part-time with the next partner who's suckered in for child care.

You deserve much better than this man-child, and any children you have in the future deserve a better father.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 27/08/2026 08:07

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 21:50

I get so confused. I know you’re all right. But then when he speaks I feel like the unreasonable one. He said that playing games together is like watching a film together. And I said I don’t really like playing games and it’s not the same and then he said basically that ok you don’t think we’re connected that really hurts me, is all this a lie? I think we’re connected and you obviously don’t, it feels horrible.

and then I’m like am I being unreasonable, am I a total idiot for getting upset over a game? And then I read here and I’m like actually I’m not wrong.

I don’t even know what I think anymore

This is exactly what happens in coercive relationships. It’s sick levels of manipulation. As I said before, I still have responses that I learned in a relationship that ended over a decade ago, but when I finally left him I was actually a shell and down the line, ended up in a very dark place. I have no doubt that the mental health problems I had were exacerbated by having been manipulated and coerced and gaslighted. It’s useless trying to argue with them. You have to stick to ‘grey rock’ responses, have someone else with you when you discuss things. And never get into important stuff verbally. Get it written down. I mean legal stuff when you leave him (please leave him. He is actively harming you). Can you go now? See a solicitor about it. Take a step.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 27/08/2026 08:07

Oh, my God... OP, if you even consider having a child with a man like this, or if you think you may be the one in the wrong, or controlling, you have big issues. He's an absolute loser, and if you need help to see this, you're in trouble. You need to work on your self-esteem, get a divorce, and whatever he says or does, DO NOT go back to him. A man who plays video games and shares no time with you? A man whose dream day is playing video games for an entire day? OP, you must be very young, to even put up with this. Please grow up, get a move on, or your life will be hell for the next few decades.

Ilovemyfam · 27/08/2026 08:07

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

Bullying you over your stutter is enough to make me pack my bags.

However I am curious to know what his hobbies are. Does he ever try to invite you by suggesting a babysitter?

OneStepForwardsTenStepsBack · 27/08/2026 08:04

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband.

He’s not much of either. He doesn’t take care of you or his children’s needs. You’re a nanny with a fanny and he’s a sexist, selfish pig.

Leave him.

Firefly100 · 27/08/2026 07:59

What about this man’s behaviour makes you feel he will be a good parent to your children? Do you really think he will share an equal part of the load? Do you not think you will end up with even
more childcare as you are looking after your own anyway so can take his? He will just live his best life on your labour even more than he is currently. He is obviously not going to stay in at all. Does he do equal housework now? If he is off for 6 weeks that should be close to 100% atm. He dismisses your complaints, gaslights you that his children are your responsibility and basically runs away to game whenever he can. WHY would you choose this life?
Lastly, for god’s sake don’t have his baby if he behaves like this.