DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

No need to have a baby since you already have one.

There is no earthly reason your NVDH needs to go out that often and then game away his life. HE sired those children and he needs to be the one who takes care of them. When do you get to go out at night when the kids are there?

YANBU but he is BU, and he gives me the "ick" from across the pond.

Well - you’ve seen what he’s like as a father AND a partner, so at least you know what you’ll be getting if you have a baby with him.

If he changes he will maintain it for about 20 mins I reckon. But he’s more likely to moan about it all in a way that makes it clear he thinks children are the woman’s responsibility and revert to type.

my DD’s father (my EX) is like this - he also had two other kids and expected me to look after them on their days with us while he pissed off to do his hobbies. Was utterly livid when I declined and told him he needed to parent his children.

Someone above has said he doesn’t like you or his kids - that’s the sad truth. He needed certain things that allow him to look like he’s playing the part of father properly, but actually he’s completely outsourcing it to you.

Why are you looking after his children so he can swan about like a childless single man? How has it got to this? I am also a stepmother - and my DH does often take the piss - but this is not on in any way. They are his kids and you should be the one out having fun while they visit, because he should be bonding with them. Why do you want a child with this loser?

Perfectly put…..and I would add, get back on the pill or implant PDQ…x

What a joker!

I never usually comment on these type of threads but seriously OP, what are you thinking? He will never grow up. You cannot change him. He is treating you as free childcare and housekeeper. How much would it cost him if he had to pay for the services you provide? His hobbies will always come first and I'm sorry to say, you and the children he already has never will. Get out now before you have a child with this man.

Listen to everyone else saying FFS don’t have a baby with this man. What on earth has made you convinced that it is normal for you to be the one waiting around at home as the responsible adult while he disappears for 4 nights of the week? You can do much better.

Why did his previous relationship with his kids' mother break down?

So he dumps his kids on you 4 nights a week while he does his hobby. It doesn't matter that they are asleep when he goes out. He's showing you what his priorities are, the question for you is are you prepared to accept that this is how things will be going forward, even worst when you have kids of your own. What would happen if you wanted to do a hobby, see friends or go out on one of his hobby nights? Im guessing you would have to cancel your plans (you probably wouldn't make the plans in the first place) as his hobbies and gaming are his priority, not you and not his chidren.

So OP, what do YOU think the solution is here?

Because frankly, I can't see one for you anyway. He will be perma happy not to have to look after his kids, spend time with you, give you time for your own interests and so on.

So do you see a future where he will turn into Dad of the Year or something? Not to mention DH of the week!

He has you exactly where he wants you. Minding his children so he can be a permanent teenager pretending he is not a DH or a Dad. That's true isn't it?

If he is not challenged on any of this, he will rub his hands together and not believe his luck in entrapping you in all of this, just for his benefit, because let's face it, there's not much in it for you is there?

Pause TTC for now, then see if he realises what he's at by stating all the above. His reaction/response will be your signpost to the future.

Remember this phrase

"If he wanted to, he would"

He doesn't want to spend time with you. He will do the bare amount minimum to keep you sweet because you provide free domestic chores and babysitting services.

He's now got to a point where he "knows" you're a total mug, and therefore doesn't even have to pretend to like you that much any more.

If you confront him, he will panic and tell you what you want to hear or try to gaslight you. It won't be a lasting change because it's very difficult to fix a fundamental lack of respect for a person / women in general.

So either accept your life as an ignored and unpaid skivvy or kick the manchild into touch.

No more DC for this manchild, at least with you. You are not valued as a person, wife, nanny. ASAP leave him and get your life back on track.

This can't serious, surely? The only sensible answer is, run for the hills!

If my son was behaving like this to my daughter in law, I’d be absolutely crushed with guilt.

Please don’t have a baby with this moron!!
Is he at least doing all the housework and your tea on the table when you get home?? I’m on 6 weeks holiday too and DH who’s out the house 12 hours with work and commuting has literally not had to lift a finger all holiday!!

Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

No, you don't, OP. They're HIS kids. What would happen if you told him you had plans to go out and he'd have to bin off his hobby to actually be a dad? If you know he'd kick off angrily, what does that tell you? If you developed a hobby which meant leaving the house 4 nights a week, would he be OK with that? He's a selfish immature waste of space. Give him an ultimatum - he parents his own kids, he spends time saving your marriage instead of gaming and going out, or the marriage is over. He won't change though.

Wake up OP. He is showing you who he is and what he thinks of you. You are the nanny with a fanny - how can you be attracted to this man child?

If you have a child with him then you’ll be doing all the parenting while he plays video games. Then when baby is mobile, you’ll struggle to get baby away from daddy’s gaming.

He’s obviously not going to parent any child you have. (Handing a controller to your child is not playing with them)

How has he managed to con you into this setup with the older kids? Leave before you’re pregnant and forced to co-parent with a man who will get your child hooked on screens in no time at all.

Sounds like he behaves like a teenager pretty much every day already. Although thinking back, my teenage boyfriend was more responsible and romantic than this, so he’s not even as good as some actual teenagers.

Thank god you clocked this before you were saddled with him as the father of your child forever. Dump this loser and find someone who can look after himself and show care to you properly.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Pardon?

So what about your hobbies or meeting with friends or family?

When do you actually do any of these things?

How long have you been together?

I would not be TTC with someone who admits they are done with adulting and would like a more carefree life now (we all get to that stage btw but not when we have DC or are TTC!!)

THIS MAN DOES NOT LIKE YOU

He doesn't like his children either
He likely found the first person who would marry him to take over his adulting part of life. the things he doesn't want to do so he can do the bare minimum and then he can just act like a teenager perpetually

This is something that is not fixable
Do not have a child with this man baby

End it. The man won’t change. He’s already had a wife and kids and didn’t grow up. He won’t grow up for you. Do not have a baby with him.

I’d start off by telling him that from next week, you will not be available for his kids so he needs to stay home and look after them. And then start sorting yourself to move out.

What age are his kids and what kind of "hobby"? Are they put to bed early so he can go out? Won't they quickly age out of this arrangement as their bedtime will get later.

OP you are the only one accepting it is "obvious" you can't go out (4 night a week!) because you need to watch his children. Every one else thinks he should watch them himself. You would be kind and generous to watch them one night for him.

@Turtleneckhead we are all sincerely questioning why are you with him? Can you imagine a life opposite to what you currently have?

I actually didn’t read all of your post because I found it to depressing. I totally understand how depressed you must feel.

Only you can end it?

Oh dear op, you really need to rethink ttc with him as he’ll be a shit, lazy dad and you’ll be stuck doing everything. Good job he’s shown you who his is now before you have children.