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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants to be a teenager, no time for me… aibu?

641 replies

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 19:01

DH is off work for the 6 week holiday. I’ve had 2 weeks off where we went on holiday for a week and another pottering around. we are ttc and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship that live with us week on/week off.

DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.

Dhs other hobby is video games. On Saturday and Sunday he played on it all day, and I mean all day. This week his kids are on holiday with their mum so he’s had no responsibilities. Monday was our anniversary, he video gamed all day whilst I was at work, gave me my gift and card, and then went to do his hobby until 9:30pm.

Today when I arrived home from work, he said “let’s spend tonight in my office” (his office being where his computer games are). I feel so sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with me.

And then on our anniversary night he said “turtleneckhead, I want one day where I am a total teenager. I want to game all day until the early hours of the morning. No responsibilities, no having to come down for dinner. I’ll pay for you to go to a spa that day”

Aibu to think this is very incompatible behaviour with marriage? Or am I controlling?

OP posts:
aloris · 26/08/2026 20:59

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

If you won't limit your evenings for his children then YOU are treating them like a burden, but when HE won't limit his evenings for those same children (his own children!) he's NOT treating them like a burden???

I know you know his claim doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have to, because the goal isn't to convince you that you're wrong. The goal is to convince you you have no choice, if you want to stay married to him, but to put up with this behavior.

You are in a marriage where any time you point out the double-standard, it will be weaponized to make you feel bad about yourself and powerless to change it.

And he won't even spend time with you! What's the point of this really?

StressedOutPeanut · 26/08/2026 20:58

There's a term on mumsnet we use... you're a nanny with a fanny. Divorce.

Pinkflamingo10 · 26/08/2026 20:58

🤮
under no circumstances have a baby with this useless manbaby
you will be left holding said baby and also your stepchildren

PinkJ · 26/08/2026 20:58

You're nothing but childcare and housekeeper it seems, why would you want a child with him! 🧐, you seem last on his list of priorities, why do people settle for this kind of relationship, selfish bastard!

MNLurker1345 · 26/08/2026 20:57

@Turtleneckhead He is

  • gaslighting you
  • manipulating you
  • disrespecting you
  • using you
for starters.

And his mother is enabling him and guilt tripping you. How dare they?

On his ‘total teenager’ days will he start asking girls out also? I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Hobbies my foot. What time does he get back?

And to mock your stutter? OMG, we are all
livid!

Do you have someone you can call and tell them what is going on? You have no DC. Do
you both own your home? Do you rent? Is it
possible that you could walk out of their right now and stay with someone?

Or is he off doing his hobby and you are nannying?

carly2803 · 26/08/2026 20:57

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

you have married a full time teenager

divorce him now and run before you have kids with him - it WILL get worse!!!

Millytante · 26/08/2026 20:57

Bogofftosomewherehot · 26/08/2026 19:58

Seriously - what do you think your life will look like if you have a baby with him?

Do you expect him to miraculously change?

He's a class A dick and in your shoes my vagina would have shut up shop months ago, let alone TTC with him.

Stop looking after his kids. Go find your own hobby or social life.
Leave - as it ain't gonna get any better - ever.

Hear, hear! Get out now, while you still can.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/08/2026 20:56

What the actual fuck are you doing?

Self esteem is nowhere. Leave and don't look back!

Millytante · 26/08/2026 20:56

All these grown men, so many of them fathers too, whose main interest and real commitment is ‘hobbies’, just turn my stomach. (Even the bloody word revolts me in adults when applied to owt other than, say, embroidery or painting antique iron soldiers, etc!)

These types aren’t mature enough for a proper relationship, even without kids in the picture, I reckon.
I’d not flinch at a weekly footie/rugby etc sesh, a team sport involving physical activity and all that, and at least it (all being as it ought to be) doesn't infantilise the guys involved nor eat up the cash needed for kids’ school uniforms in purchasing ActionMan type ‘equipment’ (known as dolls or models to the rest of us, for horribly obsessive solo enjoyment)

Crucially for their partner, they will maintain a balanced attitude to just how much time is reasonably spent being unavailable, playing at your hobby, and still be able to call your relationship a partnership.
I reckon an inability to just spend the evening at home with various essential housework tasksw, and watching tv, pottering about, reading, studying, etc, indicates that the person really has not adjusted their little mind to partnered-up relationship at all.
In such circs I would skedaddle.

[I think anyone suffering a game-addicted partner’s obsession should read The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, by Philip K Dick.
That’ll shiver your timbers, as PKD uncannily anticipates (decades before the internet) just how much a fathoms-deep involvement in an imaginary world game will rot people brains.]

Luckydog7 · 26/08/2026 20:56

FFS HE 'knew what he was getting into' when HE had kids

HE is 'treating his children as a burden'

HE is 'being selfish'

FFS apparently you would 'stay in with my biological children' if you had any but somehow HE isnt expected to when they are HIS fucking ACTUAL biological kids!!

HE doesnt 'see his children as family' as he leaves them for thie dtep mother to look after.

HE is a CUNT who is thowing everything in your face to guilt you into doing what he wants do HE can do exactly what HE wants.

It will only get worse with your own child.

'well your at home anyway with the baby so you can look after ALL of the kids duing holidays'

'IM working my SUPER important job SUPPORTING you, so I NEED my rest so you can do ALL of the night wakings'

'Why is house such a mess you've been home ALL day!'

etc etc etc

BruFord · 26/08/2026 20:53

You can do SO much better than him @Turtleneckhead, he's awful.

The way he's treating you is unacceptable, get rid of him and please don't have a baby with him, he's not worth it.

Tahlbias · 26/08/2026 20:52

I would divorce him! He's using you as a child minder and for someone to imitate a stutter... 🤬 That's low!

Supporting2026 · 26/08/2026 20:52

Don't have kids with this guy. The issue is not him prioritising his kids over you, the issue is he prioritises himself over him and you. Hobbies/video games matter more than his duties as a parent, and so he dumps the responsibility on you as an unpaid babysitter (it is not your responsibility and they are not your kids - doing it on occasion is fine, doing it 4 nights a week because he can't skip his hobby is not). Can you imagine how much worse as a coparent he will be with kids you actually have parental responsibility for.

CaptainCalm · 26/08/2026 20:51

Of for goodness sake OP, you can’t be serious.

This man is a total waste of space. What on earth are you doing being with him. Absolutely DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN

The good news is that he is very clearly showing you who he is, what kind of father he will be. Act now before it’s too late. Do you have someone to confide in who can help you? I hope you can leave him and have a happier life

TwentyTwoLizards · 26/08/2026 20:51

I voted YABU to want to have a child with this man and YABU to stay in when his children are staying over, so that he can opt out of parenting for his hobby.

YANBU to think that the current set up is unworkable and that the relationship shouldn’t continue.

giggidygiggidygiggidy · 26/08/2026 20:51

What does he mean he wants one day as a teenager!?! The man is living his whole life as one already from what you’ve described!!

cmonspring · 26/08/2026 20:50

Oh op, it just gets worse!! He just wants you there as childcare his dcs! You don’t get any time for yourself and you’re not even their mum! Imagine what things would be like if you have children with this man, you’ll have to do everything on your own, all of the time.

LuckyPeonies · 26/08/2026 20:49

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

Get rid of him!! You deserve much, much better!!

Build5bear · 26/08/2026 20:49

Sorry typo. I meant how old are you x

Build5bear · 26/08/2026 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ClimbTheLadder · 26/08/2026 20:48

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 19:21

his kids are asleep when he goes out, I’m just in the house as they obviously can’t be left alone.

im more bothered about the time he spends on video games and as a poster mentioned, the complete lack of time he spends with me

Do you think he’ll stay home when they are older and have a later bed time?

He won’t, you’ve already established the pattern whereby you look after them and he acts like he’s single, in that inimitable Mumsnet phrase ‘you’re a nanny with a fanny’. If you have a baby with him you’re even more stuck being the solo parent at home.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 26/08/2026 20:48

Turtleneckhead · 26/08/2026 20:14

I find it very hard because posts on here and other forums say “you know what you were getting into when he had kids”, so when I first expressed that it wasn’t fair that I had to stay in when he went out, he basically told me that I was treating his children like a burden. That really hurt me, and I think it made me think that I was being selfish, and not cut out to he a stepmother. His mum also reinforced this and said I’d stay in with my biological children (if I had them), so I was already treating them differently.

DH also takes great offence when I tell him we hardly spend any time together. He asks me for example - if I say well you’re out doing your hobbies and then DSCs are here so we (understandably) don’t get much couple time… that becomes a “you don’t see my children as family. We spend time with the kids, that’s our time”.

He said to me that he is more than just a dad and a husband. I pointed out that he had days to do what he wanted, all I was asking for is a couple of hours in the evening. He said well you assumed I’d be playing a one player game but obviously I meant a two player game.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

Hes also just imitiated my stutter during an argument about this, so I’m sitting in the bedroom.

So I presume you're leaving him now? Because if not, what in the actual fuck is wrong with you? Ignore everything else. He just took the piss out of your speech impediment. There is surely no way you can even consider coming back from that, right?

Anyahyacinth · 26/08/2026 20:47

You are being used. His DM created this monster …yuck yuck yuck

Ohnobackagain · 26/08/2026 20:46

And his Mum is a CF as well @Turtleneckhead

Ohnobackagain · 26/08/2026 20:46

Holdinguphalfthesky · 26/08/2026 19:10

YABU to say that “DH has hobbies in the evenings on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays. Obviously on those days on the weeks his kids are here I have to stay in and make sure there’s an adult in the house.” When does he do any parenting of his kids?

He will expect you to do all the adulting for him in his life. Do you want that?

I’m guessing he’s a teacher, but he doesn’t sound like a good partner and father. I’d seriously be thinking about his behaviour- and his words. Seems to me he’s telling you who he is.

@Turtleneckhead why do you have to stay in? He needs to stay in or make other arrangements. You’re not the default. This doesn’t bode well for when you have kids and I’d be re-considering!