New baby visiting

Maybe your family and friends are crap but that doesn't mean everyone's are.

It’s not just one single thing thats changed I don’t think, it’s a combination.

I’m not sure where you’ve got the idea that “most births are normal and straightforward”, actually the stats show that less than 1/3 births now are “low intervention” or straightforward, even of those births there are tears, long labours, inductions etc. But even with a straightforward birth, it is a big thing to recover from both mentally and physically, not everybody wants to do that with an audience.

I don’t think wanting some space is a new thing, just that we now feel more able to say actually I want to take care of myself a bit here. We did have visitors from the start even in the hospital with my first baby as it felt like the done thing and it was exhausting, I was overwhelmed, I was frazzled, tired, sore, trying to establish breastfeeding and it did me no favours. I ended up crying in my own bathroom 1 week postpartum because it was just too much and I needed some space. It was only when I really spoke to family about it that both my mum & my gran told me they had felt the same in their postpartum and never felt able to say no and were glad I felt I could.

It also depends on the family/friends. If you have a lovely close family who are respectful and don’t have unreasonable expectations then it is so so different. My parents are amazing and turned up with some meals, snacks, my mum helped me get showered and checked my stitches while my husband looked after our baby, they came to help and never really felt like they were putting any extra stress on us. My PIL turned up when baby was 2 days old and expected lunch made, endless cups of tea and coffee, commented on how rubbish and tired I looked, commented on the pile of washing that needed doing and how we were slacking on the housework soooo no, they weren’t happy family visiting at all.

Visitors do not help. They hog the sofa for two hours, ask for a cuppa and rock the baby so it sleeps and misses a feed then screams when they're gone.

I had tons of visitors with my first (first grandchild on both sides) and honestly, it was exhausting. I was in tears my 2nd day in the hospital, sore and exhausted and the senior midwife on the ward said you've had too many visitors, just your husband from now on and honestly, I was relieved! I get that family members are excited to meet the new baby but it's often forgotten that the new mum is exhausted, bleeding, probably had stitches or a tear, getting to grips with feeding and changing a new baby and may not feel up to seeing a string if visitors! There's nothing wrong with saying wait till we're home and let you know when's a good time to visit.

Lots of people's visitors are not helpful at all! They show up, hold the baby, take photos, drink tea, leave you with their dirty mugs and leave!

People who have helpful families acting like everyone has the exact same experience are extremely annoying.

I had a section and was home the next day. I didn't have any visitors except my husband because I was so desperate to get home after being left alone with a baby that I couldn't pick up post section and very unhelpful nurses. It was a nightmare and a year later I'm still upset about it.

I can't imagine putting my want to see a new baby over the mothers feelings. If she wants space, no problem.

Totally agree-everyone invites everyone, and people help the new parents! None of the mums who got support ever seemed to get some of the mental health/precious baby problems that seem more common now.
And there are still tons of visitors around every bed in the postnatal ward, so even if you don't let anyone in, there will be a lot of strangers close to your baby. That was very recently, at out hospital, so it seems most or all new mums in our area have many visitors!
Covid made things difficult for a while.

Very off topic, but this definitely isn't a new idea. It's littered through the Bible, starting in Genesis, which was written around 2500 years ago!
"A man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
It doesn't mean to completely ignore your parents, but just that when you marry you do indeed forge a new family unit and that is your priority, not your parents (whom you obviously still love if they aren't total arses).
You don't have to agree with it if course, but it is definitely a widespread and very ancient idea.

Women post here when they struggle. If you are a reasonable person with a reasonable, understanding family, none of this is an issue.

I loved having visitors. Of course we prioritised family coming over. Nobody overstayed their welcome, everyone pitched in a bit too and brought food etc.

Although I did take weeks to recover and was in an absolute state for about 3 weeks. In pain, barely walking, covered in milk, barely washed. Such is life.

Ive luckily never known this in real life but seen it all over social media. It seems so controlling to me

I think it’s just a MN PFB thing. Most people just get on with it.

I had my children then too. When I gave birth it was standard to be in hospital for 3/4 days even for straightforward births as mine were. I loved having family visit and share the pleasure of welcoming a new baby into the family. My thinking was get the visits over and done with then we could concentrate on getting into a routine.
I’ve no doubt that some women do have difficult labours and take time to recover and have to do what’s right for them.

I think older generations don’t fully understand how maternity care works these days (and why would you unless you’ve seen it first hand).

I was out the hospital in less than 24 hours after having a c section. My mum thought I would be there 10 days (like she was in the 90s for a straight forward vaginal birth) and people would come and visit me at the hospital. That isn’t really a thing any more. You don’t get a long lovely hospital stay.

i spent the first 2 weeks after having a baby very sore. I didn’t really leave the house much or push the buggy etc. it was time used for getting used to baby, bonding. Bleeding lots. And changing lots of nappies. Saw a few close friends.

You're assuming everyone has loving caring supportive family. That's not the case.

How keen would you be say for your school bully to turn up to your house uninvited to demand you feed them make them cups of tea whilst they refuse to give back your new baby even thought they are distressed and hungry. Whilst wearing the strongest perfume known to man smothering your baby in it. All the while you're bleeding leaking can barely walk. They are judging everything you do or don't,what you look like your capabilities as a new mother.

for some unfortunately the best case is some family members just don't care about you as a new mother they just want access to the new toy at worst they want to actively cause you all harm.

A vaginal birth doesn't mean getting up and walking straight away. Some of us take weeks to recover.

There are a lot of young women on MN who seem very focused on proving their position as number one. “Our little family” is part of that. Obsessing about proving that my husband had left his mother behind and cleaved only unto me wasn’t really a thing in my day. I wonder if it’s something to do with not being married.

Because a lot of MILS seem to be absolute pricks to the DILs for years and then want to grab her baby the second it’s out of her womb and carry on acting as if she doesn’t exist.

Not mine, I have no skin in the game of shit in-laws. my MIL is lovely and never even mentioned seeing my babies before I asked her round. She just used to send FIL round with takeaways to shove through the front door at dh.

This. There used to be waaay more care on wards and longer admissions. That’s not been the case for a while now. I had twins, hadn’t slept properly the few nights before, lm in hospital with them overnight on my own and get zero sleep. I am discharged 26 hours after the birth, get a good nights sleep leaving my husband caring for the twins. Then we are both exhausted, lm in pain, l can barely walk, we are both caring for newborn 37 week gestation twins and not really in entertaining mode!

Parents choice as well at the end of the day, it’s not a debate

And of course this is not for people who may have had a very traumatic time and needs to recover, though even then, I don’t think isolation is a good idea.

Why assume isolation? It could easily be not being around family members who make things harder, stressful or more uncomfortable for you.

Agree.

It always seems to be about stopping in-laws too.

Is it a control thing?

My DC are teens. I had one night in hospital with both (first was complex birth,.second I just asked so I could rest) both sets of GP came to visit for 30 mins.

I don’t know anyone who was precious about the first few weeks after birth. But I see a lot of ‘I want to enjoy just the three of us’ on these pages. I think they just aren’t aware how boring having a baby is! In the first week after returning home (and I had a section and am not particularly social), we had at least a dozen visitors, had gone out to lunch, and gone for walks. I joined a post natal class when my baby was three weeks old (and he was born three weeks early). Once my DH went back to work after the two week paternity leave I was bored bored bored. I couldn’t drive yet so went on long three mile walks, stopping halfway for a coffee in the busy town. I bonded fine with my baby, but didn’t need to be closeted away to do this!
But each to their own. If someone wants some quiet time then that’s their call.
And of course this is not for people who may have had a very traumatic time and needs to recover, though even then, I don’t think isolation is a good idea.

It’s not a new thing at all and fuck all to do with social media. My eldest is 24 soon and I was on mumsnet way back then and this is all anyone harped on about in those dark ages too 🤣

In all these years, no one had ever just thought, “ah fuck it, I’ll do what I want and everyone else can do what they want and I’ll just shut up and let them get on with it.”

I don’t think it is a new thing.

I think some don’t realise many are not blessed with lovely family dynamics or family members and even when you are, dynamics seem to change when a new baby/ grandchild enters the picture and some decide that they can override the new mum/ new parents. Let also not ignore postpartum affects women differently and they don’t know how they will react or be until after they had a baby. Some may want tons of visitors and some may not want any before birth and then change their mind after.

Making out as if a new mum shouldn’t want to have some time alone or parents to have the time they need to wrap her/their head around things, get into a routine, especially when breastfeeding comes into the picture after labour because everyone feels entitled to their baby is ridiculous.

Do you think family members that have shown little to no interest in the new mum until pregnancy or baby is born should get automatic access to said baby?

Do you expect such a new mum to just be comfortable around people who have shown they aren’t that bothered about her only their son’s new child or even when it’s the mum’s parents are that way.

How about the family members who come over despite being told to wait 48 hours or less?

How about the family that come over to be waited on and expect a new mum freshly bleeding to host them so they can “help” her with the baby?

Let’s also not forget/ignore the women who have gone through traumatic births and may need some space.

There always seems to be more compassion and sympathy for family members than the actual person who gave birth. There are high expectations on her than the family members and that is depressing.

Previous generations of women suffered in silence and remember how they were treated after having a baby years on and the dynamics that followed.

I’ve seen countless women say they recall their postpartum and their kids are in their late 30s and above.

The only thing that has changed is women are more open about their experiences.

@Nofeckingway

Everyone has a right to do whatever they want as it's their birth, their baby, their decision.

You said it yourself.

I think you post is really unkind to the many many mother's who give birth and have difficult or extremely unpleasant or interfering relatives. Where they totally need NOT to have these people visiting. And no doubt would dearly love to have supportive and loving extended family.

I loved visitors. I gave them baby and went and had a bath or a sleep. But it's entirely up to the mum, she has to do what feels right. I agree in RL I have never encountered anyone ban visitors but as I said, it's personal choice.