AIBU to refuse travel sport training during our custody time?

Well I'm just gonna say it. Mother signed him up without consulting with his father so she can sort.out making sure he gets to the sessions. End of in my opinion

You and DH are not taxis. SS has already got his sport. A second one is not feasible timewise. So,No.

And you weren't the ones signing him up in the first place.

Speaking from the otherside of this and as an organiser of extra curriculars.... I will gladly volunteer my time to put on activities for young people that want to attend. There's so much that goes on in the background that you won't see. We don't run through the summer holidays but there's work ongoing to do repairs and to keep the facilities in decent order. We have skills nights so we can pass on things that have worked well or new kit other teams have bought, old kit newly discovered and so on.

The number of volunteers depends on the number of young people that are expected. It's really frustrating when you spend time making sure that should everyone turn up as planned you can run a great session and have enough adults : young people for practicalities and safeguarding. If then half of them don't turn up and don't inform you ahead of time it's frustrating and makes you question why you are bothering to be there. I'm not going to drag my daughter to activities she doesn't want to go to but I do make sure that there's a pretty good reason for not going and if she's regularly wanting to miss something we drop it completely. It's not fair on those running it and those that are potentially on a waiting list to get a place. It also teaches a valuable lesson to the young people that if you commit to something you try your best to attend and that you have to be realistic about what you can manage to avoid overstretching yourself.

I would be really quite annoyed and frustrated to be giving up my Friday evenings if the young people decided they weren't coming every other week

Same, well squirrels - I did camp in the summer with him in a sling as a 6mo, thankfully just the day time! My dad came after school and sat with baby whilst I got her ready, sorted all my prep out for the session, make sure we had enough adults etc and then sat with him for the 5 -30 minutes before my partner got home from work. It was so helpful but considering it was a 45 minutes drive each way at that time of day for sometimes 15 minutes of babysitting it was a big ask.

We pushed the squirrels meet up time back by 15minutes as we were struggling to recruit and retain leaders. Leaving work to get to the scout hut for 5.30 was just doable, getting their for 5.20 to set up before was not. Moving it to 5.45 has given everyone that bit of flex to allow the group to continue. 5, 10, 15 minutes here and there really can make the difference between something being feasible and not. Also, flexibility means different things to different companies. If my dad isn't available but I really need to be there to run a session my partner drives home at 2pm and then works from home for the rest of the afternoon. He has to be onsite for morning meetings. He can't flex how long he works for but can where he works. By leaving at 2 is pretty much guarantees it being a 50-60 minute drive and that he can fit in a full day at work. If he was to leave on time to ensure he can be back in time he has to add in another 45 minutes contingency as traffic out do the city that is unpredictable. This time would have to be made up later in the evening.

I have similar age gap and a DH who works away, the Beavers thing strikes a cord first time I left my baby was Beaver run.
They are now Explorers & Cubs.

There is a limit to what I can facilitate for both my kids, so it absolutely strikes a chord that one taking all my resources to the detriment of the other just wouldn't be happening.

The two clubs is one thing but the biggest problem is the two children in 2 different places and parent commuting.

It was just an example of how some times there isn't a solution. It very easily could have been child A doing swimming at 4.40 and child B doing beavers at 5.30 with dad working full time with a 1h commute it's just not do able - to counter the poster that has repeatedly stated that if you can't make something work it's because you haven't tried hard enough and not that the OP is unreasonable.

For what it is worth... My baby isn't yet in nursery as I'm still on maternity leave - due to starting next month. I was made redundant when I was pregnant and I'm having to change field as my previous career isn't practical. Both my partner and I are scientists, in my previous role on lab days I wasn't able to leave until everything was finished and set up for the night as we had the equipment booked and paid for for only certain days and at huge expense as well as it impacting other timelines. Leaving at 7-8pm wasn't uncommon getting home at 9 having been out of the house since before 7am. It was tolerable with a nursery age child and I had been able to pivot my role into being less lab based and more office based but I've been faced with the dilemma of being lab based and onsite 5 days a week or leaving science so I can find a role that is solely office based and permits WFH on the days the children have activities.

I do feel for the kids in these scenarios. However:

I agree with you tho - she should have discussed scheduling with you beforehand. I co parent - my DD has lots of activities, luckily we are in a city with excellent public transport tho and she’s 14 so can travel independently to most of her classes. But that obviously wasn’t always the case, so I did him the courtesy of discussing it with him before committing her to anything.

I did sign her up recently for a new hobby that’s a bit far away at times - but I also committed to taking her to it so it’s no burden on him either time wise or financially in terms of travel costs.

I don’t agree that children should get to do whatever they want and the adults should bend over backwards. Some sports are an enormous commitment and if there are other children to consider it just might not work.

From the conversation ^ husband has with SS it sounds like it possibly be ditched every Friday that there's a better plan and that he knows that his dad won't be as easily persuaded to let him miss the sport compared to his mother.^

If he doesn't want to really do the sport he should give it up.
It shouldn't be Dad dragging him off to training sessions on a Friday night, if hes not fussed, when he also has a game for his other sport the next day.

@Superscientist you are talking about getting one child to two activities on the same night.
And there is no mention of your job so I assume you don't work.

Wait until your baby is a Beaver, and your oldest is a teen wanting to do multiple sports and your working set hours as well as your husband working.

Yes we all try to flex to make things work but there is a limit to what any family can achieve, both in time and finances.

Do you see how "it doesn't work for you" and "there are always ways around" are contradictory?
There often are ways around it but there aren't infinite ways around things and the only way around they have come up with has been shot down my the mother

My daughter would love to stay in her swimming class and go to beavers. Her swimming is 4.40-5.05 and is a 20-30 minute drive from home, beavers is 5.30 -6.30 10 minutes from home.
Baby will be in nursery with a pick up time of 6.00 15 minutes from home 25 minutes from beavers.
Partner works until between 4.30-5, and has a 60-90 minute commute.
If the world is working with us we could pick daughter up from school - take her to swimming, she could get changed in the beaver uniform in the 5 minute window, jump in the car and have 0 traffic allowing us to get to the scout hut in time. Having already been there earlier in the day to set up so we can start on time. Whilst my partner finishes work at 4.30, has enough of a buffer to get baby from nursery.
If the world is working against us and we know in advance I pick up baby early before going to swimming. Not ideal having him at swimming with us but we get by and I pre-plan not to be at beavers.
If the world is against us and we don't know in advance. Baby stays at nursery, partner doesn't finish in time to get him or gets hold up in traffic. I have to dump and run around beavers get someone else to run the session at little notice and get to the nursery 5 minutes before it closes.

Or we switch swimming to a different day, on a Wednesday the time pressures are much less, fewer moving cogs that could go wrong, and there is a little bit of calm.

On the current days that they have been assigned to do the running around for this club they can't do. They could manage on different days but there needs to be buy in from SS and mum.

From the conversation @MonkeyMaze101 husband has with SS it sounds like it possibly be ditched every Friday that there's a better plan and that he knows that his dad won't be as easily persuaded to let him miss the sport compared to his mother.

Personally I think the fact that you are already facilitating the other sport which seems to take a lot of time up and you are unable to facilitate the sport is a usual problem for many parents it’s complicated by a mum who isn’t seeing your situation. I would say to his mum and your SS I’m really sorry but we are unable to facilitate the new sport currently. We have two options - a) if he wants to carry on mum to take him on the wednesdya and you on the Friday - if that doesn’t work then he will have to stop. Not because you don’t want him to take part but because you can’t manage it due to work schedules. I guess a third option may be that he stops the original sport and does this instead if you are able to facilitate that. Does his mum work full time? Does your husband pay child maintenance? I ask this because if he does she is relying on his job to provide the child maintenance if he changes job purely to facilitate his sons sport then she may end up with less money for him too. You said teen SS so he really is old enough to understand the situation and make a decision. If neither the mum nor you can facilitate then he can’t do it. I know plenty of children who would love to do activities but can’t due to parents work commitments - you’re hardly evil etc. it sounds like you’re supportive of him generally. I guess the other option could be that he knows a friend that also goes and you could ask them if they would help you but tricky if it’s always going to be them helping you - offer petrol money maybe.

Honestly by the time hes 17 hes probably won't be that interested in that much sport, exams and life will have taken over.

That’s good your dh has done this now. It doesn’t sound as if his mum has much of an intention to take him to sport, does it?

Your dh is absolutely going above and beyond offering to take him 4 times a week. Ie every contact day.

What about the rest of you?

Parents have a right to request flexible working. Employers don't need to give it.

That is something that's well worth remembering. They have agreed to some flexibility but that doesn't mean you take the piss.

At 15 its kind of up to the boy what he does, where he stays, no court would really over rule him.

I'd be telling no to a 2nd sport, he needs to understand there is limits to what the family can provide.

Most families have their limits, either on time or money.

There are always round things when there’s enough money. And enough employer flexibility. Not when there isn’t.

The DH's employer is already allowing him to flex his hours on the other days when DSS is with them.

There are always round things when there’s enough money. And enough employer flexibility. Not when there isn’t. My dd danced for a few years at 4.30pm in the city centre. Only kids with parents with money and one parent able to work flexibly or not at all could afford to do that for example. Both from a logistical and financial perspective. A firefighter, call centre worker or care worker amongst many professions couldn’t just tell their employer they’re ducking out early every Wednesday. And many of us aren’t local to where we are currently living, so have neither an extensive friendship network nor relations willing or able to help out just round the corner.

And I said I get it and you keep arguing. It doesn't work for you. I get it. We juggle a hell of a lot and it works for us. Everyone is different. My point is there are always ways around things - some are hard, some cost money, some aren't easy etc.

Our school finishes at 330 and dance starts right after. If I had to drive her that would be impossible for me. 5pm also impossible as I'm at work. That's all I'm trying to say - that this specific situation isn't possible to do for this specific poster and making her feel badly about it isn't really helpful. She can't make her work hours different, she can't magic up a 3rd driver, she can't make the SS's mother participate in anything involving driving... there are a lot of hard stops in all of this and she shouldn't feel guilty about it because you are able to do it differently.

Well except for the fact I would expect that at 3pm they would still be in school and you can't just 'sign up' for elite sport, but no I wouldn't quit my job as almost all activities know that kids are in school so normally (not all) don't start until after 5.

I agree but the schedule was a bit tricky to understand so was just a thought as they seem to be driving in a circle for an hour (maybe? I have lost track of the actual logistics) and maybe flexing the idea of dinner at the table would help with this night and avoid the 10pm working which seems really not ideal.