Did I make a fool of myself at work?

If I was your manager I wouldn't think you foolish. I'd be glad you raised it and I'd try to make changes.
In our workplace we stopped collections altogether and gave a gift paid for by the company on behalf of everyone. People have different financial situations and no one should feel put on the spot.
Similarly if people were putting you under pressure to socialise then I'd be making it clear to all in general terms, that it wasn't on and that not everyone wants to or is able to go to things.
Then I'd ask you a bit about how you were finding professional interactions with colleagues to check there was nothing going in that would impact your work.

Well your manager is a complete hypocrite then.

If that was her response to your complaint.. "one happy family" that's complete B/S. Particularly since you say she is one of the people making the comments behind your back - though they are careful enough to say them in your earshot so that you can hear them!

Did she give you any indication of what she was going to do about it?

• Say that she would speak to certain people?
• Write a memo to staff reminding them that contributions and outings were all optional and that they should remember that not everyone can afford to contribute, or might be busy with their families, and therefore its unkind to keep commenting on who is participating and who is not?

Something like that. If she doesn't do something then she's a rubbish manager too.

Do you think that they will stop making these comments now you've spoken to her?

Union advice would be to make a note of these occurrences and give a date if possible and who was there, in case this escalates and you have to take it to HR Certainly you should write a note of the date and time and contents of the conversation you've just had with her, and her reaction.

I stopped giving to collections in my old work place after it was every bloody birthday, but my 30th was forgotten and I got a card a month later!
My current place I do, because it's only ever a quid and everyone is lovely.

Hi @user89909 No.. you didn't make a fool of yourself. You raised a complaint with your manager about disrespectful behaviour.

What was your manager's response to your complaint?

I noticed that There's a big difference in how you expressed yourself in your first and then in your second post. I get a feeling that is because in the first post you were playing back what you actually said to your manager. And in the second you were giving valid explanations because you were more relaxed answering a question here. Im guessing that you were more anxious about talking to your Manager? I think it would really help you if you could write it down like you did in your second post before talking to her again, it was so much easier to see what you were concerned about.

I also noted the pp who said that the comments were true. But you had good reasons and I think as it happened twice, they were deliberately saying it when you were in earshot knew you'd overhear, which I think is an unkind way to do that and disrespectful. They could have said something to your face.

The colleague saying not to ask you to an outing as you'd never come, even though you'd already put your name down was just plain bitchy. This suggests to me that this kind of behaviour has been going on for a long time... and you've had some challenging health problems which means you could do without this nonsense.

I don't know how the manager responded but since she seems to be involved in the overheard conversations... you should write this all down clearly and speak to HR. Contributions and Outings are not compulsory as this lot think, and you shouldn't have to put up with this.

My advice is to own your statement.

"I haven't contributed to xyz. I can't afford to / contribute to another group I feel strongly about"

"I'm not coming out on ABC as since being ill I find it exhausting / I have something else I want to spend the money on / with the commute I'm out for 50 hours a week and need to prioritise my family and own time"

Don't forget, you are there for one thing and that's money. Be a team player in the office, do your work and go home.

At my work there seems to be a collection every other week for someone, I never contribute, I will sign a card with a kind message and think that’s enough. Half these people can’t be arsed to engage and chat with colleagues so I think why bother

I don’t think you made a fool of yourself @user89909 I think you were right to speak out. There is nothing wrong in my view with just wanting to do your job efficiently and then go home. The same with donating for colleagues. It’s completely dependent on your choice and circumstances. I spent the majority of my teaching career as a single parent. I couldn’t afford either the time or money to socialise very much with my colleagues outside of work. I contributed money for colleagues. It always seemed to be the same few who benefited. Birthdays, engagements, weddings, babies born. I retired from my last post without so much as a leaving card given to me.

That's really awful behaviour by your colleagues. You've been unwell with a likely permanent change in both your energy and income. Hopefully, your manager understands this and is happy for you to vent. You didn't make a fool of yourself at all in my view. All you can do in these circumstances is to make it clear on future occasions to everybody that this is outside your control. Just tell your colleagues you have less stamina after your illness next time you can't go to a work do. Perhaps make a reduced donation to the next collection and say, 'Sorry it's not more but since I had to reduce my hours things are tight'. Generally, I'd give the unpleasant colleagues a wide berth and remind yourself you only have to be polite, not best of friends. Your self esteem shouldn't rest with them.

Urgh a “happy family” it’s a place of business.

The other year I counted up how many collections there had been. If I had put in £5 to every collection I would have paid out £105 over the year. I can’t afford that.

I don’t contribute to collections because in my workplace there’s about 3 a week and u cba.

I don’t care if my colleagues go on the nights out or contribute to collections. I care about them doing their jobs properly so that the rest of us don’t suffer and have to bear the consequences of their skiving/poor efforts. I also care about them not kissing managers arses and not making team meetings longer than they need to be.

Stay strong OP, you did not make a fool of yourself. It's awful people expect everyone to contribute we all have our own financial pressures, some people are generous, others less so and some do not contribute at all. That's how it should be.

Also after work acirviites what if you have a busy life after work, gym, other classes etc. Kids to look after. I would genuinely go if I could or go for a short time and leave early otherwise if you can't make it there shouldn't be an issue.

I am like many if the other posters, I don't contribute at all and I only attend after work events if I am free which I am often not. I am a work to live type of person so I go to work to earn moneg to live my life. So long as the work I do is enjoyable I don't need to be best friends with my colleagues. If you click and it happens great but I don't go out of my way.

I find it all abit like being back in high school with the talking behind your back instead of just respecting your decisions.

This. Nobody should be obliged to attend outside of work events… we aren’t paid for them.

Yep. I do not contribute because when I first started my job I got married and later had a baby and did not even recieve a card - so I won't contribute anymore. I also do not want to socialise with work, I have small children and I would rather spend my evenings with my family. Could not care less what they think tbh.

I don’t think you’ve made a fool of yourself.

But you might have a reputation for not giving to collections or joining in.

FWIW, I regularly get taken the piss out of at work as I never want to socialise with colleagues. I have been bought several things over the years that say ‘I want to be invited, but I’m not coming’. In fact, I don’t even want to be invited 😂

I always donate to collections though.

They sound like a bunch of arseholes OP!

You're not unreasonable at all, OP. It's your choice whether you contribute to collections or attend work socials if they are outside of work hours. I find the culture of this excessive and tiresome. I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing people talking behind your back about it. Do you have HR to go to?

I keep myself to myself at work. I'm polite and will have a quick chat. But I don't get involved in the back stabbing or gossip and don't socialise.
I also don't give to collections or sponsor people.

Everyone is different. I'm quiet and private. I don't mean any offence or harm to anyone but I'm not comfortable in social situations and not overly chatty at work.

I would never contribute to collections in work because I felt it was a racket. Not only because of the moral pressure and guilt tripping. Also because some people got more than one collection (engaged, married, childbirth) and others got nothing. There was never any check on how much was collected or what it was spent on. I forbade collections in my own team when I was a manager. Of course I could not forbid individual gifts but I would not allow someone hawking an envelope around my staff.

One of my young relatives had the courage to go to HR and say she felt bullied and humiliated because she could not afford to give £10 to a collection of someone she had never met. HR send a memo out forbidding staff collections and they henceforth had to be authorised by head office.

Well done for standing up for yourself. I hate the outings and collection culture, it is not healthy and whilst some people might be fine and even enjoy it, others don’t for lots of valid reasons and it doesn’t make you wrong or a bad colleague. I’m a senior manager and I police this with my own teams and I would stamp out gossip and judgement.

I’m not interested in socialising at work. Money-£10-is paid annually direct from our wages (if we agree) to pay for leavers. Individual departments do birthdays etc. Yo7 are not obliged to contribute and frankly, having overhead them mention you by name, I’d have shamed them-you simply can’t afford it and why should you? They should be ashamed of themselves.