AIBU to say no to FIL visiting around the twins’ birth?

You've done absolutely the right thing in getting DH to deal with it. Please don't worry another minute about it - this is the time for you to take care of yourself and bugger everybody else! You sound very sensible adopting a wait and see how you feel approach and I'm sure it will be joyous when everyone gets to meet the babies and you've had a chance to recover and rest. Don't be afraid to keep visits short or disappear for a rest even if you've got a houseful. Let your visitors make the tea, tell them to bring food and don't run around after them!

Wishing you a nice easy birth and recovery 💐

Your dh is doing a brilliant job at maintaining your boundary here - I just want to salute him for putting your needs above his dad's desires.

Fwiw I don't think you're being pfb about it, but even if you were - you're giving birth to two whole humans, this is how you feel, your feelings come first.

I'm glad your husband is holding the line.

I just tried to imagine myself 39 weeks pregnant again. I wouldn't want my own mum or my mil anywhere near me, for a very long time.

I’m sorry Op. you really don’t need this extra stress. I’m being intentionally vague about my due date! I might feel great and want to see everyone immediately - but I just don’t want the stress of pre-emptive plans or requests from family, nor hassling for updates! Just let DH deal with FIL. Good luck with everything x

Yanbu unreasonable at all. Stick to your well advertised and perfectly reasonable plans. It’s ok he complained to SIL. He can grumble away all he wants. Don’t let it influence you or your DH. As it was just a city break all along, and nothing to do with whether you were free or not, he has to accept that when you said you would not be free that weekend that you are still not free whether he is there or not.

IME It will take some time before you will want to see visitors of any sort after the baby. In my case I did not see anyone apart from DH and DM until I was ready and that was nearly three weeks. I was very clear on this well before the birth and I was glad I did as I was exhausted and had some complications. With twins the same will be true and you need to set a clear boundaries. I understand that DGPs will be keen to see kids, but they really do need to wait.

Absolutely prioritise yourselves at this special and sensitive time. You really don't need the uncertainty of will he-won't he. Your DH needs to step up strongly and tell his DF that neither you, he or the babies will be availabke at that time,. He could also drop the nicu into the conversation and say it really loud and clear - No Visitors. He really must not be in your orbit and bothering you from now on. Your DH can tell him that when the time is right he will get in touch with DF but in the meantime he must back off. Enjoy this week.

Well done to your husband being firm.

He asked, you said no, he complained and pushed back.
I hate, and I mean hate people whom cannot accept No and argue the point.

It makes be dig in.
Your husband was right.

Irrespective of what happens, do not contact him to come visit, or you will be vindicating his decision.
Good luck.

I mean he’s not pushed back has he? He’s complain to sil, this is just the family gossip line. Don’t think about it, it’s not like you’ll be fielding calls or texts it’ll be DH and he knows the deal.

dont stress, leave it all to your DH and focus on yourself and the babies

I think you’re being a bit unfair.

Chances are he got overexcited and booked it a while ago and now can’t rearrange.

As long as DH has explained that there’s a chance they won’t be born etc then it’s fine.

I think it would be mean to not let him see them in the hospital but I would also not make plans ahead of time because it depends on how you feel, when they come etc.

I think it’s pretty common for grandparents to be around and available when their child/DP goes into labour.

This is yours and your husbands time. Nothing else matters and if you have expressed a desire to be left alone until you guys are ready then that's it. Why would anyone get the arsehole over something like this? Let him stew, he shouldn't have booked a hotel.
Congrats and hope all goes very smoothly!

It would work if he was the kind of person to just give you practical help in your home but I get the strong impression that won't be the case!

You don't know the exact times, dates, what the experience will be, how you'll feel, what you need. And it's disrespectful of him not to take your preferences on board.

If he were to say "I'm staying locally, I will do whatever you need me to do, give me a list but I'm suggesting: dropping off top up shop items like milk and bread and fruit; feeding your cat; doing your ironing; mowing the lawn; batch cooking some healthy meals and stocking up your freezer; chaffeur duties; hanging out the washing; whatever you need so that the two of you can focus on the babies" - that would be a VERY different thing!

But that's not the kind of thing he's offering is it?

My mum was brilliant post birth with mine - she'd pop over and do household chores, freshen up my drink, drop off cooked healthy dinners, make me a sandwich etc and not with an expectation of holding the baby, just to let me feed and rest. I used her as my blueprint for supporting other friends when they've had babies - they don't want or need presents and presence, they want the chores and care that give you the chance to focus on the baby.

Glad your SIL is on the same page as you.

this?. I really don’t want any extra stress and I don’t want fall outs but I also want to make sure he knows he cannot visit until we’re ready

This is something I’d be willing to fall out over if he didn’t listen, which he hasn’t. The only person to lose out after the fall out, is him, so you have nothing to lose. Stick to your guns. Be polite at first, but if he keeps on or if he does turn up, you need to be more abrupt and put him in his place. The only people that matter once a new baby has been born are the baby, mother, father and any siblings of the baby.

id text him

dear fil, such a shame you booked this weekend for your city break and not one after this. I'm being induced on Friday so we are going to be tied up all weekend, these things can take 48/72 hours so you'll likely to be heading home from your city break by then, it would have been nice to see you next week - I do understand though and hopefully you'll make it back asap. It's going to be so stressful for us both, exciting but just hoping babies don't end up in special care etc as want family to meet them so soon and that will put the kibosh on things!

Can you block his number temporarily? Then agree with DH the circumstances under which you might entertain a short visit. Then just leave it with DH. You need to focus on you and your babies. Your DH can deal with his dad and you don't need to hear about it.

Just say no. If he's chosen to visit the city, let him crack on - you are busy. Either with the babies or enjoying your last moments as a couple before you become parents.
You'll regret it for you let him go. Don't worry about upsetting him, he doesn't care about upsetting you.
He can come when you're ready only.

I’d get dh to message fil and say it’s upto you if you choose to come that weekend but it’s unlikely we will be able to see you and it’s unlikely we will be ready for visitors. If you are coming with a view of meeting your dgc I would suggest you put it back a couple weeks to make sure they are here and home.

Disclaimer: I don't have twins!

I turned my phone off and let DH do all comms with both my family and his when I was in labour/giving birth. If you don't want FIL bothering you then that's on him to sort out.

My personal experience though was that a short visit in hospital was manageable and bought us more peaceful days at home without excited grandparents wanting to visit the minute we got home, when we didn't have midwives etc to support. Neither DC needed NICU though.

The fact that you are looking at a twin delivery so this is not a good time to visit and you've told him that and he's having a tantrum means you should keep him away. He's centering himself, not you and your husband. And with NICU potential, oh hell no, FIL.

Here's for happy and healthy twins.

But as PP said, if they are in NICU the following weekend, visiting hours are usually an hour or two max and it’s easier than hosting at home as you don’t have to host and he can’t have loads of time holding the babies anyway. That could work out better than you think so it’s worth seriously thinking about it

Definitely stick to your decision, and if he values your relationship he will respect it.

My BIL and SIL lived abroad when they had their first. Coincidentally (we'd planned it pre pregnancy, and to coincide with me finishing a qualification) our nephew was born the day before we came home. My sil didn't feel up to visitors after her c section and we respected that, even though we would have loved to have seen them all (we did see them before the birth). We didn't meet nephew until he was about 6 months when they travelled to the UK. 12 years on and it hasn't done any lasting damage to the relationships (and they now live 10 mins away)

All it really needed from yojr DH was "yes, of course' providing @craicandcats and the babies are well enough but no guarantees after a twin birth. If I can get away, you and me could wet their heads and look at pictures".

Absolutely not unreasonable to want wider family to follow your lead and let you say that you're ready for visitors. I've not had an induction, but surely you could still be on the labour ward on Sunday?

I didn't feel ready to see anyone until 5 days after my planned c section and even then it was only because I really needed help breastfeeding from my sister. From memory my dad just busied himself fixing the gate and doing some gardening, as he wanted to help, but clearly breastfeeding and getting comfortable after c section weren't in his wheel house 😀

when my DD was born - and not twins - I felt liked I had been pulled through a hedge backwards and needed to rest. The hill I wish I had died upon was insisting no to visitors, but instead I caved and frankly it made me feel ill and put upon.

Stay firm. SiL needs to keep out. Turn off your phone if that's the way you protect yourself