AIBU to ask my mum not to drop by unannounced?

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. Regular unannounced drop ins wouldn’t work for me. I don’t feel guilt about this.

Surely your mum popping in is no big deal? I know people hate impromptu visitors but with a parent you can still be yourself, doesn’t matter if the house is a mess and the kids can carry on playing - she just mucks in.

My lovely dad had a key and would let himself in - the kids loved it. He’d always bring a treat or some family news. Never stayed long. But it was never an imposition or a hardship.

I think it’s sad that so many people would be too busy or too precious for their own family.

Sounds like your life is full on and you have your own routine which we all need. Perhaps she could do a pick up once a week so she gets a little bit more time but say no more to random drop ins.

I think I would just ring fence Sunday, as that is important resting time for your household, and allow her to keep doing it other days but keep on doing what I normally do, ie not treat her like a guest.

It does seem rather one sided @MiniRuRo . Basically your mum gets to see you if she cooks for you or if she has your children for a sleepover. When do you host her?

So very rigid. I’d find that an awful way to live!

I don't think it's terrible for the grandma to want to see her GC more than once a week, but I can also see that you need downtime too.
I think in your shoes I'd suggest that she can come over on DH's hobby nights ( when you wouldn't be having family time anyway) but can she call first . Maybe she could help with bedtime routine, surely an extra pair of hands would be useful with 3 small kids. This is your Mum you're talking about, not some random neighbour.

You have a few choices:

Alternate the Friday night and make a fuss over her, so she isn't making all the effort

Let her take the kids Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours so you and DH have some alone time, just the two of you

Make her a brew and treat her like you do your Gran

Stick to your guns

I'd do no.2

Boundaries, boundaries, fucking boundaries. Your own mother too. You sound like an automaton

Did you miss they spend every single Friday evening with her?! Or that she didn’t take the OP to see her grandparents weekly when she was a parent of young dcs.

I would hate to begrudge a family the only free afternoon they have together with “no plans”. Our family time is precious to us where we play games, have a movie afternoon, crafts etc. To others it might look like “no plans” but to us it’s important.

I respect other people’s boundaries and expect them to respect mine. Dropping by unannounced regularly is overstepping those boundaries.

Why can't your mum help out by taking one or more of your kids to their hobby, they'd build their own relationship and you'd be more freed up?
The reason you feel like you have no time is that you're trying to do everything yourself. This comes across as quite controlling and yes, you're excluding your mum. She's just a compulsory add on to how you wish for things to be.
I'm not surprised she feels excluded. Because she is.

We all do things differently, but you seem to want a military style operation rather than teamwork and discussion. Fine. But very controlling.

Why didn’t you deal with it earlier? My MIL was lovely but I couldn’t have coped with that. She also had her own life.

I'm with OP. She is obviously a planner. When you have a busy life you have a hierarchy of things to do - kids, work, etc - and a time table to do them. Random visitors do not fit into that schedule and have to learn their place. I hate random visitors - it doesn't matter who it is, Most often I simply don't open the door or hear as I stream music if I'm on the computer. If its important they will text or email me later.

She sees them every week - that's lots! Most people see their relatives 2 or 3 times a year.

Put in boundaries now. This happened with my MIL at one point for 3 years straight she came every night for dinner until I imploded. 🤣

Dropping in unannounced is just plain rude. Being someone's mother is irrelevant - and the OP's mother already sees a lot of her, so it's also unnecessary.

Keep your door locked, OP, and don't answer when she turns up, because YANBU.

I think you need to reinforce boundaries. You said no but she’s still doing it and ever more frequently. This would drive me nuts. You’re allowed down time without visitors. She’s training you to stop objecting, tho, by becoming emotional and comparing it to you dropping in on your gran who appears to want the visits. It isn’t the same! Tell her no. She shouldn’t be stomping on the lines you’ve drawn.

You aren’t wrong to have some of the weekend that’s not budgeted for something else- apart from the fact dcs need time to relax/play with their toys etc, you aren’t long off homework.

I really would consider if long term living this close to your mum and gran is going to be possible when you want some time as just a small unit and your mum doesn’t believe you have a right to a boundary. (Her coming round after you’ve told her not to is a worrying sign she doesn’t think you get to decide what happens with your family.)

I hate anyone dropping in, so my door is always shut and locked. If it’s inconvenient, I just don’t answer the door. Even if it’s obvious I am in, I don’t care.

If anyone queries it (MIL is the only person who ever has) I just say oh yeah I was busy. You can’t just pop round, you won’t get in!

Absolutely they do, but what would the children prefer?

To go see her at her house, or play and colour at home?

i’m just thinking about my own Sunday afternoon experiences, and as I don’t see the time we spend watching f1 in the same house as the kids as quality family time, if they would prefer to visit a family emmener during that time I’d allow it.

I think I’d have to move.