AIBU to ask my mum not to drop by unannounced?

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My Mum would always have been welcome at my house. The kids would have loved her popping in on a Sunday afternoon.

Its your Mum!

I don’t know why your kids can’t be bored/ have downtime with your mum in the house? Does she gee them up or something, insist on disrupting what they’re doing to interact with her?

In most families I know, when family visit people just get on with whatever they were doing before the visitors arrived except for the one person who’s the designated host (DH if it’s his family, me if it’s mine for example). Everyone else comes and goes, does their thing. A child might play in the same room, a teen might slob on the sofa on their phone, if I’ve got dinner to cook I get on with it. It’s really not a big deal, I can’t understand scheduling an hour or two of “quick, quick, hurry up and get her out so we can relaaaaaax in private.” What relaxing are you doing that she can’t be there for?!

We lived near DM DF and MIL when the DC were young. It was one of the great delights that they could just drop in during the day with no formal plans and no more than a cup of tea being provided. Much, much easier than them coming for a full week at a time when we moved away! I miss that.

could she pop the kids to bed on one or more nights you/your husband are doing your hobbies? or take one of the kids to their hobbies?

I totally hear you on the 'popping in' annoyance but can you make her desire for time with the kids, and needs that have to happen anyway, align for both parties to be happy? I agree with keeping Sunday afternoons sacred. and to be honest, as the kids get older they are going to have birthday parties and all sorts to fit in too so need to figure out a solution that works. or could she do a school pick up once a week?

Can you just say ‘Mum, it’s not convenient at the moment’ when she drops by unannounced. If you say it enough, she should stop doing it. You have asked politely and she has ignored your request m, so I think you need to be a bit more firm.
I wouldn’t like it - it derails what you’re doing and you don’t get the things done that you need to. You’re also entitled to downtime to recharge your batteries, which is very important in a busy household

Fwiw I think both of you could compromise a bit op.

I totally understand that having three dc under four requires a military operation and it’s essential to have some down time on a Sunday afternoon.

I am a strong believer in dc being bored occasionally too as it stimulates creativity.

And as a mum of two adult DDs, I wouldn’t dream of just dropping in any time without advance notice. I think that is disrespectful to them and to their other halves.

But I also think confining visits to two hours on a Friday when your mum is preparing dinner for you all is a bit rigid. Your mum probably wants to see her gc in their own home when they are a bit more relaxed and she is not busy doing dinner. That’s fair enough I think. Could she join you for lunch on Saturday? Presumably you will be eating it anyway? Or on one of the hobby evenings?

I agree. If my mum had a habit of dropping round on a Sunday afternoon, she’d either be shown the door, or the ironing board.

This goes both ways. How would her mum have felt a few decades ago if her own mother insisted on dropping in on a Sunday afternoon and impinging on her family time?

Everyone says we should be mindful of our old mothers, what about being mindful of young mothers?

My parents always ring first and I do with them.Dropping in on anyone is fucking rude imo.In the first few years of mine and dh relationship his mum.and sisters used to do it and I hated it.Slowly put an end to it as I found it annoying and rude.

Stick to your boundaries. As a grandparent who lives ten minutes away I NEVER just drop in. I always wait to be invited. My daughter and sil both have busy demanding careers, and their child is in full time nursery, so the time they have together is very precious, even if it just the mundane ironing, tidying etc. and no however annoying your kids can be, her taking them is not the answer. So sorry mum, but just push off.

I'd be wanting to move away!

No necessarily OPs gran but far too many grandmother's whose adult kids and grandkids think they have no life and are just sat their waiting for your visits

A set 2 hours once a week on a Friday seems overly rigid when a close relative lives so close.
Would the children like an hour playing with their granny?
I quite like when someone pops by for a cup of tea.

And you sound like a boundary-crosser or somebody who has none!

Wow sounds like you know OP's Gran so well!

You're going to get mixed responses OP but I am in the camp of agreeing with you. I cannot bear anyone dropping by unannounced, we are exceptionally busy too and genuinely don't ever spend a day at home due to the various commitments etc in our lives. My mother takes it upon herself to usually turn up just shy of 7pm when I am either putting the baby to bed, feeding all our animals, out training my dogs, working on my main job or the business etc and then seems cross that I am busy at that time, despite usually seeing her (her choice) on a Thursday.
Keep reiterating your boundaries, I know some people here feel like its weird to not constantly want to see a parent but we don't all have the same time/flexibility/relationships etc.

You say your mum lives a street away from her mother, so you lived a street away from your Gran but only saw her once a fortnight growing up ? If your mum only works 3 days, why cant you pop in on her, on the days she's not working, like you do with your Gran. Take control and tell your mum when you can meet up, not when she can't. Ok, definitely not Sunday, but one day she isnt working ? Also you didnt answer the question, would you be happy seeing your children/grandchildren for 2hrs a week when they're grown up ? My children and grandchildren are an extension of my family, I sometimes take them to school, or pick up, babysit, have them rd or go to dinner there. Not all at once, not every day, but definitely more than 2hrs a week.

Come over to help out with a LITTLE ONES in the evening when the eldest has got her hobby or on the Saturday take the eldest to the hobby and you have time with the LITTLE ONES

I have a similar situation with my mam living nearby and dropping in without checking. I work full time.have 3 DC & 7 grandkids and its exhausting.
My DC all work too but they do visit her a lot as do I. To help her out with anything she needs.My dH is a taxi driver and works 7 days a week (also runs her about for appts etc)and we dont have a lot of spare time together but she is so demanding of my time.
She also has a friend next street from ours who she visitis a lot and just pops in on her way back via our back gate and can see me through rhe windows so I cant pretend I am not in. Cant lock the gate cos of dh in and out for work. I have tried to explain how busy we are but she wants to be included in everyrhing. Mr brother on the orher hand is allowed ro live a conpletely sepearte life with no responsibilty and has told her not to visit his home so she respects his wishes and not mine!

But they seem to have Saturday free also after 10am so it's not as though Sunday is the only " free" day. Fair enough if she doesn't want her mum to pop in but it's not quite sure Sun afternoon is the only time they get to do stuff as a " family"

And as a PP pointed out it seems that the mum has to cook for them and have kids to sleepover etc but the OP begrudges making her a cuppa

I think that never having a free day at the weekend sounds tough. I wouldn’t dream on imposing myself on my adult children or my grandchildren just because I’m bored or a bit lonely. I always wait
for an invitation. You need to ask your mother to back off. You need time with your family. Your mother must learn to accept that.

My mum lives 5 minutes away and pops in ALL the time. She knows I finish work at 6pm so half the time she's already at my house by the time I'm home. I tell her all the time but she just laughs and thinks I'm joking and I just know it will cause a fall out if I say anything seriously so I have no advice OP but your not alone. Luckily my mum does get the point and promptly leaves if I am actually busy (which is all the time lol)

Or perhaps she could be allowed, just occasionally, to interact with her daughter and grandchildren in a social way, with no demands placed on her? Maybe someone could even offer her a cup of tea?

Hell no I do not want anyone dropping in unannounced. Once a week is loads. We don't see grandparents anywhere near that often.

Yes boundaries, something I learned from years of therapy which I needed because of my mother. The other option is no relationship at all.

Having boundaries doesn’t make me an automaton.