To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

Sometimes you just want to have a moan about stuff, and for someone to agree that x is shit. It makes you feel better.

If I've had a shit day I don't expect partner to be able to help with it, but you need an outlet to call manager Y a cunt and for them to just sit there and say "yes, Y is a cunt".

Say before you moan 'I just need a moan, can you listen for 5 min, then we can have dinner?' then it's clear to the other person that you just want to moan and they are doing something productive. Also thank him for listening if he's been very sympathetic or you've gone on for ages.

It's fine to ask for what you need, be explicit before you start!

That’s exactly what I do too

I'm exactly like this and it makes maintaining friendships with women very difficult, which is a shame, because it's just my way of trying to make sure they felt heard and not abandoned afterwards to sort it out themselves.

But that's what men are problem solvers and one way of showing love is to try and fix the other half problem asap.. that's why I have my mum and sisters for the chat bits haha

Preface what you say with
“I’m just having a rant and not looking for solutions. What you need to do is say, that sounds awful would you like a cup of tea?”

He needs to know how to respond so give him a script, for now, and it (hopefully!) will grow from there.

I’m a problem solver as well - to all the PP wanting empathy but not solutions, please may I ask why not? I’m not asking to prove a point, just genuinely can’t comprehend why someone might not want to solve something they complain about.

Im bad for looking for a solution as well. I do it from a desire to help not to be dismissive at all.

. I’ve started asking my daughter if she wants advice or just to vent as she has a tendency to be dramatic and it’s lots better for us however I draw the line at extended moaning - waste of energy for everyone.

You absolutely have to talk to him about this and how it bothers you. In fact this will be a wonderful opportunity for him to find a solution to the problem! Dh is exactly the same and after a few conversations and many 'you're doing it again' comments spoken through gritted teeth, he now stops himself. He asks if he is wanted to just listen or am I asking for help. Almost indefinitely it's just listen. I'm very practical too, more so in fact, and it's kind of insulting when he assumes I can't figure out a simple thing. It could be really basic, like I say there are road works all week on this road and the traffic will be bad, and he will reply you should take a different route then. No shit, I'd never thought of that. In fact that's exactly what I would say these days.

I was genuinely in my 20s, married and with a professional job before I realised that people might talk about problems and not want advice or a solution. Before then it genuinely hadn’t occurred to me that people just want someone who.. listens and nods in the right places and says “oh that’s terrible” (I think that’s what they are looking for?!).

After the penny dropped I do ask more if people are looking for sympathy or solutions, and DH will say “can I rant/offload about something” if he doesn’t want advice.

Can you try that?

I hate wittering on. If it is basically just "work stuff" I genuinely struggle to give a shit. We allow each other 15 minutes max of work chat when we get in.

Of course if it is friends or family related I give more time. These days we both seem to have more health stuff as well 😞

Tell him.

I drove my DH mad with this as I was brought up that if someone told you a problem they were hoping you’d help them find a solution. He snapped at me about 12 years into our relationship and we both wish he’d just said.

Now unless he tells me he’s looking for a solution I just listen and sympathise (and fight my instinct to offer solutions!).

As others say, just tell him. At some neutral time you can say you appreciate his problem solving skills, but sometimes you just need to offload and at those times you are looking for sympathy, not a solution. Ask him what would be the best way to signal that to him next time.

I don't think it is a man vs woman thing, plenty of women want to solve problems too, we're pretty good at it! But we can all learn to listen instead. I usually let my husband offload and then ask him if he wants ideas for solutions or not.

I have to be explicit with my DH when I just want a moa and when I want a solution. He’s brilliant but he can work those two things out on his own

Men are from Mars etc...Its a well known fact that men genuinely think you are after a solution not a sympathetic ear. When you understand that its then easy not to tell them or ask them anything unless you can make a swift exit.

I tell him in advance I'm not asking him to find solutions, I'm asking him to sympathise with my woes!

It's a man thing, thats why ladies talk to their friends about problems.

I usually preempt it by letting DH I'm not asking him for a solution.

Very easily raised. Before you have a moan, say "I am going to have a moan. Please don't offer me a solution, I just need to vent to someone". I do it all the time and nobody's been offended so far.

I’m like your DH. I don’t see the point of just moaning. If you’ve got a problem: fix it. If it can’t be fixed, don’t moan. There’s nothing you can do about it and moaning is just making a bad thing worse. Obvs this doesn’t mean things like moaning about the weather, moaning about your backache (as long as you’ve sought treatment!!) etc. But I can’t bear repeated moans about a problem that can be solved but that the person doesn’t want to solve.

It’s not a man vs woman thing. It is usually a result of childhood and young adulthood socialisation and experiences which approach we tend to use.

I agree with the pps saying you have to explain this. It's weird that some folks don't do this naturally. My DH is fabulous, but when I'm struggling he goes into problem solving mode. I just remind him, "I'm not baffled by this, just hurt".

Honestly I would find it irritating that you are just whinging about something without even accepting that it might be fixable. What’s the point?Try and see it from his perspective.

Be clearer what you want from him and don’t go into unnecessary details that invite solutions. E.g. ‘Emma at work was on a power trip and really upset me by saying I wasn’t doing a good job’ invites ‘have you tried speaking to HR?’ Or similar. Whereas ‘I’ve had a bad day at work I just need a hug’ gets you the comfort you need and he doesn’t have to sit through the details for no reason.

Trying to help you find a solution while focussing on you and your problem is the opposite of being dismissive imho.

Dismissive is “yeah that’s shit, have a glass of wine” and then …..crickets…or subject change to “so you still going to cook dinner?” ..or he says “you know what else is shit” and launches into his problem of the day or week in a tit for tat who has had the shittiest day competition.

I can understand wanting a pause to get a hug before he launches into help mode. The next time you have had a bad day…lead with “All I want now is a hug because I’ve had a terrible day. I don’t want to even think about it or discuss how to solve this tonight, I just want a hug and then a bit of time just enjoying being with you. Then tomorrow morning, or evening, I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to fix it. But right now, I just want to vent, get a hug and then enjoy my evening not thinking about it.”

I’m a problem solver! I’ll emphasise and listen to moans up to a point but then you have to get up and get on with it.

I'm like your husband so the other way around, and I think my OH sometimes struggles too. I think he'd like it if I was able to open up a bit, have a moan, be a bit emotional.

But I just can't. I'm just inherently practical and just think that whining or emotion doesn't fix anything. I think it comes from previously always having to deal with everything that goes wrong on my own, never having support from someone who cared enough to bother to listen.

I understand it's frustrating but I think it's unlikely he's doing it on purpose to upset you