To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

We tend to ask the other 'Do you want comfort or a solution' works well.

"I'd like to tell you about my day but don't want you to look for answers or solutions - just a hug and a bit of sympathy please."

See what happens ...

Ah ok. I’d just read somewhere it was man/ woman thing.

YANBU, sometimes we just want to be heard and validated.

I’m your DH in this scenario…as per previous poster/s I’ll ask (unless it’s entirely obvious) if they need me to help with a solution or just to listen.

I had this a while ago with my partner, I now get a couple of sentences in, and he will stop me and genuinely asks "sympathy or solutions?"

Look up the YouTube clip called “It’s not about the nail”.
hilarious and illustrates what you are describing!!

I disagree with this. I am the problem solver in my house and everyone comes to me when they have a concern because of this. I don’t agree at all, that men solve and women listen. That has never been my experience.

This is fab. I'm a problem solver but this is going to be my mantra going forward!

Don't you ever have situations that you'd really rather you didn't have to deal with?

For instance, our elderly cat doesn't always poo in the litter box now, there are various things that we are doing to deal with it, but it's still tiresome to have to clean up cat poo on a regular basis and we all like a bit of a moan about it sometimes!

The trouble is with my DH he often genuinely hasn't thought of a solution. One of his favourites is "I've got a headache". I will say "Have you taken some paracetamol?" and he says "Oh... no, I haven't!" and off he goes to the cupboard. In a long marriage you get to know whether or not the other person will have thought of something or not.

What happens when you say this out loud?

Always works for me if I communicate clearly what I need from my partner. He does it.

Tell him. I told mine, it made a massive difference. He was genuinely astonished that I wasn’t asking for his input and help.

Although he has scars on his tongue from biting it at times.

There are plenty of women here saying they do the same thing, so it really isn't a male vs female thing. Most things aren't, which is why that book is a bit rubbish.

Most men are like this! I just want my DP to say “aw I know love.” Or something. But he tries to solve it and give me solutions, no I just want you to sympathise with me and say something nice to cheer me up!

But if you can solve it, it’s generally doesn’t have to be that shit?

The from Mars women from Venus covers this very situation

I’m very solution driven and it’s linked to my childhood trauma. I have to fix/solve … to keep the peace.

It really depends on how much you’re venting about things. Personally i couldn’t listen to someone complain about the same thing regularly and just nod and chip in ‘that’s so hard’ if they weren’t attempting to take any steps to fix it.

I’m with your DH. Nothing more frustrating than listening to someone moan when there ARE solutions. Fair enough if not, and happy to sympathise in that case, but I can’t fathom the energy people waste on moaning when that could go to problem solving this fixing the core of the issue.

DH is like you however, but he has learnt not to come to me with it unless he’s absolutely sure there is no fix (and on occasion he’s got that wrong🤣), as while I would sit there and nod and do the sympathy sound, he knows I’m absolutely busting inside, like a form of torture. Most of our (adult) kids are like me in this regard but one takes after him, which is great actually as they can indulge each other😆.

When I do this, I am capable of solving the problem myself, so it can be a bit patronising to offer me solutions that I've probably identified already. I just want someone to listen and to say "Yes, it's shit, isn't it, poor you", then I can move on and get on with it. It's about being heard, more than anything else.

I've been with DH for 50 years and never quite realised that this is what he does. Both DC are exactly the same. I have loads of health problems and sometimes when I feel absolutely shit I just want sympathy not solutions (all of which I will have tried).

Having said all that I'm probably guilty of the same.

My dh and I are both like this. I'm a fixer and he's a problem solver.
It's very difficult to change the habit of a lifetime, and requires a profound change in how you approach things.
We try to remember to just listen, and will ask 'do you just want a listening ear or practical help?'
That way we know the expectation and can adjust accordingly. It's not easy, though, and requires a conscious effort.

My husband says to me, ‘Do you want me to take the plank out of your eye or just be sorry it’s in there?’

I was taught on an active listening course to always ask what someone wants before they start

“I’m here and ready to listen; do you want any advice or do you just need to vent? If that changes, let me know - this is about what you need”

It’s been very useful with teenagers!

Agree with PPs - you just need to tell him in advance, he’s not a mind reader