To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

I totally get what you mean, OP. My ex would do this and it really started to drive me up the wall. I always knew it came from a good place, but sometimes it did feel a bit dismissive or like mansplaining.

I do the same and it really helps.
now we’re at the point he understands and will go and get me flowers and chocolate or something and just listen. But it took along time to get on the same page as he’s a big problem solver too

communication is key

Yes, I have stopped telling my DH about certain things that have rattled me, because of how he reacts. EG: I handed a prescription in at the pharmacy yesterday and asked the woman I handed it to 'how long will it be, will be it be long?' just so I knew whether to wait or pop off for a walk.

Instantly a woman shouted from behind the counter and yelled 'we do have 20 other prescriptions in front of you! We ARE a busy pharmacy.' Then slunk back behind the barrier. I was like I said to the woman I was speaking to 'I was literally just asking, because if it's going to be half an hour, I'll come back.' The woman said 'sorry love, it's just been a tough day with some rude customers and she's venting.' I said 'well laying into the customers who are being pleasant isn't really the answer is it?. She just shook her head and mouthed 'sorry' again... I said 'I will be back in half an hour.'

Got my meds. End of story. If I had told DH this, he would have stood up and marched to the car and bolted down to the pharmacy and DEMANDED to speak to the manager. He would have put in a complaint and demanded to speak to the rude member of staff who had a go at his wife for nothing! I would never have been able to face them again because I would have been so embarrassed.

Got a number of similar tales. Things have gone a bit awry/balls up after someone has upset me/after I've got into a spat with someone.... I never tell him, because he always feels the need to stick his nose it, shout his mouth off, and 'fix' things. I don't know why he does it, whether it's some way of proving his manhood, or showing that he is in my corner, or what, but it pisses me off.

So I never tell him about anything. Also happy in my marriage - for the most part....

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I do this- like your husband I have a problem solving job and I just can't help myself.

Now when my husband vents to me I say upfront do you want me to listen or do you want me to help find a solution? Or he just tells me.

If he ignores you and continues to problem solve, then you have an issue.

This is exactly my dh too. He’s amazing and is like this. He has always had a very stressful career which is solutions driven, so I guess that’s what he reverts to instinctively. Understanding him from that point made me really realise that he’s not uncaring. HIS way of caring, is solving my problem so that I’m happier quicker.
it’s really not personal.
Now he just asks me what can I do rather than go for a solution. If my response is nothing, then he just listens and switches to a more emotional response. That works for us

Absolutely.It is a very clear male trait on my experience. It infuriates DH if I’m not delighted by his solution.

I was thinking exactly the same!

I think this is a bit of a cop out, even if it is your "love language" you can surely do things differently if that's what the person needs at that time?

Otherwise it's like saying "I know you hate liver and bacon, but it's the only thing I can cook, it's made with love!"

Same. I want to say what’s bothering me and he’ll say “well what can I do?” I don’t want you to do ANYTHING! Just listen and take it on board!!! Jeez

I think this is such a common issue - I've said exactly the same a zillion times to dh. So then I'm relating something to him, and he says nothing. So I ask if he's heard what I've said. "Well, yes, but you've said you don't want me to do anything" Well I bloody want you to sympathise, or empathise, or just say something supportive. He's never going to get it, is he?

give this link to your dh

I think next time you want to moan just say 'look I'm just venting about this, I'm not looking for solutions just sympathy and a hug' or whatever and see if he listens

It's the same in my family, majority are women and with the exception of one, we all look to problem solve, and when we talk about a problem it's because we want help solving it rather than wanting empathy.

Someone else commented that it’s not a man/ woman thing. I’d read it online somewhere so note to self don’t believe everything you read online.

I tell him now that I don't want a solution, (or not right now) I just need a rant - or a cup of tea - or a hug. Or to go on a long dog walk...or whatever might helps.

I've done it so well that I now have to tell him when I do want a solution.

Long marriages, don't you love them?

I don’t think it’s a man thing because I am definitely a problem solver (perhaps I’m a man and I didn’t realise; I am also excellent at parallel parking and map reading…).

Everyone’s allowed a whinge now and again but we all know people who can moan for England. In real life and on MN, endless examples of people who really don’t want a solution at all.

Dsis is Moaner Extraordinaire. It is really, really wearing when someone just seems to like to wallow in their problems, and expect a willing ear for hours.

Maybe start the conversation by saying I'm not looking for a solution I just need to vent about this. People have different approaches to dealing with problems, some people don't get anything from just talking about a problem so their default when someone shares a problem will be to look for a solution.

Have you never said to him something like “I’m not looking for you to fix this, I just want to tell you how I feel and offload a bit?”

I’d be surprised if most women hadn’t said something similar to their partners at some point. I know I’ve said it to my husband - I just want you to listen and give me a hug or a few supportive words. It’s a very common thing that men come up with solutions rather than just listen.

I am not sure how true that is. I come from a family of problem solvers and we are all female, well except my Dad of course. I think (and am not defending myself....well maybe I am a bit.....) that for problem solvers, problem solving is part of their love language. They want their beloved not to feel bad so they want to take the problem away.
I also think that it can depend how the solution is offered "All you have to do" "surely its just a matter of" are not good ways. "might xxx help?" is better.

I'm like this too, especially with my adult children. I have to make a conscious effort not to jump in trying to find a solution. I am going to use your strategy going forward, thank you

I will say to my partner, "shoulder, not solution".

@LilacReader if someone genuinely wants to help, I think they'd probably like to know that what they are doing isn't actually helpful.

I've gone with YABU not because I don't sympathise but because he's a man and that's what we tend to do unless given a clear instruction not to....

Hi, I haven't voted as I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think he's just being a typical man (sorry to generalise). I've had it all through life with partners and now and I'm divorced and my dad is recently widowed, he's starting to do this to me as well. I try to be really careful what I speak to him about now. Obviously it's different for you - but he really is just trying to help x

I'd tell him that you're needing a rant and sympathy not solutions.

I can do both, but I to tend to piss DS off by offering solutions. He want's to rant about how terrible it is to have summer GCSE work. I'm trying to tell him to see what he needs to do and break it into a few more managable installments rather than saving it for an inevitable last moment crisis. I did even sympathise that I suffered it myself, so I'm not a complete monster
I do say that his motto is "for every solution there is a problem"

DH unfortunately does need to be told the obvious "take a paracetamol" for health whinges. I'm much more sympathetic when someone has attempted the bleeding obvious first I have a very low threshold for male health martyrs after my stoic dad's death from the indigestion that turned out to be his heart clogging up

Oh I do. I say I’m not telling you because I want you to go round there/start a row/anything else OTT, I’m telling you because I want you to know how it affects me mentally. His approach to things is different to mine. I’ll pussy foot about people-pleasing whereas he’d just tell someone to fuck off and erase them from his mind. We are quite different characters in that respect.