To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

People who complain a lot or do the just venting a lot need to ask themselves what about the person listening? Constant complaining and venting is draining to listen to and you can't empathize when you're drained

You're right about this. I have a friend who's a real Negative Nelly who expresses dissatisfaction with everything she encounters. You'll go on a day out and she'll complain about food, minor transport delays, too hot/cold/tired, etc etc such that by the end of the day I'll be wanting to scream at her to shut the fuck up. Then she'll say 'today was fun, I had a great time'

This is the way to approach it. My wife and I will preface conversations like this by saying “I just need a rant” or “I’m not looking for solutions, I just need to talk this out”. He’s not a mind reader, so speak to him about it and say that you would like to try a new approach (don’t do it in the middle of one of these type of conversations, bring it up outside of that).

My husband was the same. But over the last 30 years he has learnt that I just want to moan!

As a fixer, it depends how often you complain and about what. Big stuff, there. Little stuff, deal. Occasionally, there, yes, shit happens. Daily pissing and moaning about every little thing, I'll find something to do elsewhere. If it's fixable, offering solutions is them engaging.

People who complain a lot or do the just venting a lot need to ask themselves what about the person listening? Constant complaining and venting is draining to listen to and you can't empathize when you're drained.

I can only speak from my experience - as I noted. My DH does it, as do my DF and DB and my male colleagues. The women in my life listen and empathise. The men don’t.

You’re incompatible. Neither of you are wrong.

I am like your DH. I can’t stand it when someone just wants to dump a load of emotional shit on me and I am not permitted to point out a simple solution.

I’m the problem solver in our house (and at work). Like a PP I don’t see the point in just moaning about something if that something can be fixed. DH moans daily about the road mirror to aid getting out of our blind exit lane not being good enough, so I’ve started making enquires as to how we get it replaced…

ETA it probably stems from growing up with my Mother & Grandmother who did nothing but moan. Like it was a competitive sport.

I'm another female problem solver who doesn't see much point in moaning but not trying to do something constructive about the issue. I didn't realise wanting to 'just have a moan' was even a thing until people on here said so.

Because some solvers have such a preference for solving that they will come out with ridiculous suggestions for a solution rather accept that there might not be a solution.

I’m a solver too, and equally if I’m talking to someone about an issue then I am looking for advice on solutions.

You have to learn to read the vibe.

Obviously some problems don't have solutions.

But if yours does, why wouldn't you want to find it and rid yourself of the problem?

This is just right! Thank you @SummerFeverVenice

Do I want comfort or a solution?. Comfort please, I've already looked for a solution.

Sometimes what you're moaning about doesn't even have a solution, it can be something you have to wait out or learn to live with. I really disagree with the idea that a giving a crap solution is better than giving no solution but I suspect the "solvers" feel differently.

I think you need to say before you kick off 'I dont want a solution, but can I tell you about this...again, I just want empathy, not a solution. I really like it when you just listen.'

My husband is a listener unless asked to solve.

Some years ago my daughter had a boyfriend & came home quite perplexed that he tried to solve something that she just wanted to moan about😂

We are all different and some people are wired to solve problems. If he didn't care for you he wouldn't be investing the time and energy doing it. If you just want a moan, give him notice that you just want him to listen/empathise/get you a glass of wine. In the scheme if things he sounds pretty reasonable.

Yes, and no. Sure, I’d like people not to die in accidents, often in terrible ways, or be likely a quad, where I didn’t have to have that discussion with family etc but that’s life and the nature of the beast.

We had an elderly cat who had dementia, would toilet everywhere including on our bed (they liked it so we didn’t ’problem solve’ by shutting bedroom door, just tried to put waterproof protectors on, but didn’t always work), had several other problematic behaviours related to dementia, so I can identify. But to my mind, that’s still a really trivial thing in the scheme of life and not something i would think to moan about, and I’ve tried to instill that perspective in our kids (mainly successful). Put it this way, none of them ever moan about a tough day at work, they learnt pretty quickly with ‘teen’ jobs that some customer going off at you for no/little reason does not constitute a ‘bad day at work’ and if you are viewing it as such, your view on life needs considerable adjustment.

My DM is like this. You just say I want to vent not find solutions.

I am a bit like your hubby, but I wouldn't be averse for someone to say - I just need a hug, not a solution.

I think it comes from the era fo "Men are From Mars" which attempted to solve all problems on the basis that men and women are irretrievably different.

Happy to answer. Sometimes you just want validation, for example "that must be tough", rather than a solution (which I can likely find my own). But I appreciate some people aren't especially wired this way and it's a difference in perspectives. I also think there's a risk of the person wanting an emotional outlet (me!) being a bit moany and equally the other person coming across as somewhat dismissive or perhaps missing the real issue. Probably, both can learn from each other.

Can we stop with the "it's a male trait" thing? It's obviously not, there are many women on here saying they do it, I have to stop myself from doing it, my mum was awful for it.

Saying things are a "male trait" implies that that's just the way men are and they can't do anything about their learnt behaviour, which is rubbish!

totally agree, just pointing out that solvers don't do it to be annoying and can do better but need to know!

I'm like your DH. I don't think it's a male/female thing, really. Plenty of women like to problem solve, and plenty of men don't.

Personally I think it's not dismissive for him to listen to your problem and try to think of ways to solve it for you, if there is a way to solve it. That takes thought and effort. Dismissive would be just nodding and making sympathetic noises at the appropriate moments - it takes no thought or investment.

Obviously, if it can't be fixed then sympathy alone is all that's left...but why would you not want a solution, if there is one?