To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

Yes I’m the same! I’m asking because I want suggestions!

Your post is doing the exact opposite. Do you actually want us to come up with a solution or to go 'Mmmm, yeah, that's shit'?

Makes me wonder whether he's had similar times where you actually wanted a solution but there wasn't a way of him being able to tell the difference.

ETA: I may be slightly salty about this, as DP was clearly trained by his mother and his XW to sit there mute instead of being of any practical use whatsoever, as they wanted sympathy, not help and any attempt to do or say anything was always wrong.

I get where you’re coming from but honestly I’m a bit like your husband 😳
I’m a solutions person.
I actually really don’t like being asked to just listen and soak up other people’s upset/ moans, I find it almost painful, although obviously I have to and do do it for my children as that’s what parents are for.
Especially if someone wants to whine about the same thing over and over and won’t listen to or take on board solutions, but just wants to whine again about the same thing - I find that really uncomfortable.
It might be because my Mum does it a lot and did it when I was a child (which was inappropriate in my view) - wanted to moan to me about her upset with various people but didn’t want solutions - I hate being people’s sounding board if they won’t make any changes or listen to solutions as a result.

So many weird posters ascribing this to being a male/female difference when there are so many posts IN THIS THREAD FROM WOMEN saying they're problem-solvers.

I'm another one. DH is going through some shit at the moment and I've been so solution-focused that I'm almost annoying myself. Try this sleep app! Try yoga to calm yourself down! Make a spreadsheet! Game out these four options! I can't help it - I literally don't know what else to say. Just saying "there there" or "I know it's shit" feels so fucking useless and pointless.

Also, I'd like to make it very clear that when I complain about anything, I'm doing so because I can't think of a solution myself and I'm hoping the person I'm talking to might come up with one. When I complain I want the thing fixed, then I'll be happy. I'm not complaining just for venting's sake!

I feel like I've had a lot of experience of this, from female friends actually. It's definitely not just a man thing although I suspect there is a propensity for more men than women to have this trait. This type of response has been the reason I very rarely share a problem and that in itself has lead to more shallow friendships and a feeling of isolation sometimes. It's just so patronising when someone offers the most obvious answer like they are so much cleverer than you. If you are weighed down with something and every minute of every day you are desperately seeking a solution and then someone hears this information for the first time and has about 10 seconds to process the situation and thinks they can resolve it. They might as well tell you they think you are an incompetent idiot.

Been married over 15 years and the answer is to be direct eg I’ve had a really tough day and I just want a hug/need you to listen. My DH knows this means no words of advice needed. Equally I know when he says he needs time to think through what he wants to say, I know he’s not trying to put things off to annoy me (!) but rather he genuinely needs to figure things out. I can honestly say if you are direct but kind and respectful and really try listen to each other, it is just the best feeling in having a true partner.

OH MY GOD my wife is exactly the same. Drives me round the bend.

I do exactly the same to my wife (I'm also female, so everyone claiming problem-solving is an exclusively male trait is full of shit).

It took us a few years to work out the blindingly simple solution: before she tells me what's bothering her, she says, "I just want to vent, I don't want you to tell me how to fix it." Although sometimes she does want me to fix it, and then she's grateful for my excellent problem-solving skills.

Men are brought up to problem solve and be stoic, women are brought up to care and cry "there, there".
I wish this was completely untrue, but it's not. Find an article on it, and send it to him, highlighting the bits about asking, "do you want advice, or just me to listen?"

I think this is very much a personal preference because I absolutely loathe it when people ‘just want to vent’ or ‘just want to be listened to’. I find it incredibly draining when people essentially just want to tell you stuff in a completely one-sided way until you’re as miserable as they are, and I think it can be quite self-absorbed if it happens a lot.

If I have a problem, I want it solved. Sometimes there might not be a solution but if there is, why wouldn’t I want to hear it?

I agree.si miar to me

See, I would then ask - why are you telling your dad about your work problems if you know he's not going to provide you with ether sympathy or a solution?

I think it depends what kinds of solutions are offered. Unfortunately it's often really simple ones that you've obviously thought of and tried (the solver must think you are a bit stupid), or there genuinely isn't a solution (for example, the problem occurred in the past and can't be changed).

My dad is a great example. He loves to give me solutions for any work problem I may have, along with an eye roll for me not following his advice. But his "solutions" don't make any sense - no suprise as he never worked in my field, or any related field, and hasn't interacted with this field at all even as a client. But despite this, he thinks he knows it better than me although I've got more than 20 years of experience.

Don’t ask a cat to provide a dog-like experience. And then get pissed off at the cat for not being doggy enough. 🦉😉

I’m female, but do tend to go all “let’s find the trade-off you can live with best” when presented with problems. Mostly because that’s what I want if offering up a problem of my own. Otherwise I wouldn’t be telling somebody about it.

Some people are good at listening and being empathetic, while leaving you exactly where you are in your distress Others will see your distress and desperately want to alleviate said distress because they don’t want you in distress.

Got to pick the right person, with the tight toolbox, for the job you want done. No one human can be All The Things for another human. They will be blessed with some attributes, and not so much with others.

If you want to dump it out so it leaves your head,and gives you some peace, until such time as you can find your own trade-off… writing it down really helps. Doesn’t have to be tidy, or even complete sentences. But it really helps to get feelings to exit the brain and taking up more space than they deserve, or really need.

No pen and paper has ever butted in with opinions about how you should handle the content of the brain-dump. Digital devices these day…. less good with AI liberally peppered through every innocent looking app.

Huge hug, cos I get it, even though I’m on the other side of it. DH is vastly empathetic, but wouldn’t be able to spot an obvious trade-off if it was waving a flag yelling “I AM AN OBVIOUS TRADE OFF IN YOUR COUNTRY/CULTURE ! TELL THE POOR WOMAN!”

I have very limited sympathy for moaners - it drives me up the wall, especially when they moan about the same thing over and over again, without even attempting to find a solution.

DH is a moaner, I'm a problem solver.

But working out a solution demonstrates empathy surely ? If he didn’t think it mattered he wouldn’t make the effort - the thinking is saying “gosh that’s hard how can I help “

There has to be a balance, no one wants to be the recipient of constant moaning and negativity. On the other hand close relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows and your partner or good friend should feel able express negative emotions and get some sympathy rather than being shut down or fobbed off.

You are being unreasonable because he's not a mind reader.

Be clear why you are telling him about the problem. "I am looking for solutions" and "I just want you to listen and sympathise" are the two options. It's just clear communication.

Because part of caring about someone is listening to them moaning sometimes- and empathising with them!

Thing is, I don't want to listen to moaning and venting. Why should I have to?

That could well be it, I did read that book ages ago.

Ah yeah I find it soooo irritating when people do this, they need to listen to the chimp management program! Of course we want help solving a problem but not before a quick "poor you, that's shit" to ease our anxiety. Just tell him what you have said on hear, he is only doing what HE thinks is the correct response, everyone is different, i need sympathy too! Just explain that to him 🤗

She probably did. Some people enjoy complaining!

This.

I think I’m lucky that nine times out of ten, when people talk to me about a problem, they are looking for a solution. That, or they know I’m not the appropriate audience if they want to complain for the sake of it.

It can be especially frustrating when people complain about something that invariably can be solved quite easily, but then they just…don’t do anything to solve it. They just keep complaining.

Clearly you are wired differently. Neither are wrong.

You'll need to be more explicit when you talk to him - tell him that you're not looking for a solution or his opinion just a connection or a hug - and then tell him what you want to say.

It's a PITA but you can't change him.