To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

Often, problem-solver types are practical but have low emotional intelligence. That’s why they respond like this - and why they’re not capable of solving emotional and inter-personal problems. They lack the capacity. Their so-called solutions are often very stupid because they haven’t understood the problem.

So I don’t recognise the dichotomy presented by lots of respondents between ‘whine and solve’, with the implication that there is usually an obvious practical solution.

In practice this is often experienced as ‘spout irrelevant bollocks, diverting from the subject at hand’, because the ‘problem-solver’ fails to recognise their own failure to understand the problem. Rather than seek understanding, by asking perceptive questions and listening to the answers, they just indulge their own desire to talk.

My husband would probably say this of me. I do sympathise but then will pivot to finding solutions. If there is a problem it needs a solution. Then everyone is happier.

If you read Men are from Mars book they talk about this. They say men are ‘Mr Fix it.’

you are describing all men, that is how they work, they problem solve. if you want empathy you need to either get a gay best mate or become a lesbian. as that's just men. they think they are helping but we want compassion etc etc. you just have to say i don't need you to fix it i just need to feel understood and he will look at you confussed

But that's not the real problem is it, so your "solution" shows that you haven't really heard or understood what I'm saying. Obviously I don't talk to my dad anymore about such things, so I've already come up with that as anyone would have. But it doesn't change the real problem, does it. The real problem this example shows is that my dad was a bit rude to me, and further more that he's quite arrogant, thinks I'm a bit stupid, and doesn't listen to me. So simply saying "well why did you even tell him" isnt helping.

Now my problem isn't a big deal, I just mentioning it because it's the topic of the thread. But you can see why this type of thing can be annoying.

I'm a problem solver. I think it's because I get bored of people whinging about things and then doing nothing about it. Equally I don't off load into others. I can and do genuinely listen if there is a real issue but whining about work I just switch off!

It’s really not. I’m the problem solver and have to consciously remember to ask how someone is etc. Whereas my DP is full of empathy.

I don't anymore, but yes I have in the past, when he asked me "how is work going".

See, this is a good example of exactly what I'm saying. This happened to me and it was annoying, not a big deal though, and I don't do it anymore. Obviously I have come up with this solution myself and implemented it, as I'm not stupid. But you've jumped on me to say "well why did you even do that?". It's in the past, it can't be changed now unless you have a time machine.

This with bells on!
Misery loves company, stay away from me 😁

I understand why you are frustrated, but you need to tell him. So when you start the rant, begin with 'not looking for solutions, just need to rant to my husband about this', or something along those lines.

It can be a neurodiverse thing, or it may just be his personality, but its definitely not uncommon. Just a little different communication needed

I agree with, at times DH and I may have the odd moan to each other as a one off but I won't inflict contstant moaning/complaining to others so won't expect it in return

It is tiresome to have to listen to someone constantly complain about the same thing or people and never do anything to fix the situation and yes I am female

I was not raised to cry and pet adults up because they have a problem.
So that article got it wrong.
A lot of women myself included like to get the issue sorted.
Them that love to moan and wine about it for days suck the life out of us.

I was raised with --- crying wont fix it moaning wont solve it.
Tell me whats ya problem is and see if we can find away to deal with it.

Ive been around to many people that like to drag it on and on, moan and moan but dont seem to want to deal with it or want to solve it.
We can all have a moan now and then but some people just love to trauma dump, and problem moan.

Yeah this is me. I don’t really see the point in dwelling on a crappy situation. I do what I can to solve it, and then move on. I find people who want to vent about problems and drama draining.

This is me. My DC call it “solutioneering”. We mean well OP, we can’t help it. What we’re trying to do is make the bad thing go away. It’s our love language.

Yea, my husband is the same way ... that's just men I think. You need to tell him, repeatedly if necessary.

if its an issue from the past then surely a solution would be how to deal with the outcome and the emotional fallout?

and yes, why do you talk to your dad about stuff where his response will annoy you?

For me personally, venting removes the emotion from the situation. It’s much easier to find a solution (or accept a solution from someone else) when the emotion/ drama/ stress has been diffused. I am actually a good problem solver, but I need a clear head.

My dh is the same @Hoypolliu

I try to tell my partner if I'm just trying to vent. He doesn't really get it. The.funny thing is that last week (over a decade together) he said "I think i might be more of a.problem solver than listener". I guess he is finally self aware 😅

Indeed! Can be a drag though 😀

I think 'the grass is always greener'. My husband empathises but doesn't offer solutions. I have to keep asking 'Yes, but what do you think I should do?' to get any kind of opinion.

Haven’t RTFT, but a great piece of advice given to DH and me when we got married was that, when one of us has a problem, the other one needs to ask, ‘Do you want comfort, or solutions?’
It has saved us SO MANY rows. Hard recommend.

Me too, it’s my default setting and I’ve become aware of it and try to establish what the other person wants (when I remember!)
equally I find it frustrating when my partner does the same for me, and say ‘no I don’t want solutions right now I just want to complain!’ And all is fine, I whinge, and we carry on with our day

I suppose it depends on the context. Sometimes someone just responding with "oh, that sucks" is exactly what you need, as it validates your feelings that, yes, it does suck and you're not wrong in feeling down about it.

On the other hand "oh, that sucks" can be pretty inadequate if you are genuinely looking for advice (more useful than "I'm upset about this" to which the response is "well, have you tried not being upset?").