Expectation as a young grandparent?

If they can’t afford a holiday, they can’t go, and when you gave a baby, your priorities should change.

I’m glad you have said no to more financial help. If it were to provide basics , fair enough, but not to support holidays.

YANBU - The partner is beyond cheeky. She really needs to manage her expectations and stop being so rude.
Is the mum of DH's son around?

I knew it would be about the money. Let your DH sort this one out, as he seems to be doing.

I wouldn’t have assumed she was talking about you

That is so wrong. Constantly on mumsnet they treat step children horrendously. She has married her husband knowing he had a son, he is her stepson. You treat them the same if you are a decent human being.

Edit this is not a pop at this op as she lives miles away but a general vibe from mumsnet that stepkids are treated like chopped liver.

Your ages are irrelevant, the distance is the issue here. The fact you are still young with young children doesn’t help also as it does make it harder to pop up for a weekend to babysit but that could be an issue whatever the age.

You live 200 miles away. You can't do anything. Ignore her and carry on with your life.

They cant expect that of you when you have two primary school children.. they know this take no notice block social media or mute and be honest saying its a different relationship for you as you have your own young children to love and care for x

CF I'd post a reply on her SM explaining the situation from your side and how disappointing it is she is badmouthing you publicly. That you're sorry you're not a free babysitting service for a stepchild's newborn when there is no attempt on her part to build a genuine relationship with you.

Or post on your own SM / forward posts about CFs expecting free childcare. Passive aggressive route!

If you're so far apart, presumably they want you to take the DC for a week to let them go off on holiday? Have they provided you with any child care for your kids when they had none?

I think you just need to leave this to DH, really. If you've hardly met the mother her posting on Facebook can't have much impact on you can it? Who does she know who might think badly of you because of those posts?

I think it's a shame if your DH isn't involved with his DS and DGC, though. Has he invited them down for a stay, taken them on holiday, been to visit and help out or anything?

I will drop everything to have my baby granddaughter. However, DS and DIL bought a house a five minute drive away, I'm in my fifties, retired and youngest DC is at university and finally I have a close bond with my DGD because I took DIL and baby for lunch every week whilst she was on maternity leave and we built up the time I had her alone slowly.
My DGD is a joy because she knows us so well. We take her for fairly long days out regularly (9 am until 6pm).
We do not have DGD overnight, which must be what you DSS's partner is asking you to do because at sixteen months she's a bit young and we wouldn't want to mess around with her bedtime routine and sleep.

The distances involved make it completely unrealistic for you to be an involved grandparent.

Your DH needs to ask his son to shut this down. If DH won't do this, or son can't/won't set his wife's expectations you just have to ignore it all.

I can't see why a woman in Scotland would expect her DH's stepmum in Devon (an assumption) to rock up regularly to babysit. I'd definitely be keeping my distance from her, though.

Agreed.

Exactly. She may well appreciate the occasional chat/chance to vent with another mum of small children. Mid-20s can be a tricky age to be a new mum: too old for all the groups aimed at very young mums, but younger than most people in NCT groups etc.

I would ignore it. You aren’t actually the grandmother. You are a working woman in her 30s with two young children. She must be talking about her own mother or the ex-wife. Not you.

If she means you, she is ridiculous.

I also wonder where millennials got the idea that their parents should do do much childcare for them. It certainly wasn’t the norm in living memory.

I’d reply ‘ooh yeah that’s a great idea. We could have a reciprocal arrangement. I’ll have Jacob for a weekend so you can go away and then you can have Miles and Stanley in return! We never get to go away either since childcare is a rarity. That’s brilliant. Let’s get some dates booked in’

That should shut her up

You could offer to have the baby Friday evening to Sunday lunchtime if they book a hotel weekend away in your neck of the woods. They probably wouldn't but atleast you will have offered.

Did you miss the fact that she has young children and works full time?!

OP as others have said, mute her. She sounds lukewarm right drama llama posting things like that on SM

Could the baby stay with you? Or could your husband go down to stay for a few days?

She's contacting you not your DH? When you're not even a blood relative? What, because sorting out childcare is women's work?

Tell her you're in your thirties with small children and nowhere near the grandparenting phase of life. Then mute, block and ignore - if she wants something from your DH she can ask him directly. Although I presume she doesn't because she knows she'll get a typically male response - something along the lines of "Can't. Working"? Sometimes men have more sense on this stuff. Emulate them.

Or, you know, have some fun with it and start listing all the times she can do your childcare, if you're now in an all-female village... Before blocking her.

perhaps send your husband to stay and help out , but don’t let him go without taking your two school age children for a visit.

I’m afraid I would have no time for someone sharing lots on social media about grandparents not helping, being deserted etc

Bloody cheek. You work full time in a demanding job, live hundreds of miles away in a different country, have two young children yourself and are already helping them financially.

When you have a baby, you kind of accept that your holidays will include them from now on! It wouldn’t have occurred to me to feel deserted because nobody would let me have a baby-free holiday! What a load of emotional rubbish!

If you live 100's of miles apart from your step-son and his partner, how exactly is his partner expecting you to help???!!! It's not as if you can offer weekly babysitting, if you live 250 miles away (for example)!! I fail to understand what your step-son's partner realistically expects you or your husband to do?!

You both presumably work full-time, and have two young children yourselves. Add in the distance you live from your husband's son, there's no wiggle room for you to offer any practical help!

Your husband needs to speak to his son, and ask if all is OK with his partner. This situation is for your husband is resolve, not you.

Some people call their step grandchildren just grandchildren, and some step grandchildren do the same for the step grandparents. The OP has referred to herself as one of the grandparents, and that is up to her and the child’s parents if she is referred to as such, not us on MN. My children’s grandad is actually a step, but he is regarded as a grandparent as much as the others, as he is a lot better than the absent biological one!