AIBU to worry my adult son is not maturing?

Sounds a lot like our DS. He's a bit older, but can't drive (had lessons, was test ready then covid happened and put him back, his instructor left and trying to get a new one and a test date was a lot and he decided not to bother any more (possibly for the best as, although he's exceptionally academically bright, he has no common sense!). When he lived at home, he spent 99% of his time in his very small bedroom - working, gaming, chatting to mates, eating. He has since moved out and bought a house, but he orders takeaway several times a week (despite being a good cook). He hardly goes out and is overweight. He knows exactly what he needs to do, but can't be bothered. Has never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend although I'm pretty sure that's not his thing). He's a lovely, polite, funny, witty young man. He works hard and has been doing professional qualifications alongside full time work, but I do wish he'd sort himself out personally! Don't know what the answer is op. (He's not depressed, may well be on the spectrum though).

About the only things you can usefully do are around the edges - his life is his not yours to manage.

• You could make sure there's a stocked fruit bowl / fruit in the fridge and wholemeal bread for toast.

• You could make sure there's acceptable-to-him breakfast food around, including reasonable options for him to take and eat on the journey if he doesn't normally eat breakfast before leaving.

*Nice insulated travel mugs are good - he might appreciate being able to take tea/coffee with him for the journey.

*You could use a cholesterol lowering margarine routinely (high cholesterol is pretty genetic)

*You could offer to make him a packed lunch to take to work as you make your own. Think about including higher fat / protein snacks like nuts. Lunch needs to be filling and interesting.

*You could offer to cook dinner on the days you're at home first. Make sure the meal is substantial enough to be filling rather than anything very low fat /low protein. If there are days he's at home first maybe he cooks for everyone then.

Driving lessons may best be suspended for a couple of months whilst he gets to grips with his new job - it's hard learning two new things at once. You might be able to help by accompanying him as he practices if you have a suitable car / affordable insurance.

Other than that let him get on with it.

My 22 yr old DS is same. They will find their way x

Ouch! Poor lad has a good degree and job. Give him a break. He may be a bit knackered from the study and I'd imagine competition to get his city role. If he's 22 he also missed important teen experiences during covid, many kids haven't really recovered so I'd say he has masses to show actually.

So what if he hasn't dated? Maybe he has a string of lovers and shields them from your judgement...

and I still can't drive at 44 but am a highly successful human.

I agree and I bet he will when is ready.

He just needs some time to adjust to the world of work, to save up some money and then he will be gone.

No adult wants to live at home forever.

The answer is obvious, he needs to leave home and live independently. No parent can manage the life of a 20+ year old adult child.

I'd just leave it, OP. Have a DS of similar age and mindset who's just told me in no uncertain terms where to go, for showing concern and interest and setting boundaries in the house/around food. He said "I've got nothing to learn from you" and refused to engage.

His life, his mistakes.

He has got a good job after graduating- that’s so rare these days, you should be really proud of him. Stop making or providing desserts then. Let him be but encourage him to find a flat share to move to in say six months, once he has settled into the job. The job itself may change him when he is meeting with others.

Back off and leave him alone.
He's survived a top University, got a good degree and a good job, that's way more than many young people his age!

The other things will sort themselves out with time and really you have no idea if he's been dating - he just hasn't told you about it.

I think gently offer bits of advice around lifestyle if the time is right but don't start nagging him, he's doing well in the important areas of life and the rest will sort itself out given time.

Maybe just be proud of him because he's doing well at his age

Happens to lots of men as they never choose to take care of their health at and after university. The driving is its own thing, it takes time and a differing amount for everyone. I’d have a chat to him about his weight and health though - if it would work and he’s money motivated remind him that people who look sloppy are often passed over for promotion due to internal biases.

What @AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder says. It’s very odd moving to this stage of life. But you do have to kind of butt out. You can do the odd thing like ask him to join you at parkrun or something you’re doing, but you don’t get to set his priorities any more.

He is living at home, so he is infantilised. Thats the problem with young adults, that they try to be grown ups (or perhaps dont try) but they're still living at home with their parents like children
Society is doing that to them and they're doing that to themselves
He needs to rent a bedsit or a room in a shared house, be independent. He cannot possibly be independent while living at home.

Not sure why its a problem to have desert every day, bit strange.

A 22 year old with a good degree, a job and a solid group of friends sounds like a success to me.

However I don’t think he will ever mature fully while he lives at home. Nobody does.

Let him be. He will do when he's ready. Deep inside, his confidence is probably quite low. Anything you say will only make him feel lower.

He will get out of it, but it will take a bit longer. Saying that moving out would be a very positive step.

If he’s living at home, can you get him to cook a family meal once a week? Something healthy, even if it’s just spaghetti Bol to start off with.

Something people find subscriptions to Simple cook, Gousto etc or other similar schemes make it easier to cook healthier and somehow make cooking more fun, as you simply follow the recipe and the food is all there. Takes the hassle out of it.

Also, you’re expecting g him to adapt to being at home whilst he’s just been an independent adult for the last few years, asking his own decesions etc. if he’s just graduated, he’s got to get used to being in the big, bad world again, rather than a scruffy student. Give him time to adapt.

Well he’s managed to get himself a good degree - and a good City job, which is rare these days! And staying at home to build up savings is a very sensible idea - if you’re happy with this, of course. Many of his contemporaries will be struggling to get their first job and will be getting further into debt as a result.

It’s also great to hear he has a good group of friends.

The driving wouldn’t bother me. It’s not needed for London and it’s not needed for his job.

The only thing to sort out is his health. Why don’t you get him a few PT sessions with an inspiring trainer? It’s very easy to get hooked on exercise once you start.

Congratulations to your son on graduating and securing his first job!

No but needs to be able to look after himself whilst living in his mothers house.

If he's been at a very 'top' university he possibly hasn't really had to look after himself for the last 3 years? And lots of people living in London don't drive or own cars. Was he responsible for his own laundry, cooking some family meals and any household tasks before he went to university and when he was home in the holidays? If you treat him as an adult he's more likely to behave as one.

Adolescence lasts until 25, some kids wait until the last minute to grow up.
My now 28yr old son was called Peter Pan at home, didn’t want to grow up. Absolutely fantastic and capable person with a lovely relationship now.

He needs to find his own place

I think you need to back off. You seem to want perfection.

What’s wrong with eating a dessert every day? Very strange comment.
Havjgn high comestrol and being overweight isn’t from eating a dessert every day- it will be the myriad of other junk foods he eats, probably when you arnt around!
I don’t think not having a girlfriend / boy friend is really anything to do with you. Some people don’t until later in life and that’s fine!
he’s got a good degree and good job- I would be over the moon with that! Many many 22 year olds have failure to launch at the moment with no job and minimal qualifications. At 22 you can’t really force him down the gym or to meet new friends!

My boyfriend at university ate nothing but microwave lasagne for three years. He lived in what, with hindsight, was a hovel. He drank at least four nights every week. He now has a very high up position within a major international organisation, married, two kids, lovely home.

And the best bit, we’ve stayed in touch and deep down, he’s still the lasagne eating bum I met all those years ago when he’s not in professional mode - a funny, laid back, good lad.

What skills have you and his dad equipped him with to become a well rounded adult? Or have you mollycoddled him all of his life and just expected it to happen by itself? What rules have you got in place for him living with you now as an adult? Things like expectations around room cleanliness? What are the consequences for breaking those rules?

Not wanting an infestation because he’s got mouldy plates in his room is fair enough. But him wanting a pudding every day, not learning to drive, not having a girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s not well rounded. It’s not how you would live your life, but if he’s happy the way he is, then it’s sod all to do with you. It’s not something that you get a say in. Perhaps he doesn’t approve of the way you live your life. Perhaps he thinks you’re overbearing, but he has the manners to keep his opinions to himself. You could learn something here.

I totally get your concerns but agree with pps that the issue isn't really a maturity one but a lifestyle one. Trying to persuade him to change is the opposite of allowing him mature, it's controlling him and interfering with his life choices. All you can do is model good values and a good lifestyle. It's ok to give him your views and concerns on his health but do so adult to adult and be careful how you say it as he will see it as you treating him like a kid.

I suspect this is more common these days with more adult kids living at home. In a rented house share you have to learn how to cook and often have less money for unhealthy snack foods. You also learn to take responsibility for your home and have to be mindful of house mates in terms of cleaning. Young people at home get out of the house a lot to get some space and end up getting takeaway etc and it all contributes to an unhealthy situation physically and mentally.