AIBU to feel uncomfortable about my partner's comment on teenage niece?

He’s disgusting.

My DH is the most wonderful uncle and there is absolutely no universe something like this would even come to his mind, let alone out of his mouth. Imagine how that girl would feel if she’d heard?

In our family (of feminists) everyone is encouraged to wear whatever they want, we go on holidays to beach locations and cleavage/showing skin/wearing bikinis is all very normal and nobody would ever comment on a relatives body in that way.

While I recognise that women's bodies are unfortunately commented on and sexualised much more than men's, the claim that "Nobody ever says of a man or boy: oh he has got his legs out" is incorrect. My MIL said to me at a family pub lunch only on Sunday, "Oh, you've got your legs out, then."

Agreed. It would be weird and creepy for him to comment to niece's face, but for him to mention it to his own partner in private later when discussing an event she'd missed wouldn't particularly register as weird.

DW and I make all kinds of comments in private that we wouldn't make to people's faces - that shirt Steve was wearing wore was awful, like he was going to a nightclub in the early 90s; nephew needs to start shaving - have you seen the 'tache on him; BIL's "signature recipe" still tastes rank, I don't know why he always makes it; etc.

In all situations where evaluating male behaviour women need to trust their instincts.

It’s the word, DH has referred to my boobs, we have a sexual relationship. He would never refer to his nieces “boobs” because the word is objectifying. If he objected to something she was wearing (which he probably wouldn’t because he sees her as a child) he would say her clothes were a bit too revealing.

Phrases like “got your boobs out, had her boobs out” are always sexual in nature. They are intended to sexualise a body part, like you presented them to everyone for inspection.

A lot of posters making an issue of the fact that op’s partner noticed nieces breasts. Why is this an issue?

Breasts are a body part like any other, if I was interacting with someone who was wearing something particularly low cut, whether they were 15 or 50, I’d notice their breasts. Because I have eyes and they’re in front of me. Doesn’t mean I’m viewing that person sexually or “ogling” them.

I am a woman by the way.

I don’t believe for a second that if anyone has young relatives that turned up for dinner wearing something low cut and showing a lot of chest that the other people there wouldn’t notice, female or male, relative or otherwise.

I wonder if people would think it equally as creepy if a woman made the same kind of comment?

I remember my late MiL saying to her other daughter (my SiL) that her granddaughter, who'd just turned 16, had got 'very hairy, very quickly down there..' 😳I was mortified. It's not just guys who say awkward things.

The clincher here for me is- would he be ok with it if she were his daughter and your brother made a remark like that?
Would you, if it were your daughter and his brother?
Personally I'd be telling them assertively to get a grip.

this

As a woman, I notice low cut tops, and there definitely seems a trend for teenagers wearing revealing tops. I'd rather they put it away at the dinner table

Yes, very young women do often suddenly start wearing very revealing clothes while they find their fashion sense. It's noticeable and commenting in private to your partner send ok but I guess you would have to be there to really know what his tone was.

I think it’s creepy. I’d understand if he’d said something along the lines of she’s so grown up now, it doesn’t seem 2 minutes since she was a toddler but to hone in on it being “boobs” is weird and inappropriate. shes a child and his niece. Noticing her breasts shouldn’t be a thing.

I think it’s weird because he didn’t have to mention her breasts at all, in doing so he’s made it clear he noticed them… All he had to say was “I still think of niece as a small child, she looked very grown up today and it shocked me a little”.

I mean if she turned up with a low cut top, boobs very visible, when the last time he saw her she was still very childlike, and he was speaking to his intimate partner, then I don't see anything wrong with it to be honest.

Sounds like a fairly typical comment from a male who feels entitled to comment on women's body and dress, to me.

Perhaps men ought to be taught 'propriety' to keep such remarks to themselves, lest they give away where they choose to rest their eyes. . .

Exactly this.

I think when women complain about objectification of women and the behaviour of men towards women, the casual misogyny, the sexualisation of children etc etc then they should be able to identify when it is happening right in front of them.

I’m actually really surprised by the voting here. We are talking about a child. OP’s boyfriend is a grown man.

The test is to reverse it. Would an aunt have been looking at her tits and saying that about her young niece?

I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my DH came out with this and I think comments excusing male lasciviousness show just how low the bar is for some women.

It seems ok to me but you know him - is he a bit pervy in general? If he is then yes I’d be wary. If he is generally not ketchup then I’d not give another thought.

I do not like the concept of “having your boobs out” or “having your legs out” if you are literally just wearing clothes (ie shorts and a vest top)

there is an element of accusing the girl/woman of “showing off her body”, when often she is just a woman with a woman’s body wearing clothes….

Nobody ever says of a man or boy: oh he has got his legs out

the comment itself implies that the observer thinks the girl is showing off body parts just for his gaze

often it is just a girl wearing shorts and a vest

does not sit right with me

(I have often been told “ohhh you got your legs out when I am literally just wearing any old ordinary denim shorts 🤔, no I did not wake up and think let me show off my legs, I just woke up and think it is hot so it is a shorts day)

On MN, a teenage girl could come to a family meal with no top on and everyone would say “why’s he looking?” “He shouldn’t even be noticing.” Speaking personally, I do notice things like that, and not because I’m a creep. I notice people’s clothes, if people have got a tan or look tired, if they’re slouching etc. it’s an observation like any other.

It’s the boobs, Dh has a beloved niece (she’s a sweetheart) she changed quite rapidly and he said things along the lines of “she’s grown up so fast!”. He would never ever say anything about her chest, it’s gross. It would be beneath him and her. She didn’t have her boobs out, she just has them, unless she was literally naked.

Probably because he thought she was dressed inappropriately for a meal.

Me look at boobs, they cant help it and women who show their boobs know this. However, he should not have commented on them to you, especially about a young girl.

Is she on his side of the family, ie his sibling’s daughter?
Or is she your sibling’s daughter? (& if so, has he always known her or is he a new partner of yours?)
Not that it really makes a lot of difference, but I think it’s worse if it’s the latter.