To feel like I’ve missed out on life by not having had this?

You’re not alone with this ❤️

You still have time to meet someone. And you have a child, lots of people don't manage that. Focus on the positives in your life not the negatives, it makes you more appreciative of what you have, and also a more enjoyable person to be with in general.

The thing is @Utttt10 you've had relationships and a child as a result. Many people have never been in that position. What you've had is more common than maybe you feel in your sadness - relationships that haven't worked out and the feeling you haven't met the one? That's a very relatable feeling for many people who are single and let's be honest, even people in relationships. I have a surprising number of friends who admit they love their spouse, but aren't in love, feel they wouldn't make the same decision about who to marry if they had a second chance, and/or admit they said 'yes' for reasons other than this deep feeling/sense of belonging/connection with that person.

It's normal to feel 'once bitten twice shy' and right now likely focusing on your young child is where your priorities should be. That doesn't mean down the road you may not have a lovely relationship.

As an example, a teacher we know met her husband when she was in her late 40's and he was early 50's. It was her first proper romance. We know people who've met in their 50's, 60's, 70's and even 80's!

Accept how you feel, work through it and embrace what you do have. The more confident you are, the more self assured you are, the better likelihood of a better relationship next time around. People who are desperate to be in a relationship often ignore red flags. What's far worse than the position you are in now, is a bad relationship that not only impacts you but also your dc.

@Utttt10 I think what you find from these posts is that nothing is perfect. I also have friends who have never even had relationships despite being 50, or left home, or who've not found partners so are childless, or who have found partners and are still childless.

You are younger I would say so keep your mind more open, and you never know what may happen. Love yourself. My friend met someone in her 30s who is an amazing step dad to her child and adores my friend. Shes 40 now and doesnt want more kids but hes ok with that.

I could have written a lot of your post, though I didnt have so much attention when younger. Met an abusive ex who became abusive after I gave birth so I was a single mother of 2. I yearned for having a normal happy setup as my experience of early motherhood had also been messed up by my angry ex. I have the best relationship with my children though and we are incredibly happy.

I did meet someone a few years later who I fell for deeply but who found the set up too complicated with my small kids so we split. It was very hard on us both but we wanted different things in life. Now im more resigned to being on my own, or at least till my children are much older.

@ScruffMuffin so sorry for your loss

Dear OP, and all those posters who feel the same way, please don’t despair. Many people find happiness in middle age or later.
My DH and I got together in our 40s, and now, as we grow old struggling with health problems, we are happier than we’ve ever been before.
You have your DS, so you don’t have to worry about being childless.
Some say you need to tell yourself that your heart is open to love, and remind yourself of this every day. Make a point of taking opportunities to meet people.
Best of luck xx

I think pinning your happiness on a man or ideas of life in a relationship is the issue. If you can find contentment in yourself and the life you have then only you will truly be happy.

I know a number of people in situations not dissimilar to yours. We all tend to only notice people who have 'more' than us, not those who have the same or less. There are many women who have no children, not by choice, who would crawl over broken glass to have your experience of motherhood. I don't think you have necessarily 'missed out' on life. Everyone's life is different, with good bits and bad bits. A romantic partner is not the be-all and end-all - and you may well meet your soulmate yet. Also, you seem to think that life is over, while (assuming you are healthy, I hope) there is every reason to expect decades more of life to experience.

But you’re only 40! I know many people who got married for the first time in their 50s, some for the second time in their 60s even. It’s more common than you seem to think. I wouldn’t write yourself off yet in that sense.

Sounds like you are a bit lonely and feeling sorry for yourself. Some therapy might help.

I think with any of these sort of things we 'miss out on', there's the feeling that we don't get them because we're not "enough' for them, but in truth the people who find them are just both very lucky and very open to/ determined to find them. You can have these things if you really want them.

This is very true. Many marriages, even very long ones, are not happy behind closed doors. I know someone who has been married for about 35 years but honestly most of the time they genuinely hate each other. They’ll never divorce though.

This is so true. Do you have a good support network OP. Thats far more important than a romantic relationship in my opinion. I’d say only 10 - 15% of marriages are happy ones. By the age of 50, about half of marriages are crumbling, with the woman initiating divorce.

50% of marriages end in divorce. Stick around in here long enough and you’ll see plenty of posts about women staying because they can’t afford to leave or because they put up with crap or a mix of both. They can’t face leaving, it’s easier just to live with a crap life even if it’s hurting them. Or they stay for the kids without realising the toxic model they are providing to their kids.

So yes, a one in 10 chance OP that you get the dream. Most of us are like you. You just officialised it with getting divorced earlier than some. You should feel proud of yourself not down. Sounds like you lost your confidence in men. Fair enough. I do think only around 15% or so are worth relationships. As your child grows older you may meet someone but more than anything strong women who are good friends and a support are far more important at this stage for you. Get some therapy to find out how to build your life out. Psychodynamic therapy may help you most of all if you’ve had a poor relationship with your dad.

Truth be told, most people feel they’ve missed out on something. DH and I have been married 36 years and are really happy, but we weren’t able to have children.

I think people whose lives have worked out exactly as they envisaged are quite rare.

Kind of silly to intentionally close yourself off from relationships in your 30s and then be sad you never had a good one. You have a good 40 years of adult life left to live in which you could fall in love but if you opt out then of course you won't.

For me I found the love of my life when I wasn’t really looking. I had a rubbish 13 year relationship and had been on my own for 7 years and quite frankly decided that I was happy on my own and would be alone forever and was content with that. My bestie kept nagging me to try online dating as she didn’t think I should be on my own so to shut her up I gave it a go (2 years after she drunkenly signed me up… as a lesbian!🙄) and met DH. He loved the fact I was independent and was with him because I loved and wanted him not because I needed him.
Not sure what my waffle was supposed to prove 😬 just I suppose that there’s a lot to be said for being happy and content in being single (I loved it while I was) and your Mr Right is probably right now working his way towards you.

I think it's not a good idea to make your child the sole 'love of your life' in this way; of course we love our children more thany anything, but it's not offering the same type of life experience. I love my children but they are flying the nest (with odd stopovers with mum when they need a lie down!) I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up living abroad, they also are finding partners and lives that don't orient around me. I'm delighted! That's how it should be. They are not there to be my emotional support or to give me a sense of purpose.

It's good to count your blessings, but it's fine to notice if one area of your life is deficient and you'd like to do something about it. That's how change happens.

I've already given you my advice on Burned Haystacks dating method- the reason I always mention this is because I think without it, women often plunge back into online or any type of dating, see the awfulness and bad behaviour, and plunge back out thinking there's no good men. You need to be very firm, strategic but open at the same time and that's a very hard thing to do on your own, and getting good advice and support on what a healthy relationship would look like and ruling out red flags very early on is so helpful. I found someone within weeks doing this and it's been one of the happiest times of my life to have a little window of feeling young and silly and romantic again. It won't last forever, I know that better than most, but it's lovely to reach for the stars occasionally and glimpse them, even if you don't get to keep them.

Use this sense of 'missing out' to think about how your next 40 years are going to be- I'm guessing there's a lot you'd like to do, and if you can't think of anything, start by writing a diary daily, just free writing, about anything and everything, and slowly you will remember who you are and what you love to do, which often gets completely blocked out by motherhood. Now your child is getting older, you have a lot more freedom than you think.

I was you and for some reason 38 hit hard I think it was because the ‘big 40’ was looming I didn’t want to date with a young ish child, met my partner at 49, and getting married soon.

Well yes, if Mumsnet is anything to go by many women are married/in LTR with men they don’t seem to respect or even like let alone love. And many are basically housemates, rubbing along ok but no longer romantic/sexual partners.

My husband of 20 years left me when I was 48. I am 55 now and in a relationship of 5 years with a man I adore.

I mean, my grandmother had a boyfriend a few years after my grandfather died and she was in her 70s.

My mum didn’t meet my step dad till she was 50. She did have a good relationship with my dad until the last few years, but I really think my step dad is her soul mate. They just have a lot more in common and to be honest she deserved better than my dad. He’s a great dad but was a mediocre husband. You might find someone, and then again you might not, but don’t mope around feeling you’ve missed out. I’m sure you’ve done some great things and had some great times.

I used to feel this way,for years (albeit I am a gay female)! And it changed, now I just want to be on my own. When I have dated I have found that the hassle is not worth it for me. Maybe you'll change as I did, I used to yearn from nothing more than the 'normal' things you describe, just having someone to share day-to-day life with. I have some 'online friends' who I chat to about day-to-day stuff but other than that I am fine on my own. The only thing that now and again bothers me is the financial side, I would be much better off in a couple. But I'd never seek someone due to that, would rather be skint than the compromise it would involve.

Who knows what the future holds. Concentrate on building yourself a fulfilling life and make the most of what you have got.

Life can surprise you, don't give up.