To think a man with five kids he barely sees won’t be considered a catch on the dating scene?

I absolutely understand op. The unfairness of these situations is a hard pill to swallow.

my advice to you is firstly

be kind to yourself- they lied and you acted in good faith. This is on them and you protected your child . Well done - not every one does this.

Secondly it is not bad - you have a lovely child and you are now an improved person as you know that there are bad people out there, who are bad individuals, regardless of the situation and nothing you do or dont do can change that. Now you can avoid them . It took me two awful relationships to learn this sadly.

Third - when the bad thoughts get you down just remember that every day you are a step further away from him and the chaos and that same day him and his new womaare a step closer to the next abusive situation. It is hard to be jealous of that.

keep making you and your DC’ s peace and one day you will enjoy it .

Not really. Choosing to have children with someone who doesn’t bother with his existing ones and then complaining that they don’t bother with them is a failure.

Someone can be a shit dad but good in other ways. Especially if you have no intention of spending the rest of your life with them.

Behind every "psychotic" ex is the man who made her that way.

There’s a lot of truth about being wary of men telling you their exes were psychos…

However, quite a few women are “psychos”… I can think of a number, and I pity one of my male friend who was damaged badly by one of them.

Men can be violent and shit… but it doesn’t mean women can’t be complete bitches in their own way.

Agree, it speaks volumes about how he views any commitments and responsibilities in general.

Of course they are, being a shitty person is a red flag whether you want children or not.

Choosing to have 5 children and then abandoning them is a moral failure and should concern someone who wants to remain child free just as much as someone who has or wants children.

But a man that doesn’t see/pay for his kids is only a nightmare if the woman wants kids. And if she’s naive enough to want kids with him then if it turns into a nightmare, she has to take some share of the responsibility for choosing to be in that position despite evidence that it’s history repeating itself.

But if you have no intention of having kids with him then there are no red flags.

And that’s the irony….

Responsible fathers who continue to be actively involved in their children’s upbringing after divorce aren’t seen by many women as prospects as it’s diminishes the time he can devote to her, and she’d have to take on the role of step-mum in time if the relationship developed.

However, a father who’s abandoned his kids has no such constraints and the woman isn’t fighting for his time and attention with another woman’s children… Any baggage is conveniently “out of sight, out of mind”.

Its short-sighted, but many women will see the single man who has abandoned his commitments as the better prospect, and choose to believe all sorts of bullshit to live the “dream” (until it turns into a nightmare).

Its very unfair, but that’s life.

Some women are also actively sexually aroused by criminals, too.

It's just a fact. It has a name- hybristophilia.

This man's behaviour goes beyond being useless/cocklodger/left for another woman. I'd have some sympathy for a woman who still cared about what a guy like that was up to.
I'd think it foolish but I wouldn't be too harsh.

This guy assaulted a toddler, though.

I cannot see why anything other than as long as he keeps away from me and the kids I don't care what he does would be an appropriate response.

Don't be ridiculous.

There are lots of reasons why a people get into a not so great relationships:

Finances
Security
Low self esteem
Wanting children etc.

There are also many people not even considering these relationships as they have higher standards of what they are willing to tolerate. Probably more financially secure, already been married and have children etc.

Imo there are more woman in category one as above than in category 2.

Sadly many women encourage men to spend less time /money on their existing children. We see it all the time on MN, women resenting support given to their step children

Yes, the mind boggles really.

My ex pulled the "crazy ex " stunt. I was astonished people believed it even though he was notorious in our village for his temper tantrums. It's like people prefer to believe that story

Sensible, secure and mature women won’t touch him with a barge pole.

But there will be some women, (who may have multiple children themselves) with low self esteem and even lower standards who will go there.

I know it probably doesn’t help but you’re honestly so much better off without him in your life.

Agree. If a man appears decent at face value but has 5 kids presumably he'll have little time, or money to go out with, a new partner. Who'd sign up for that?

If he doesn't spend most of his free time with his kids or pay to support them then no excuse for missing the red flags.

For any sane and balanaced woman five kids on a prospective man she neither knows nor cares about yet will turn her away before anything even gets started.

If he sees his five kids he is unlikely to have enough time for anything else after work, kids, friends and perhaps a hobby.

If he does not see the five kids then he's a bit shit.

Lose lose either way.

He will make the usual claim - crazy exes won't let me see my kids sob sob im so devastated only you can help me feel better

Women fall for that bullshit all the time and repeat it in defence of the shits.

They always seem to find someone, take my ex husband (and yes unbelivably a few other women did!) for example. He left me with a young baby, had 3 more with the woman he left me for, she left him so there he was single with 4 kids and he is now on his fourth relationship since this. He's not even attractive, hasn't been for decades . Of course all the kids are adults now but he has never been alone ever, proof that some people be they male or female will settle for anything rather than being single

I agree with you.

It's grim that men get to behave appallingly and then some woman will still fall for all their lies.

Are women less intelligent than men? Why on earth can they not use the brains they were born with?

You have to look at it in another way OP.

It is okay to have some thoughts of "he will land his arse in the butter" moments. Look at how many threads here confirm that.

BUT

You cannot keep at these thoughts. Yes it is hard with two small children doing this all alone. But is is 100% better than you parenting them with him around, while all the abuse and other shit is still happening.

You reap what you sow OP. There is a very high chance that you will have an amazing relationship with your children right into adulthood, and he won't. He may be out partying, getting lots of girlfriends etc etc, but think about what is more important here. Having you and your children as a team and having a good bond, or being out partying every night.

Many of us have been here OP. Once you get through digesting what has happened, you will breathe a big sigh of relief and appreciate your new normal. But that is not going to happen overnight unfortunately. Keep your head up and soldier on.

He was 'fitted up' or it was mistaken identity. Some bs excuse that people will believe

I agree but as unsavoury as it is the fact is that some women actively find criminals attractive.

This man to my mind is a criminal, he's not 'just' a lazy, irresponsible but harmless bum.

There will always, sadly, be someone who has low enough self esteem to think he is what they deserve.

Yes he will meet someone else and make himself sound like angel and all he wants in life is to see his kids and everyone else is the problem and he’s desperate to be a real dad.

They will then have a baby because she thinks she is the one that it will all work out for and he is absolutely not the problem and the cycle begins again.

Sadly seen this play out a couple of times, just with women I know in my life.

They do.
What is more is that these men can commit truly heinous, criminal things and the women will remain sexually obsessed and jealous. Wondering what he's up to.
I'm not talking about 'only' being a lazy, irresponsible bum here.
I'm taking about heinous, criminal activity.

If he moves on to another woman, there will be another low life to take his place eventually.

It's the children I feel sorry for.

No decent woman will. I'm sure there will be low class women who are interested.