Feeling awful about son's accident in the pool

@Lolarose999 let's switch that feeling of yours on its head.

The feeling of panic and "being a bad mum" you're experiencing is not a negative one. It's the kind of feeling that has saved children's lives for generations. It's a feeling you have inherited in your genes, and that comes out of the pure love and protectiveness you have towards your child.

Instead of trying NOT to fel it, embrace it. Every time you see those horrible images in your head and the shame fills your chest, tell yourself: "This is normal. I love my son so much, that feeling like this is normal. This feling is teaching me to protect my child, and thanks to this feeling I will never, ever leave him out of my sight in water until he is a confident swimmer. This feeling has saved my child's life".

Your brain is bringing those images and the fear to you because they are important. Listen to them. Give your brain permission to make you feel like that way for a short time. In fact, tell your brain "Ok brain, I know you're sending me a message, I will let you fill me with dread, but only for 10 minutes". And then let you feel whatever the brain wants you to feel, think about whatever your brain wants to think, no matter how horrible. You will actually notice that, as soon as you allow yourself to receive the message, soon your brain will start to actually look for other, less intense things to focus on.

Your son is alive, you pulled him out of the water. And there won't be a next time, because your mum instincts are working just as they should and you'll be hypervigilant. The message from your brain is doing its job. Deep breath. He will be fine :)

Yeh my sisters and I could
but we lived abroad in ex pat communities where this was quite normal

She hasn’t said it’s about money, it’s a scheduling clash between the only swim lessons she could find and her DDs dance class

As someone who asked on here for recommendations on swim vests only a couple of weeks ago. Would it be possible for the op to show which one their child was wearing?

I'm due to go on holiday soon and I'm a non swimmer, so baby pool for me and little one. However although I won't let go for a minute, I would feel better if there was some kind of buoyancy aid?

If vests are so bad, what is considered safe? This would help the op too.

Swimming lessons are not an option for us currently.

Holidays are not cheap. It's about priorities.

Very helpful and informative post! Thank you. Now I get it.

The difference between a swim vest and a life jacket is this: a life jacket is certified to keep its wearer's head above water, and a swim vest is not.

Similar happened to me with dd3 this summer in Spain. What a horrible shock to get, especially when you are hearing weekly of children drowning. In my case my older dd was asking me to film her going down the slide. Whilst chatting to her I didn't notice dd going down the slide where the water got gradually deeper. I could see her struggling and just froze for a few seconds.
As I jumped into action a very kind man grabbed her. I was so grateful to him for being quicker than me. But I felt so bad & got such a fright. She was quite scared of the water for the rest of the holiday. I'm hoping she'll soon forget. But maybe a bit of fear is a good thing too..

Theres always one 🙄

I think he could certainly forget about it. Memories tend to stick from an older age; I have one memory of a special event age 3. Get him back in the pool quickly (with a safer suit!) and he will hopefully repair himself.

Don't feel guilty as my DS has had a life and death moment due to my distraction, and I know loads of other people who've experienced similar. We got lucky - take that blessing and forgive yourself x

I don’t get the drama about this tbh, it was a few seconds and you were right there. But honestly, ditch the life vest and teach your 3yo to swim whilst you’re on holiday and can get in the pool every day. Also make sure they are comfortable with going under water, so that they don’t panic next time

Maybe read the OP’s posts. It’s only polite.

At three, he probably won’t remember it, but I don’t think you’ll ever forget it.

How old is he?

Be kind to yourself, he is ok.
You will remember this but he probably won’t.

I nearly drowned at that age, my dad still brings this up many, many years later but I have no memory of this. However my parents taught me how to swim after this incident as we had no swimming teachers. If you cannot find a teacher then you could try teaching him too. Better to do it soon rather than wait for a swimming slot to become available.
Enjoy the rest of the holiday and good luck with your DD’s dancing.

I mean mine has just started swimming lessons at age 6 so no not all children are not having lessons from birth!

He won’t remember it in time. He may need some work to build his confidence in the water That he was hysterical shows it was a short period underwater - as confirmed by the checks he was fine. I witnessed a child drowning on front of the parents who had not noticed he was drowning in the pool - the lifeguard jumped in and pulled him up and out. Point is that it can happen so quickly and downing is silent but that it can happen easily to the best of us. So please don’t beat yourself up. You were on it within seconds. You placed faith on a safety vest and that incident probably needs reporting to the manufacturers. In time you will recover from the shock. Accidents happen all during a child’s life. There have been different incidents that scared the c**p out of me too with my child. I will leave you with a final thought … in baby swimming classes we used to dunk the child under water (my son hated it). He would be very upset after. We did it each class. This was supervised dunking. Initially whilst being held. But eventually you dunk them then let go. He found it scary and hated it. This was all building up to the underwater photo. I didn’t buy it as my child looked terrified. I stopped going. I felt so guilty for putting my baby through repeated underwater dunkings marketed as swimming lessons. I still do. Your son had one inadvertent dunking. So please don’t beat yourself up. You were there within seconds and he wasn’t unsupervised. He will be ok and you will be ok x

I couldn’t get mine into classes because the waiting lists in my area were so long, so I got a swim membership at a leisure centre which actually worked out cheaper than lessons would have been and for more hours in the pool and I just did it myself. I looked up videos of swimming lessons on YouTube and then just played it by ear.

FWIW, my eldest stepped into the pool right next to me unexpectedly when I was helping my DH with the youngest’s floaty ring thing when. She just didn’t wait for me to say I was ready for her to get in, so just went all the way under the water. I was right there so just got her out immediately but she was distraught and tbh so was I! She was fine after an hour or so. Don’t worry too much about it.

Nope, I'm a reasonable swimmer by myself but I have no clue how to teach DD how to swim. She is also one of these children that if I or DH explain something "I'm doing that"...we have eyes, she isn't. She needs an external person to teach her technique, for our sanity as well.

Our local pools have zero spaces if you didn't go on the waiting list 3 years before you gave birth.

Really don't understand why lifeguard courses are a thing for 8 year olds. Ive talked with several parents who keep gloating in this strange way that their child has completed a lifeguard course at this age and then two seconds later they're talking about how they don't understand why their child seems to be showing signs of anxiety or depression. 8 is too young to put such extreme first aid techniques on to. Of course you need to teach them the basics but and 8 year old is just not old enough to process how to do CPR on a bloody baby. I did it at 17 and trust me It's disturbing enough as an adult.

PP above is right - you were there, DD is fine, it’s the what ifs that keep us awake at night. Vest is ditched, lessons are booked. Ours had council run lessons for years before they learned to swim, it drove me mad and skint but they eventually got it.
Although the DCs could swim, I used to hang about in the pool while they played with new pals on holiday and aged about 7 had to rescue DD. A kid in a rubber ring was bouncing off pool floor and the ring was hitting DD on the head- great game until they both went deeper as the pool sloped- DD couldn’t get air as the ring game continued. Only I noticed, pool was crowded, the 8m or so I had to swim to lift her up seemed like miles. She got her breath back and spent the rest of the day on the sunbed, and there was a tantrum about going to the pool the next day- she was scared, we got there and she later went on to do swim squad training.
We were vigilant OP and that makes all the difference, be kind to yourself

OP I was responsible for an accident that injured my toddler requiring surgery, years ago. It’s the absolute worst feeling. I beat myself up about it for quite a while. But also as someone who lives in a warm climate with backyard pools common, this sort of incident is super common and, while a heart starter for you, all is well. Your DS will never remember it. Apart from the life vest which you’ve learned the lesson of, you did the right thing. You were there, you were close enough to get to him quickly. He’s fine. Be kind to yourself.

Parent baby and preschool swim teacher here. We occasionally get 2 year old that can swim a little, but the 3 year olds vary so much depending on personality and confidence. 3 years old is really the age they start to learn independently. Before that it's getting them confident to put their face. Usually the kids who go consistently from babies can put their eyes in and are happy to go under but by no means all of them, some hate getting their hair or face wet and it takes perseverance and lots of time in the pool not only in lessons but in public sessions too.
SO it is really not true that a 3 year old should be swimming. They are 95% of the time just starting to learn .

You need to think about when you realised he was ok and focus on that and let your body feel that he is ok. Sounds awful, please be kind to yourself

Some children grow up in concrete jungles, the nearest lake is a river filled with rubbish. Not every child has the opportunity to learn how to swim. If you lived on a lake then that’s different.
Children from the city, disadvantaged area, no lakes, first experience of swimming is in school. Not enough lessons to learn.
I would bet that it is close to 80% of children in these areas.

A child does not drown in 10-15 seconds, stop scaremongering. Op has not done anything wrong but has also learnt never to turn your back even for a second. Her child will be fine. She was literally with him. He was always going to be fine.